Thanks guys. I needed that. I just needed to get it out. I wrote H a long email to which he did not reply but he has been a little more loving lately. Maybe he kind of "gets it".
As for the thyroid, I have known about it for about six weeks but the doc needed to repeat the blood work a couple of times to make a definitive diagnosis. Stress is a huge factor in thyroid illness and pregnancy is often a triggering event. The good news would be if it was simply the pregnancy causing the whacky blood work but the doc was tending toward the Graves diagnosis. Oddly, I am not experiencing any symptoms other than crazy blood work so maybe things will be ok. I HATE the endo's office - they will not report labs to patients over the phone no matter how far away the next appointment is. How is anyone supposed to manage a chronic illness that way? I wrote the doc a letter and told her the policy sux. I will see her tomorrow. In the meantime I have done some research so I am more able to converse with her about all of this. I had asked her if there were any dietary or lifestyle changes I could make that would help. She said no - funny, every book or website I read said yes. Unchecked hyperthyroid can cause the baby to have growth problems or thyroid problems of his own. The endo and I need to get on the same page. I am not your average uninformed, non-compliant patient. I expect to be treated like it is MY body, not hers.
H and I had a long chat via email. His perception is that I am just "not happy" and that he keeps trying do more and more and still I don't seem happy. I pointed out that I have never complained that he doesn't "do" enough. He acknowledges the disconnect and that he worries we are in some kind of "downward spiral" and that he loves me too much to let that happen. Again, I say, didja notice that we haven't had sex for a month since our vacation when we were enjoying a nice sex life? Could the lack of sex be the cause of the disconnect rather than a byproduct?? For me, it is . We didn't come to any resolution but at least he acknowledges that things aren't great. Unfortunately, we are coming into the holidays where H usually experiences We'll see how it goes but I'm guessing I will be soothing myself as usual.
OTOH - good news from the endocrinologist. The thyroid numbers are getting better. Now she is tending toward pregnancy thyroitoxicosis that should resolve itself postpartum. She says if it is Graves disease then it won't resolve later on and we'll deal with that then. In the meantime the baby is being watched closely so things should be ok.
Quote: Unfortunately, we are coming into the holidays where H usually experiences...<something left out of sentence?>... We'll see how it goes but I'm guessing I will be soothing myself as usual.
Did you splice together two sentences and leave something out?
Oops - yes - H is usually mildly/moderately depressed all through the holidays because so many significant people have died during the holidays in his family and friend circle. I get this total body cringe as I feel it getting nearer. He did pretty well last year, maybe it won't be too bad.
From Cobras thread his anger overshadows so much of his thinking and judgement on matters pertaining to Mrs. C (could very well be righteous anger) that I am often left to wonder why it is worth the effort. What is the goal? A workable, ok marriage between two reasonable communicators but an "emotional divorce" in which sex is still expected OR something more lofty? I don't know. I don't know if the "reasonable" goal is worth attaining
I admire Cobra for his efforts. If he was taking the wrong tack she would not be open to more intimacy. Mrs. C is not the type to sexually acquiese. (correct me if I am wrong, cobra). because of that, her comment about not mixing emotions and sex made me laugh. Too funny.
Most men in his position would just walk. Cobra and his W both want to 'feel' emotional love. Cobra would have the same issues in a differant R. No matter who he is with he needs to learn to engage in conflict, without anger.
XH was an addict. You left. Thats perfectly understandable. You said your specific issues are different in your M, but they are a result of the same thing IMO. A change in perception, crashing insecurites and expectation by both of you. Him expecting you to continue your sexual behavior from the beginning of the R, and you expecting him to change his. I personally think your H has a combination of repression and sexual immaturity, and its crashing into your sexual desireability insecurity. Your H has so many other things together, I hope you are able to use your experience and knowledge to patiently teach him and work thru this particular weak area of his. It means you are going to have a sexual/body confidance that your XH prodded at before, probably in recognition that it is a soft spot of yours. You need to eliminate that azzhat voice of his from your head.
If you want to get a Breast Augmentation for you, fine. Dont do it so your H will find you more attractive. Better to go to Europe and run around topless on a beach to use courage to gain confidance and the self acceptance to see no one cares about your breasts nearly as much as you do. Confidance and self love are way more attractive. Your desireability issue is getting in your way to working thru this one thing with your H.
BTW, Im with your H. pregnant women are Hot.
