Well, we are quickly arriving at the six week mark since we last had sex. I have such a wild, churning, set of emotions I can't even begin to express them all. On the one hand - I am not sure if I even want my H in particular at this time. Sure, I want sex but does it even make sense to want sex with someone who just doesn't care about it? So, I've been taking the guy way out. I've been mb and fantasizing. The edge is off but that leaves the anger/frustration/resentment/worry behind.
I am frustrated that despite two different attempts to bring up the subject of our general functioning together all I can gather is that H is ticked that I keep needing to bring work home, that we are all stressed and exhausted beyond all belief and that H is well aware that we aren't having sex. He doesn't say whether that is a choice he is making for whatever reasons, that he isn't interested or anything committal at all. Just, "I know we haven't been intimate for a month." Then his behavior doesn't change one iota. The occasional smooch (like I could kiss his best friend, in front of him, and no one would think it was tacky), the occasional azz pat, a little back scratch/rub while watching television AND THAT IS IT.
That is where the frustration leads to resentment and worry. I resent the hell out of his continued reliance on my good nature and moral fiber. There are a lot of other people that would be looking for a flesh and blood affair instead of surfing the Berman Center website and choosing "therapist approved" toys for solo activity. The worry comes in because I worry that (a)it will always be this way, (b)it will actually get worse, or (c)that H has HUGE libido that is getting met elsewhere (no, I have no evidence, no reason to be suspicious....just the nagging feeling that no one can happily go without for 6 weeks at 40 years old).
Finally, the subject is all but unapproachable because H has been sick with cold/flu stuff for over two weeks - probably about three. Last night he sweated so much that he soaked through the sheets when he should be getting better. He is in no mood mentally or physically to address these issues or any others. I can tell because of how much tension there has been in the HH in general - H has argued with DS14 (they almost never do), DD9 has been moody (she sucks up the mood around her and acts accordingly) and even DD2 has been acting odd.
Tonight we will take the family to a little family Christmas concert with the crazy kid's folk band called "Trout Fishing In America" and get some dinner. I'm glad. We need a mood lightener. I am getting my hair done which will hopefully improve my mood. We will do some Christmas decorating/shopping on Saturday while watching football and hopefully get in a better frame of mind by the end of all this.
Karen
PS Of course, hope Springs eternal and I have been on Amazon selecting a new round of biblio-therapy books.
Boy, I could just write the script for how things are going to go between the two of you for the next little while. You will put off addressing the issue because he has a valid excuse for not wanting sex at the moment- the flu. Once he gets over the flu, after about 28.5 hours (LOL)you will become very angry if he chooses to engage in healthy person activities besides sex. He will feel martyred because he will sense your anger and think "Doesn't she know that I've had the flu. How selfish of her." (conveniently forgetting the 4 no-sex weeks prior to the flu). He will also feel chicken-sh*t about approaching you if he does get a bit horny because he will sense your righteous anger and frustration. So, maybe he will jack off instead. Then a couple hours later, utterly fed-up, you will finally approach him for sex and there will be no jelly left in the roll as it were. Then the two of you will "talk" about your sexual relationship using whatever new verbiage you came upon in your newest self-help book. ETC., ETC.Blah, Blech, Blah, Blech, Blah.
I am definitely not getting on your case here for obvious reasons that I can relate only too well. I'm just wondering what you could do that would really be a serious 180 and break the cycle all to h*ll. Maybe, break out the new sex toy in front of him and say "I know you're probably too sick to get it on at the moment but I'm pretty horny and I thought you might want to watch.". If you were feeling really bold you could even include a running stream of consciousness dialogue that revealed the inner fantasy life of Karen in the show.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
___________________________________________________________ Then the two of you will "talk" about your sexual relationship using whatever new verbiage you came upon in your newest self-help book. ETC., ETC.Blah, Blech, Blah, Blech, Blah. __________________________________________________________
H does not and will not engage in these types of dialogs. These are all things that go on in my head, my mind, my journal and are ways that I have tried to understand how the h*ll we got to where we are and why we are stuck here. Remember, it was my H who couldn't handle Marriage Encounter because the format was all about discussing things alone between the two of you. A didactic "class" style of marriage advice he could handle but down and dirty - these are our problems, this is my side, this is yours, let's negotiate a solution - NO WAY!!! He is all about avoidance - physical, emotional and conversational. He is all about diversion, deflection and nebulous - it will be better soon or let's go out to dinner.
