Re HD OMG! I'm hitting MIDLIFE this Saturday. Well mid-life guy, "happy birthday."
When do I get my Corvette? After you get your own digital camera and quit messing with Ms. HD's.
I worked in a garage that had 2 to 4 'vettes come in about every week. At first it was fun. After about a year, I lost interest in the line of cars.
High theft and insurance rates, people fingering the car when you park it, one of the worst riding cars around, and not after towing one back to the garage, that collided with a regular car, not all that safe. But that was 1969.
And some people think mini-vans are dogs. Smoking. Many only have 4 cylinder engines Chrysler Mini Vans Powered by The 2.5 Turbo engine. go down the page or my twin,and look at the Bernie Willis picture. It sort of reminds me of someone. Who? Me?
RE Corri BF said "Corri... you need to learn how to be a girl." Well, right out of the gate that pissed me off. Corri, I expected you would be. I was in the Women’s Issues (WI) class at college and know why you were PO’d. Calling an older female a girl in the WI class would have gotten me drummed out of the class. So much for intellectual enlightenment. I am seeing, some of the WI classes are messing with biology.
The label, 'girl,' to me... was a put-down. A childish, simpering, wimpy, whining, pouting, stomp-your-foot, b!tchy, manipulating version of a 'can't grow up and think for yourself,' type of woman. That about sums up the WI class and add some men want to dominate women.
Is there one thing there, in my mental image, that is positive about being a girl? Not one thing. And then I had to start thinking, once I realized that... "where in the heck did I come to THAT conclusion? I am glad you did.
Corri, my guess as to the percentage you are correct: Lou, I think your wife is pleasure deprived. 80% She has no clue what pleases her, other than her pets. 75%, People that see what is missing, how well are they able to see what is there? BB is a person that feels shorted changed. . she sticks with that, because that is what she knows... and she feels no pressure from her animals. 100%
I think she sees sex as a performance issue, As in, she has no hormonal basis to have any desire? That is her answer so far. Her performance or mine? A lack of variety or intensity?
she sees sex as an obligation to the M 90%. Also has figured out no sex = fewer back and foot rubs or is I do the back and foot rubs get her in the mood? I don’t know how to tell the difference sometimes. Sometimes I do.
therefore, cannot get to the whole 'pleasure' part of it. 100% She said she quit wanting the pleasure part in 1981. Also said she won’t depend on a man for sexual pleasure and has no interest Mbing.
She may see it as something she 'owes' you as a wife, Owes me=25%, knows how much no sex causes me problems=25%, willing to trade for back/foot rubs=25%, wants to connect emotionally=25%
not something she shares with you as a partner... and even if she could wrap her mind around being a partner.. I am going to have to think about this one. I will say doesn’t see sex as a R requirement but wants me to share her enthusiasm for pets, get my kicks/love from caring for pets.
she still has no idea how to approach sex as a partner, and not as a performer. I know she thinks I do not support her when she has a disagreement with a family member. So she doesn’t feel like I am her partner/soul mate.
Funny thing is, she was the one into sex from the time we met till 1981 and my back problems. I know it takes a lot of her being at the center of my universe to keep her happy, always did and when I worked tooo much, the R started to go bad.
there is no use beating myself up over something I did not have the ability to see Yes, I have been starting to see and think that way too,
But. Thinking of how BF helped me... and how the current man I am dating has given me ample opportunity to explore my femininity and ENCOURAGE it... I think you can do the same for your wife. Here goes to trying out things Corri. I guess I need to expand my list of things to talk about and do to see if they work.
if your wife is exhibiting alpha male traits... I guess I would say to her, or ask her... in a non-committal, non-confrontation way... 'do you know how to be a girl?' I did that last night. BB said she didn’t know how to be a girl. Also said she was puzzled by the question. I said girl referred to feminines, and I thought there has been too much competition with in the M.
I do something for her/us, she comes along and asks question of me pertaining to quality and then proceeds to give her version of what would have been better. I told BB her pickiness feels like what I do is not good enough and she is saying or indicating she can/could do it better,, IE a competive environment.
You'll have to learn how to do this. You will have to learn how to subtlety teach or encourage your W to revel in her female side. 'Cause she isn't, and I can see it, plain as day. 100% BB talks during TV programs where a H cheats on the W. BB makes comments like never be dependent on a man. Women can do most things on their own.
I will have to take clues from some public interactions people engage in or some movie scenes.
RE GEL I do bring things up a couple weeks later when the right situation comes up....and I reinforce that #1 it's OK to make mistakes, Good GEL. That is so different than most work environments.
