loosing hope and hurting

[seporateddadof2]

I am working again for a company I have worked for before. My W and I havent talked much. She is still living with OM. I was invited to a baby shower of my W cousin. she is naming the baby Nathanial Scott. I really wanted to go but I learned that OM was also going so I decided not to go. I am not putting myself through that. My W asked if I had a problem with her because of his going since she didnt invite him and it wasnt her baby shower. I told her that I didnt bring him into our family and if she didnt understand then I wasnt going to argue with her. That was friday. Today I wrote her this long email saying how that hurt and that I wanted to know what her plans were cause I cant take this anymore. I ended it with the last last resort technique saying I love her enough to let her go. When I clicked send email. the computer said my session timed out and I needed to log on again. when I did my email was gone. the sermon today was about forgiveness and letting anger or resentment get in the way of being closer to God. I think my losing my email was god telling me not to send it yet. I did send her an email. It said I appreciate you and complemented alot of her good qualities. I also said a couple of I liked it when you did this...... I thought about wether or not my email was going to bring me closer to my goal or farther away. So I rewrote it. I am tired of waiting. I am so detached and happy now my will to keep trying is being overpowered by my want to know what our plans are for the future. Im tired of her coasting. I have love to give and I am a catch now that I have my act together. I am going to see what I can do to improve our current sitch. take us from a 6 to a 7. Im afraid my heart just isnt in it. At this point I think im ready to give up. I have a life. Im happy with it and myself. I know I would be fine divorced or together. I am really questioning why I keep killing myself to save a marriage she doesnt want. I dont think im going to take action this week givin my email miracle I am going to give it a few more days before I say anything life altering. My question to you DBers out there is what do you do to keep going when your heart isnt in it anymore?