I enjoyed reading your comments on the letters/ annulment/ going over the previous R. Ive been setting up my network, of computers that were in storage since I left TX. I was cleaning up the harddrives and found lots of old IM conversations. I was soooooo differentiated, it suprised me. My issues in my current R's are the same, and I have deliberatly choosen women that are (my definition) LD these past few months as opposed to the HD ones I chose prior to my M. At first I thought I wanted to be in a LTR with a woman who was a very close approximation to x. So Ive avoided them and focused on friendships with women who are very differant from her, while waiting for myself to return to my normal emotional state. The issues are exactly the same though. I have to much power, no confidance in their perspective control, and sometimes betaize myself to see how they will behave. Thats my entitlement, creating too much differentiation, negating their femininity. Stupid.
Keep doing what you have always done and youll get what you always got. Hopefully Ill stop this self fullfilling, defeating and destructive behavior in my next LTR.
his anger overshadows so much of his thinking and judgement on matters pertaining to Mrs. C (could very well be righteous anger) that I am often left to wonder why it is worth the effort. What is the goal? A workable, ok marriage between two reasonable communicators but an "emotional divorce" in which sex is still expected OR something more lofty? I don't know. I don't know if the "reasonable" goal is worth attaining
I admire Cobra for his efforts. If he was taking the wrong tack she would not be open to more intimacy. Mrs. C is not the type to sexually acquiese. (correct me if I am wrong, cobra). because of that, her comment about not mixing emotions and sex made me laugh. Too funny.
Most men in his position would just walk. Cobra and his W both want to 'feel' emotional love. Cobra would have the same issues in a differant R. No matter who he is with he needs to learn to engage in conflict, without anger. ____________________________________________________________________________
Don't get me wrong - I admire Cobra's efforts and ability to stick with it as well. Mrs. C is a tough nut to crack for sure. I agree that he will need to learn to handle his anger more constructively no matter what. My concern is his tendancy to overintellectualize/anayze Mrs. C and to at the same time defocus on himself. The thing about anger is that underneath that is some sort of fear: engulfment, abandonment, failure? some combination? That is where it becomes more about Cobra and less about what Mrs. C does. I am in perfect agreement with his efforts to set boundaries around Mrs. C's bad conduct but then, he must control his own. Believe it or not, I am in his corner I just would hope to see him identify some goals so he knows when he gets there and I'm not so worried about the sex part in his R. To me, that is the least of it although I guess, its presence or absence is a sort of measuring stick. And i agree, Mrs. C is probably not given to mercy sex or appeasement sex.
XH was an addict. You left. Thats perfectly understandable. You said your specific issues are different in your M, but they are a result of the same thing IMO. ___________________________________________________________________________
The single issue that is similar is my difficulty in making myself heard in the R. The was the primary source of my culpability in my first M. I allowed things I never should have allowed. I stayed too long, kept peace and changed myself into a person I didn't recognize all to preserve an increasingly fragile bond. Reminds me of trying not to break the silk on a spider's web. The other difference between the two is that the first M started on a false premise: I thought we were getting married to form a partnership, a life together, to support one another, have sex, fun, children .... He thought that he was getting a personal secretary, sex slave (to be manipulated at will), cheerleader and maid.
A change in perception, crashing insecurites and expectation by both of you. Him expecting you to continue your sexual behavior from the beginning of the R, and you expecting him to change his. I personally think your H has a combination of repression and sexual immaturity, and its crashing into your sexual desireability insecurity. Your H has so many other things together, I hope you are able to use your experience and knowledge to patiently teach him and work thru this particular weak area of his. It means you are going to have a sexual/body confidance that your XH prodded at before, probably in recognition that it is a soft spot of yours. You need to eliminate that azzhat voice of his from your head. ____________________________________________________________________________
I agree with this statement. I just get so confused in the face of H's distancing that I feel incapable of closing the gap. I have learned over time that while we might have a good discussion about our sl, it doesn't produce ANY change in his behavior. When we were dating the only way to close the gap of his insecurity and mine was to do as you suggest - I had to really tease and back off, persuade with my feminine whiles and not be put off by his was on/wax off behaviors. Anything too over the top sexy/slutty was an instant turn off. That took a huge amount of putting myself out there and that was easier then because I wasn't overcoming such entrenched distance.
