RE Corri BF said "Corri... you need to learn how to be a girl." Well, right out of the gate that pissed me off. Corri, I expected you would be. I was in the Women’s Issues (WI) class at college and know why you were PO’d. Calling an older female a girl in the WI class would have gotten me drummed out of the class. So much for intellectual enlightenment. I am seeing, some of the WI classes are messing with biology.
The label, 'girl,' to me... was a put-down. A childish, simpering, wimpy, whining, pouting, stomp-your-foot, b!tchy, manipulating version of a 'can't grow up and think for yourself,' type of woman. That about sums up the WI class and add some men want to dominate women.
Is there one thing there, in my mental image, that is positive about being a girl? Not one thing. And then I had to start thinking, once I realized that... "where in the heck did I come to THAT conclusion? I am glad you did.
Corri, my guess as to the percentage you are correct: Lou, I think your wife is pleasure deprived. 80% She has no clue what pleases her, other than her pets. 75%, People that see what is missing, how well are they able to see what is there? BB is a person that feels shorted changed. . she sticks with that, because that is what she knows... and she feels no pressure from her animals. 100%
I think she sees sex as a performance issue, As in, she has no hormonal basis to have any desire? That is her answer so far. Her performance or mine? A lack of variety or intensity?
she sees sex as an obligation to the M 90%. Also has figured out no sex = fewer back and foot rubs or is I do the back and foot rubs get her in the mood? I don’t know how to tell the difference sometimes. Sometimes I do.
therefore, cannot get to the whole 'pleasure' part of it. 100% She said she quit wanting the pleasure part in 1981. Also said she won’t depend on a man for sexual pleasure and has no interest Mbing.
She may see it as something she 'owes' you as a wife, Owes me=25%, knows how much no sex causes me problems=25%, willing to trade for back/foot rubs=25%, wants to connect emotionally=25%
not something she shares with you as a partner... and even if she could wrap her mind around being a partner.. I am going to have to think about this one. I will say doesn’t see sex as a R requirement but wants me to share her enthusiasm for pets, get my kicks/love from caring for pets.
she still has no idea how to approach sex as a partner, and not as a performer. I know she thinks I do not support her when she has a disagreement with a family member. So she doesn’t feel like I am her partner/soul mate.
Funny thing is, she was the one into sex from the time we met till 1981 and my back problems. I know it takes a lot of her being at the center of my universe to keep her happy, always did and when I worked tooo much, the R started to go bad.
there is no use beating myself up over something I did not have the ability to see Yes, I have been starting to see and think that way too,
But. Thinking of how BF helped me... and how the current man I am dating has given me ample opportunity to explore my femininity and ENCOURAGE it... I think you can do the same for your wife. Here goes to trying out things Corri. I guess I need to expand my list of things to talk about and do to see if they work.
if your wife is exhibiting alpha male traits... I guess I would say to her, or ask her... in a non-committal, non-confrontation way... 'do you know how to be a girl?' I did that last night. BB said she didn’t know how to be a girl. Also said she was puzzled by the question. I said girl referred to feminines, and I thought there has been too much competition with in the M.
I do something for her/us, she comes along and asks question of me pertaining to quality and then proceeds to give her version of what would have been better. I told BB her pickiness feels like what I do is not good enough and she is saying or indicating she can/could do it better,, IE a competive environment.
You'll have to learn how to do this. You will have to learn how to subtlety teach or encourage your W to revel in her female side. 'Cause she isn't, and I can see it, plain as day. 100% BB talks during TV programs where a H cheats on the W. BB makes comments like never be dependent on a man. Women can do most things on their own.
I will have to take clues from some public interactions people engage in or some movie scenes.
RE GEL I do bring things up a couple weeks later when the right situation comes up....and I reinforce that #1 it's OK to make mistakes, Good GEL. That is so different than most work environments.
#2 I'm not out to crucify the man. I emphasize that I'm not on a fault-finding mission, I simply want an honest relationship. If either of us screws up, as long as we are honest about it, it can be worked through. Knowing or thinking a W is not on a fault finding mission, AH that is a tough one for me and maybe you’re your H.
I can see from my own married experiences #1 is easier to do and I don’t worry about making some mistakes. #2 is a sore subject with me. I guess I have too many bad experiences with BB being picky maybe somewhat like your H’s XW.
If I were you, I would ask him what he thinks about fault finding. I know I have a problem and see BB in a fault finding mode, maybe even when she says she isn’t.
I have no doubt that you are probably on target as you your comment about his work-behavior and his home behavior too. Where he works if someone messes up....they are crucified, made examples of, and often ridiculed in front of others. GEL, I worked in one place where the top people had steak and the low people had beans at a company meeting at restaurant a couple times a year. Supposedly it was to motivate some of the lower performing people but I felt it was over the line. If the lower performing people complained, they were labeled wimps.
He did tell me too when it came to the Viagra that "that's just not something guys talk about".. I don‘t socialize much and no one I know mentions Viagra. I guess I better be more open to the possibility someone I know want to talk about it, maybe even me someday.
but it's pretty important information when a couple is going through what we have. Especially if he feels you think he is lacking in some way.
