Well, we are quickly arriving at the six week mark since we last had sex. I have such a wild, churning, set of emotions I can't even begin to express them all. On the one hand - I am not sure if I even want my H in particular at this time. Sure, I want sex but does it even make sense to want sex with someone who just doesn't care about it? So, I've been taking the guy way out. I've been mb and fantasizing. The edge is off but that leaves the anger/frustration/resentment/worry behind.
I am frustrated that despite two different attempts to bring up the subject of our general functioning together all I can gather is that H is ticked that I keep needing to bring work home, that we are all stressed and exhausted beyond all belief and that H is well aware that we aren't having sex. He doesn't say whether that is a choice he is making for whatever reasons, that he isn't interested or anything committal at all. Just, "I know we haven't been intimate for a month." Then his behavior doesn't change one iota. The occasional smooch (like I could kiss his best friend, in front of him, and no one would think it was tacky), the occasional azz pat, a little back scratch/rub while watching television AND THAT IS IT.
That is where the frustration leads to resentment and worry. I resent the hell out of his continued reliance on my good nature and moral fiber. There are a lot of other people that would be looking for a flesh and blood affair instead of surfing the Berman Center website and choosing "therapist approved" toys for solo activity. The worry comes in because I worry that (a)it will always be this way, (b)it will actually get worse, or (c)that H has HUGE libido that is getting met elsewhere (no, I have no evidence, no reason to be suspicious....just the nagging feeling that no one can happily go without for 6 weeks at 40 years old).
Finally, the subject is all but unapproachable because H has been sick with cold/flu stuff for over two weeks - probably about three. Last night he sweated so much that he soaked through the sheets when he should be getting better. He is in no mood mentally or physically to address these issues or any others. I can tell because of how much tension there has been in the HH in general - H has argued with DS14 (they almost never do), DD9 has been moody (she sucks up the mood around her and acts accordingly) and even DD2 has been acting odd.
Tonight we will take the family to a little family Christmas concert with the crazy kid's folk band called "Trout Fishing In America" and get some dinner. I'm glad. We need a mood lightener. I am getting my hair done which will hopefully improve my mood. We will do some Christmas decorating/shopping on Saturday while watching football and hopefully get in a better frame of mind by the end of all this.
Karen
PS Of course, hope Springs eternal and I have been on Amazon selecting a new round of biblio-therapy books.
