Here's my story, and I'll try to make it brief. Last Jan, H told me he doesn't love me anymore. 2 weeks later he moved out to "stay with a friend". Later found out there was OW in the picture. He said she had nothing to do with it, that our problems had been building for 2 years (news to me). In March, I told him I wanted a D. WIthin days, he came home and asked me to take him back. I said yes, if we worked on our marriage and if he stopped contact with OW. He agreed. One week later, I found out that he was still talking to her and said that he couldn't get her out of his life for good. So, i told him to leave. He moved in with her, which is where he lived for 2 months.
During this time, we went to mediation and started D proceedings. But he kept delaying getting a lawyer. During all of this, i was trying to build myself up, GAL and figure out how to live life without him. He would come by a few times a week to watch the kids, but for the most part, I've had full responsibility for them the whole time.
One day, he told me that he never loved OW, that the only person he could ever love was me, but that somewehre along the way, he lost his ability to feel things for people. He also said he was going to start therapy. It was this same conversation where he told me he got an appartment of his own across town. He said that he and OW "aren't going to be together anymore".
A week later, after his 1st counseilng session, he came to me and asked if we could work on the marriage. Explained that OW was simply trying to fill a void that he wanted to fill with me. That she was more of a buddy (who he slept with, of course), than anythign. So, i agreed to take him back. He agreed to marriage counseling and to continuing his own therapy. During the next two weeks, I continually asked him about OW. It was pretty much every day we got into a conversation. He said he woudn't go back to her again. Guess what... on Memorial Day, he went back to her for a few days. He lied about it of course, until i caught him. He then said that he needed to confirm that he didn't have feelings for her anymore. And that's what he did and that he was sure he was making the right decision by staying with me. Finally, i took him back once again.
Over the next 6 weeks, we worked on teh marriage... on having fun, building the friendship, the physical stuff, etc... I did still ask quesiotns about OW, but nto as much. I thought things were giong well. He was planning on moving back in on Aug 1. Then he started pulling away again and saying that he didn't knwo if we could survive this. That's how I knew she was back in the picture.
Sure enough, two weeks ago, he went back to her for a few nights. He was with her. Then he come home to me and told me how much he loved me. Then when I saw her calling on his cell phone, he came clean and said that he had a connection with her that he doesn't have with me. That things with me were forced. I told him that I had made a commitment to stand by him through whatever he was giong through. But that i didn't want to keep being cheated on. We went to counseling the next day, and he was saying more of the same... would be easier to start over with someone new, he had a connectino with her, etc... Our MC explained to him that his R with OW was fantasy land and it doesn't incorporate the elements of real life. Plus she had no idea he had been back with me for 2 months. We agreed to spend time apart during that week. I took that to mean that were separated again.
2 days later, he told me that he ended it with her (again) and wanted to work our our marriage. He still maintains that I am waht he wants and he doesn't want to lose me and the kids. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to believe him, but he's said all of this before. So, i find myself now giving him another chance. But as I am diong that, I'm reading into his every action and gesture. WHen he doesn't call first thing in the morning, i get anxious. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I do feel there is love between us, but he is clearly conflicted.
Can anyone help me? What should I do next? I want to save my marraige, but how much more of this am i to take? ANyone else have experience with H or W going back to OW multiple times?
oh, honey, yuck. I am so sorry. I cannot imagine this pain MULTIPLE times. Good Lord. I want to smack your H and give you a hug.
Okay, I'm not much for subtle, and I don't have any experience with an over-and-over yoyo spouse to give you any good advice but just wanted to offer my support to you.
You may want to post on JokerMan's thread in Newcomers forum ("I'm the one on the couch") and ask him to come check out your situation here and offer insight - he's the "cheater" in his marriage and has been a great help to many who want to know what's up in their unfaithful spouse's head/heart.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
I honestly think this is the time for some tough love. There's no way, now, you can trust him or even begin to rebuild your M with him. If it were me, I would tell him something this in a friendly way:
"I love you but I can't continue to play these games. I'm tired, and I'm going to spend a couple of months away from our relationship. That will give you the space you need to figure out what you really want, because you clearly don't know right now."
Then don't talk to him (except about businees matters and the kids) for two months and see what happens. Otherwise, there's no end in sight to your saga.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Thanks for your replies. I realized when i read it back that I didn't make my post short -- just the opposite. Sorry to make you read through that long mess.
Two weeks ago my H was telling me how much he wanted our M and that he would make it up to me ... that he would start supporting me the way i've supported him... that i would see all the changes he's making. That lasted about a day. Now he's back to being vacant again. I think he can't stay away from her, although i'm not sure becuase he had been here every night this week (we live apart). He is just cold and almost nasty to me now. He doesn't answer my calls half the time. What the heck happened to the person two weeks ago saying that he wanted to do what it takes to fix our marriage.
Our MC thinks that he may be suffering from a mild depression or a mood disorder. She sees his pattern of chasing that feeling... that thing that will make him feel good. He keeps bouncing back and forth thinking that the other is the answer to his problems. He told me again yesterday that he doesn't feel things for people. He said that it's what he's been working with his counselor on, but doesn't feel he's made progress. I'm waiting for another bomb to drop.
