loosing hope and hurting

[FailedAgain]

OK, see if I can touch on a few things here, cause some of what your experiencing was me a few months back.

What I didnt plan on was my own emotional reaction to her answer.

Exactly, that's what nails us every time. Always thing about YOUR reaction not hers, because yours is the only one you can do antyhing about. Do your best to protect you mental health WHILE DB'ing.

She never before admitted to the A and in some ways her answer solidified it for me.

Believe it or not, this may help you once you spend a few weeks dealing with it. In my case, I spent so much time and energy analyzing if there was one going on, once I found out and dealth with it, true attitude changes seemed more real.

I think she was fishing because she ended up telling me she was ending it with OM and was considering getting back together in the future.

Let this roll off and do not use it to feel better by giving hope. Words are words, wait for action. Stay grounded.

I think we made progress yesterday. Im trying not to get my hopes up.

Try not to analyze your progress. If you feel you need to look at it, look at it on a minimum weekly basis. Believe it or not a month would be better. For me it gave me a lot of false sense of security and I believe hurt my DB process. Cause me to ride an emotional roller coaster where my good days were being dictated by what she did or didn't do or say. WRONG!! Doesn't work, drives you crazy, hurts DB'ing. Try to keep focusing on what YOU can do for YOURSELF to make you feel secure about the future without depending on her.

He seduced her and sabatoged my efforts telling her I would never change how can she put up with my behavior etc. yesterday was the first time I have asked about their R since I suspected the A. not wanting to push them together I left the issue alone. I only asked b/c she brought up he might be moving out. I wont be asking anymore Q about OM again. I cant handle tha answers right now.
With OM in the picture everything was on hold and I was left to wait until tha A ended to hope for any repair to start. If he is gone atleast she wont have him to fulfill her needs and distract her from missing me. I feel with him out of the picture my DB efforts will carry more weight. we will see. there is alot more that happened yesterday too but that will be another post I think. for now I am going to sit back see what happens with OM.

OK, now here is where I feel some thinking needs to be changed some. When my first wife and me went through the split up(i'm on 2nd now), it was along the same lines. Even though I knew even then our problems were between her and me, I was convinced that without the OM in the picture I could MAKE her see changes in me, FORCE her to deal with the situation. This was 10 years ago and this forum wasn't here. I did everything wrong, I was constantly trying to do things to keep him out of the situation focusing on him as THE PROBLEM not me. I understand you are not doing those things(ACTIONS) but mentally you are. It seems you feel like if certain things happen that's all it's going to take to make REAL progress and the things you identify are things you really have no control over. It is sort of like having the "Just give me(the old me) another chance" thing when you think it is all about an outside influence. In reality you BOTH need time. You need time to discover the changes YOU WANT to change about yourself, she needs time to heal or deal with whatever aspects of the relationship she was unhappy with and see the changes in you. The thing that REALLY SUCKS about all this, is that it does take time, there is no guarantees and you have no idea when it will end either way. That is what sends us all over the edge but we have to forget that.

This is all a natural way to feel, but your still focusing on the OM like he has some magical power over your wife, like he is brain washing her, the problems aren't that bad and if it were not for him this would not be happening. I have no doubt the OM is working in is best interest to get what HE wants and that's not to say he is not influencing her to some degree but, don't let your wife off the hook about this whole thing in her thinking. People do what they WANT to do. If she wants to stay in the marriage she will and nothing some magic mouthed guy can say will make her change her mind. So, thats why people here say, do things you can do something about and don't waste time, thinking, hoping or trying to change that which you can't. If she is still on the fence, then you need to completely focus on yourself. Make the changes for YOURSELF and no one else. Not just because she needs that from you, but because you, like all of us here, have things in our relationships that have for some reason made us less desireable to be in one with. Make these changes as a new way you want life to be for you NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

You may not be in a metal place for that yet, but keep working towards it and you will. I look back on how I was from month 2 looking back on month 1 thinking, wow, look at the mistakes. did the same thing month 3 looking back on month 2 and so on. Truth is, as time goes on and you keep working on yourself, eventually you will start seeing those changes in yourself. Forget whether W sees them or not, don't force them down her throat. Regain your identity, improve yourslef and try your best to just have an attitude of, "well, lets see what happens." The more time that goes by the more you will see, thats all I know to say.

Please chime in folks if I am off base. I get very nervous trying to help someone.