Quote: love your take on things. That is too funny. I just might give it a shot.
If it works for you another one that I've tried with quite a bit of success is to pretend that I am a housekeeper/call girl that my H pays for housewifely and sexual "work" ( I have to ignore the fact that I actually earn money myself). If he doesn't initiate sex I can just think "Yay! Easy day at the office. I just had to cook dinner.".
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Well, of course, no birthday nookie. I know I could have had some if I wanted but damn it I wanted to see some desire. H was doing his fanny rub thing at bedtime and I know a little encouragement could have gotten things going. I was already in a little better frame of mind because beautiful flowers came to my office in the afternoon and I got a lovely card in the morning that talked about the "joy of being married to someone as wonderful as I am." So I thought, "he really loves me."
In the light of day, I am feeling old, fat and cheap. For the price of a card and a few flowers and a sexless cuddle I was bought. Once again I asked myself the question - "Does he even know who you are? and Does he want to?" Folks, I am a person with depth (as all of you wonderful people are), that means I have depth to my thoughts, my sexuality, my emotions but H only likes the surface parts -surface sex, someone to share a life with, a good partner, a good parent and so on. A nice surface sexual romp now and again is good too but so is the darker side of sexuality that we have talked about here and a whole lot of things in between. Light, happy thoughts and logistical discussions about kids, house etc... are nice but so are deeper more philosophical discussions. I am so sad.
Karen
PS The real joy of being married to me is that I'm not really so wonderful. Don't get me wrong I am a good wife, a good partner and a good Mom but there's a bunch more there that isn't so nice and sweet.
Quote: Once again I asked myself the question - "Does he even know who you are? and Does he want to?" Folks, I am a person with depth (as all of you wonderful people are), that means I have depth to my thoughts, etc.
karen honey I hear you loud and clear and you're right... BUT this is VERY 4-ish thinking, so don't indulge in it too much. Not saying you're wrong (and I didn't get flowers or a card-- even though he KNOWS I want a card-- but I did get scarf and gloves for a present). Just saying don't spend a lot of time looking at the world through 4-colored glasses. It doesn't change him, it only makes you miserable.
Last night I dreamed I was pregnant-- I've never BEEN pregnant, and have never been with a man who wanted me to have his baby. Even though you can find something wrong with your sitch, there's a huge chunk of positive stuff there.
Right now, dwell on what's right-- just for the next few months. Don't dwell on what's wrong... not right now. You can get back to that later. Those dark thoughts will always be there waiting for you at the edge of the abyss.
Oh Lil, I am extremely aware of the positives and that is what reminds me that I really am in this for life. I love him and I know he loves me (big positive), we get along very well, have fun with each other, raise our children well together, and are compatible over money and values issues.
The thing that happens when I approach the abyss is that part of me waits for the day when he says that he has found someone who is his soul mate, who deeply understands him and who resonates for him. Then I can actually picture myself thinking, "Well of course, because you never knew who I was in the first place." Wouldn't that be sad? I almost feel as though it wouldn't even suprise me given that I sometimes feel like a character on a kid's show or family sitcom where I am the character named "Mom" - nobody ever wants to know who Mom really is nor cares about her deepest thoughts nor even suspects the dark/sexual/spiritual being that she is in her deepest soul. Is it Marianne Williamson who says that most people aren't afraid of failure but that they are powerful beyond measure? I think most of us are also afraid of that very thing about others.
Karen, I'm with you...acutely aware of the compromises I've made for the bigger picture. I know I won't get the opportunity to explore the depths of intimacy with my H...just as I know I can't enjoy outdoorsy adventure the way my H does, or see the world in 3-d the way my daughter can, or crack up with humor as readily as my son. H and I now have a nice life together...we value and appreciate one another...yet there is grieving..and hopefully acceptance... of the limitations. Most of the time I am happy with the choice I have made and feel fortunate to have a life partner; I'm still working through all this stuff...growth and maturity, you know.
Thanks. Good to know that I am not the only one who feels a particular sadness about this. I do not share my H's love of triathlon training but I'm not sad about that. KWIM? I can celebrate that he enjoys it and I like to spectate at the events. No one celebrates my desire for deep, evolving sexuality and intimacy - not even me, mostly I submerge it.
Lil - Pregnancy in dreams sometimes indicates the presence of goals, ideas, and big dreams. Wonder if you have some fabulous idea brewing????
Maybe the best thing we can to is embrace our individual sensuality on our own...you know, wear silky things, light candles, read books, play with scents, take baths ( my fav), write stories, use our imaginations. The trick is to do all this without becoming more frustrated and feeling more isolated.
I go through fits and starts with that. Usually I feel better initially only to find the resentment creeping up again. I guess I am just a little romantic and immature. Who knew you could still be immature at 39?
Karen & IHJ- I totally dig what you two are saying. I don't worry so much about my bf finding a soul mate... I just worry that I never will... that I never will find someone who truly wants to know me, and especially to know me sexually and intimately.
Tonight I went with him to our every other week C meeting, and at the end I asked bf for an affirmation that he sees me as being supportive in his life. He said something really convoluted like, "I see your behavior as being that of someone who cares." Huh? Even the C rolled his eyes.
Both of us are hiding.
I've decided to start going back to my own C who I went to right after my H died. She's Jewish, an older lady, a Jungian (former pres of the local Jung Society) and her husband passed away almost two years ago (so I know she now understands widowhood as only one can who has gone through it). I need someone who is focused on ME. I find myself doing his work too much. I need to keep doing MY work.
I used to feel that way myself (though perhaps with a more Type 7 take on the matter) but I don't so much anymore. When Lil described the way she as a Type 4 would choose to pursue a man, my immediate thought was "that is exactly what my H would want". My fantasy mate Hank is a Type 7 like me only better. So maybe everyone's ideal soulmate is just a mirror-image of themselves but higher functioning. But in real life, matings of like-types doesn't always work that way. For instance, although I think what Lil says she wants to offer a man is just what my H would want, I think they would last approximately 13.5 days in a relationship together, at best. Also, when Lil described her Type 7 BF as someone who "always has a pie on hand" this was immediately appealing to me but on second thought I realized that I wouldn't necessarily want to be in a relationship with a man who "always has a pie on hand" because that is the role I see myself filling in a relationship. We might end up with a mean-spirited pie-bake-off competitive type relationship. So, I think everyone has a fantasy alternate mate but that this is to some extent a narcissistic fantasy along the lines of "I am so great. Why can't I be with somebody just like me so they would appreciate my greatness.". If you fear the fact that your partner may be having fantasies along this line it is probably a reflection of your fear that you may have gone too far in reducing validation in the relationship without adding value. Therefore, you can reduce your uncomfortable feelings by either backtracking and validating your partner or by adding value. For example, if you went out of your way to buy your H a set of Star Trek DVDs and said "I bought them for you because I really appreciate you as a husband." you would greatly reduce your fears that he doesn't see you as a soulmate. However, I don't know if reducing your fear in this manner is what will aid your relationship in the long run.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