A big part of me wants to just say... "go do what you have to do. if and when you fix yourself, then maybe i'll be here.". But the other part of me doesn't want to be the one to call it quits. I'm afraid i'll regret it. Any advice at this point? I really want to save my M.
Quote: A big part of me wants to just say... "go do what you have to do. if and when you fix yourself, then maybe i'll be here.". But the other part of me doesn't want to be the one to call it quits. I'm afraid i'll regret it. Any advice at this point? I really want to save my M.
My first advice is that the first part of this quote, where you consider telling him to do what he has to do, etc, is really what is advocated by a lot of people, and in some ways, DB/DR. You can't MAKE him stop this affair and by trying to hold onto him, you may just make him flee faster/harder to her.
So, what you are thinking about, i.e. letting go, is NOT the same as being the one to "give up." You are merely respecting his wishes, respecting YOUR wishes to be happy and in the end, understanding that you can't force things to be how you want so you're going to let go of that idea in favor of turning more inward and making your OWN decisions, which MAY include "giving up" but for now, simply include getting happy with yourself.
I am not saying you need to do this thing, just that you should understand that to a certain extent, whether verbalized to him or not, you will have to let go at some point so that when he returns, it will be because he actually left and decided to come back, not because you never let go.
You just need to focus on your happiness and leave his up to him.
Thakns for your response. The problem is that he has left and come back an number of times. The first time it was for about a month. The second time it was for two months. Both times he came back and wanted our M. Then the last two times, he went back to her for a day here and a day there.
Each time before he left to go to her, he would say things like, "i don't know if we can survive this. I don't know if we can make each other happy." Then he goes to her and comes back to me and says that she's not who he wants in his future... he wants me and he wants our marriage. So, i've let him go on a number of occassions. BUt this time, I told him that if he did it again, that was it. But in reality what i'd like to do is if he does it again, i'll just tell him to go and we'll have a business relationship. That doesn't mean that I would file for D. I would just want him to go figure his stuff out. Is that the right course of action? Do you think he'll end up back with me in the end? Is it possible that he'll end up with her?
If you haven't done so already, I STONGLY recommend you reading articles in the MLC section....and some of the threads of folks (Valeria, YellowRose and others)....they too have H's that have "cycled" back and forth from OW to home and back again in MLC.
Personally, in my sitch...I DBed my butt off and it seemed to work, H came out and started to work on the M, said he did not want a D, etc....and then snapped back again. It's common in MLC, for them to go into REPLAY STAGE 2....take a look out of the tunnel to finish off replay. It's happened to nearly everyone in that forum and just knowing that it happens to others makes you feel not so crazy .
Come take a read there, see if other things your H says could be true. You will see that OW is not his true love, but rather a quickie drug fix for his intense internal pain of MLC.
I don't know if it's accurate for yoru sitch, but worth a read. I only found it 2 months ago, and it was like waking up.
Here's my update. I haven't posted for a while because I have a thread going on the MCL board.
Throuhgout August, my H and i have been "working on the marraige". I haven't been checking up on him. I'm at a point where I don't even want to know if he's with her. So, he would come over most nights, but more and more I was noticing that he was going out with "the guys". In some cases, i know he was with the guys, but in others, i just don't know.
We went to Jamaica in late Aug. It was very nice and we had a great time. But as soon as we came back, he withdrew again. Once again, he was going out several nights a week. He was getting colder and colder to me, but at the same time was saying that he wanted to move back in. He spend a weekend here at the house, but by Sunday I could tell he didn't want to be here. That's when I finally hit that point.
I sat him down and told him that he's still struggling with something adn that i've made all the changes in the M that he's asked me to make and it's not enough... it's never enough. I told him that I missed the old him. He said that he didn't know where the old him was anymore. I was crying the whole time, but basically told him that he needed to go figure stuff out on his own. I didn't bring up OW at all. I made it more about him and the person he's become and how he's become a stranger.
So, he left. That was a Sunday. We agreed that he'd bring the kids to school on Tuesday and that we'd meet up again in MC on Wed and then he'd take the kids Wed night. I didn't hear from him all day Monday. He was late pickign up the kids on Tuesday. I knew in my heart he was with OW... but I also knew that when I told him to go figure stuff out that that's basically what I meant anyway.
So, on Tues morning when he picked up the kids, he gave me a hug and a kiss and said he'd call me later. He called Tuesday evening and said he really wanted to work things through and that we could survuve this. I told him that I didn't want to be treated like this anymore. He's been spending time with me and the kids ever since, but I know there's a good chance he'll go back to her again. THings seem to be good now, but i've been through all this before. He is saying he wants to move back in over the next month. I am so sick of walking on eggshells.
Will he ever be over OW? Will he ever be completely engaged in me again, without having the temptation of her out there? Help.
The temptation will be there for a while. You just need to be strong and be what he needs. When he compares the OW to you he will choose you. It sucks and it is not fair, but it will work.
