Had a nice Thanksgiving with my family. DD2 and I are sharing a cold. We will be having a gigantic party tomorrow and I have no idea how I will make it - I feel so worn out. I don't actually do anything but the support role. This is H's show. It is a tradition he formed before we were married. He does all the cooking - makes gallons and gallons of his grandma's pasta sauce. All I have to do is help clean for the party, help with the guests, clean up after etc... The whole thing is pretty smooth but we will have 80-100 people here that day. Makes me tired just thinking about it.
Out of desperation I asked H to rub my shoulders last night. He complied knowing that I'm sick, exhausted and haven't been sleeping well. Afterward he hugged me from behind and kissed my head a few times. Maybe the ice is thawing.
I think we have such huge trust issues about sex - he probably feels that I have "rejected" him in the sense that I've said, in essence, that what he is offering isn't enough and he has told me, through fending me off, making promises he hasn't kept that he rejects me too. Sometimes I just get to thinking that I should just live like friendly roomates with him, have polite kisses and hugs and the rest of the time have a wild sex life with myself. I mean, what if on our joint credit card there were charges from ivibes, eve's garden, lingerie places etc... and I wasn't asking for any sex at all? I know - it is passive aggressive and ridiculous but I have considered a similar route (without the passive aggressive side). I have a book that has directions for massage for yourself (not mb), I could spend my time turning mb into an art form.... Ah yes, then the resentment always creeps in. It is the fly in the ointment every time. Just my exhaustion speaking.