As for the 180. I am too angry. I am too angry to approach for sex, I am too angry to discuss, I am too angry to do any of that civilly. However, once I get over that I agree that I do need to approach things from a totally different standpoint.
That was a little joke. Actually, the Berman Center website has a lot of good info - especially for women with issues of desire, menopause etc... They have a few "kegel" exerciser thingies, as well as various vibes that are supposed to be one's that women have said they prefer. Actually, I found the site through Drugstore.com.
I was really never much into the sex toy deal - a little "buzzing" on my clit doesn't really rock my world like interaction between two people does. I can get myself off no problem but it is the connection, the not being 100% sure of how and where that person will touch, of not knowing what will happen in the encounter - soft and slow or hard and fast? that is what I really like. I dated a guy in college for a little while who I didn't reallly think was that attractive but when we kissed you never knew if he was going to kiss slow and easy, if he was going to suck on your tongue, bite a little - I liked that so I hung out a little longer than I should have. We didn't ever have sex but I think he would have been very interesting in bed.
H is still sick. Actually, he sounds worse. He was in a foul humor all weekend and left for a one night business trip on Sunday night.
Friday - we went to a Christmas concert where H acted like an azz - he felt the music was too loud, that it was bothering the baby,complained that there were no concessions available at the venue. He acted like he had ADD - took the baby and left the concert about four times. The other two kids and their friends and I had a great time. DD 2 was not at all bothered by the noise - H was projecting. He is very sensitive to environmental stuff - noise, smells, tastes - really bother him. I was mildly pissed.
Saturday - H and DS14 were at it all day. H was pissed bec DS14 had procrastinated his homework all week and was now doing on Saturday when H had counted on his help getting Christmas decorations up in the bitter cold (while he was sick), also DS14 had lost his retainer. He has done a good job holding on to it - he has lost it one other time - our deal is that we pay for the first time it gets lost, we pay for 1/2 the second time, the kid pays 100% any subsequent time. Well apparently DS was not properly repentant in H's eyes - he was in mine and the consequence was already established so what is the big deal? DS14 then was also acting like an azz because he knew H was pissed but couldn't understand what the deal was. DS14 did bear personal responsibility in the issues but I think H was also just in general bad humor and it wasn't entirely DS's fault.
Sunday - more of the same but DS and H finally seemed to make up. I was glad when he left in the afternoon for his trip. I hope he and his internet porn were very happy together last night. As for me, I enjoyed my evening with the kids.
Karen
PS I did try to lighten the mood - my alma mater and H's are playing each other for the National Championship in football. I went to UF, he went to Ohio State. I offered a private wager to be discussed later. We'll see if he takes me up on it. Of course, I have something sexual in mind which I'm sure he knows. He'll probably ignore the whole thing.
He is very sensitive to environmental stuff - noise, smells, tastes - really bother him.
Sounds a little like Asperger's syndrome. W is aoften speaking of this becase her close friend has a daughter with asperger's and this sounds a lot like what she describes. How you ever looked into this as a possible condition for your H?
Hi Karen, Sometimes it's nice just to drop everything and hang with the kids. We both have 14 yo's ...how cool! My D14 is home sick today ( bad cold) so we have been changing off from the computer and Su Doku puzzles, and we just ordered in Chinese. I don't feel like dealing with H and those issues. I'm just feeling nice and calm and happy.
Karen, would you please email me at lillieperl at hotmail. I have a document I want to send you that I think you would like. It summarizes many of the books/approaches we have talked about on this board. I call it my "toolkit" for ready reference.
I'm very familiar with Aspbergers and no, that is not the case. H has very keenly developed social skills which is simply not the case with Aspbergers. He is closer to someone with some OCD tendancies although he could not be diagnosed with that. He is very orderly, routinized, keeps spreadsheets on everything and I think that smells, sounds and unfamiliar tastes just screw up the natural order for him.