If you want to get a Breast Augmentation for you, fine. Dont do it so your H will find you more attractive. Better to go to Europe and run around topless on a beach to use courage to gain confidance and the self acceptance to see no one cares about your breasts nearly as much as you do. Confidance and self love are way more attractive. Your desireability issue is getting in your way to working thru this one thing with your H. __________________________________________________________________________
There is no doubt that breast augmentation would be strictly for me. H has no particular affinity for ample ta tas. He is more of a butt man. However, I could be wrong - he could be spending his days on big boobs.com and be LD because of my insufficient cleavage. Who knows? Ex-H just used to bring the whole thing up as a way to shame me along with criticizing my clothes, hair, makeup because I was not exactly playmate of the month.
Current H made a comment recently that I spend all this time "running around trying to exercize harder, smell better, dress more attractivelly and that I don't understand that he loves me as I am." However, to me, he doesn't demonstrate his love in ways that feel like love to me.
I enjoyed reading your comments on the letters/ annulment/ going over the previous R. Ive been setting up my network, of computers that were in storage since I left TX. I was cleaning up the harddrives and found lots of old IM conversations. I was soooooo differentiated, it suprised me. My issues in my current R's are the same, and I have deliberatly choosen women that are (my definition) LD these past few months as opposed to the HD ones I chose prior to my M. At first I thought I wanted to be in a LTR with a woman who was a very close approximation to x. So Ive avoided them and focused on friendships with women who are very differant from her, while waiting for myself to return to my normal emotional state. The issues are exactly the same though. I have to much power, no confidance in their perspective control, and sometimes betaize myself to see how they will behave. Thats my entitlement, creating too much differentiation, negating their femininity. Stupid. ________________________________________________________________________
Ok - now you have identified the pattern. Forgive yourself. Forgive her. That was the real gift of the annulment. I could see the false premise my M was built upon, could see that it was doomed from the start, could see how my continued silence (punctuated by outbursts because I never could be quiet too long) and giving away of my power perpetuated and actually grew the issues until they were too big. I don't necessarily recommend my method but there are books like "Spiritual Divorce" that offer some exercises and things to work through. I think Bf that you will know when you find someone to be less differentiated/more vulnerable with. Until then, just enjoy the femininity of the women you date and keep getting more comfortable with who you are.
Good luck! I really hope to hear that you are head over heels one day.
Too bad the thanksgiving tradition is a lot of turkey and stuffing followed by being too tired and full for sex. A little turkey followed by a lot of sex would be so much better. Hope one of you can start a new tradition.
Had a nice Thanksgiving with my family. DD2 and I are sharing a cold. We will be having a gigantic party tomorrow and I have no idea how I will make it - I feel so worn out. I don't actually do anything but the support role. This is H's show. It is a tradition he formed before we were married. He does all the cooking - makes gallons and gallons of his grandma's pasta sauce. All I have to do is help clean for the party, help with the guests, clean up after etc... The whole thing is pretty smooth but we will have 80-100 people here that day. Makes me tired just thinking about it.
Out of desperation I asked H to rub my shoulders last night. He complied knowing that I'm sick, exhausted and haven't been sleeping well. Afterward he hugged me from behind and kissed my head a few times. Maybe the ice is thawing.
I think we have such huge trust issues about sex - he probably feels that I have "rejected" him in the sense that I've said, in essence, that what he is offering isn't enough and he has told me, through fending me off, making promises he hasn't kept that he rejects me too. Sometimes I just get to thinking that I should just live like friendly roomates with him, have polite kisses and hugs and the rest of the time have a wild sex life with myself. I mean, what if on our joint credit card there were charges from ivibes, eve's garden, lingerie places etc... and I wasn't asking for any sex at all? I know - it is passive aggressive and ridiculous but I have considered a similar route (without the passive aggressive side). I have a book that has directions for massage for yourself (not mb), I could spend my time turning mb into an art form.... Ah yes, then the resentment always creeps in. It is the fly in the ointment every time. Just my exhaustion speaking.
Good party, we are exhausted. No sex in sight. Not sure if I care although I keep dreaming about sex.
On to the joke: ___________________________________________________________
> A cowboy walked into a drug store in Texas and asked to talk to a male > pharmacist. > > The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and > as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed > there. She then asked if she could help him. > > The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more > comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. > > The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional > and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident > that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism. > > The cowboy then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to > discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of > problems and severe embarrass-ment, and I was wondering what you could > give me for it." > > The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister." > > When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the > absolute best we can do is as follows: 1/3 ownership in the store, a > company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month living expenses." __________________________________________________________