#2 I'm not out to crucify the man. I emphasize that I'm not on a fault-finding mission, I simply want an honest relationship. If either of us screws up, as long as we are honest about it, it can be worked through. Knowing or thinking a W is not on a fault finding mission, AH that is a tough one for me and maybe you’re your H.
I can see from my own married experiences #1 is easier to do and I don’t worry about making some mistakes. #2 is a sore subject with me. I guess I have too many bad experiences with BB being picky maybe somewhat like your H’s XW.
If I were you, I would ask him what he thinks about fault finding. I know I have a problem and see BB in a fault finding mode, maybe even when she says she isn’t.
I have no doubt that you are probably on target as you your comment about his work-behavior and his home behavior too. Where he works if someone messes up....they are crucified, made examples of, and often ridiculed in front of others. GEL, I worked in one place where the top people had steak and the low people had beans at a company meeting at restaurant a couple times a year. Supposedly it was to motivate some of the lower performing people but I felt it was over the line. If the lower performing people complained, they were labeled wimps.
He did tell me too when it came to the Viagra that "that's just not something guys talk about".. I don‘t socialize much and no one I know mentions Viagra. I guess I better be more open to the possibility someone I know want to talk about it, maybe even me someday.
but it's pretty important information when a couple is going through what we have. Especially if he feels you think he is lacking in some way.
The latest problem is my semen burns BB when I orgasm inside her. I did some Googling and found some information, but few solutions other than barriers/condoms.
My biggest problem is this is just one more thing to deal with and one more thing that causes BB to not like sex. I am getting to the point I don't think the sex issues will ever be resolved on a physical level and BB's frequent expressions that men are X, Y or Z, (not complimentary) and more women should liver alone.
Me, I am just coasting for now.
I can connect (play house like 6 yr old's) with BB if I treat the pets like children. I like pets but like to be with people more.
I removed the bedroom air conditioner and put it in storage. It never got used because BB wanted the bedroom window to be open.
I said I was coasting in my last post. Not exactly correct as things have been going down hill. I am sleeping in the spare bedroom part of the nights. I just have too much resentment for what is and is not happening in our R. I try to sleep in the same bed but can't sometimes. Been doing the my side of the bed edge hugging but that gets tiring so I move to the other room.
I suppose I am shooting myself in the foot by emotionally withdrawing but am feeling like what ever is going to happen, will happen. All I can do is speed it up or slow it down a little. Who knows, a persons perception is not always reality. We did have a few discussions that led no where. I don't know if expressing my feelings honestly did any good.
I had a few days of severe back trouble but am fine now. This usually triggers BB in to sell everything and buy a "Patio Home" where you have to have a maintenance agreement / co-op for all of the repairs and someone mows the lawn, shovels the snow, and takes care of the outside of the building for a monthly fee. BB wants things tidied up in case I die? I feel I am just here for her benefit sometimes.
I know I have too much stuff and have been throwing things away, recycling some things, and selling some of my better pieces. I junked out 10 big printers and returned 60 toner cartridges to a recycling center.
BB's comments? Nothing got done. It looks the same to her. She wants to see clear space not a lower stack of items. None of my stuff is in the main living floor/area.
I tried to compare what BB complained about when her mother said she could do something better and how disappointed BB felt with what BB usually says to me. (10 printers and 60 cartridges gone) Well, BB rejected the idea that her comment "nothing got done" was not comparable to her mothers putdowns of she could have done a little better if she worked a little harder.
Me? my self-esteem is OK. The R is up in the air.
Enough of my gloom. Wish I had better news. I guess men are pigs, ony want a W for sex, and want to control women.
No, she takes it as a one sided attack on her. as in "Look what a bad person BB is"
I don't say much about my IC either. Db and IC are just places to make BB look bad to her.
One of the reasons for posting today is, I am contributing to the problem even though I know, read, was advise what not to do and what to do. I am not going to say I can't help myself, it's more that doing more doesn't improve the R much and sometimes comes across as male control, which some women see as an undesirable.
I'm sure you've tried this....but when she takes your comments as personal attacks do you ever patiently tell her "That isn't what I said....what I said was..... What you are hearing ISN'T what I'm saying at all."
I know that almost sounds condescending to someone if you say that....but it's honestly what I've had to do to my H repeatedly, because he jumps to the negative so often.....or assumes what I mean, or twists my words. As I've said a couple of times before....I've literally had to sit in front of my H and repeat (sometimes up to 7 times) "that's not what I said....." before he would begin to hear what I was actually saying to him.
It's exhausting to do this, believe me I know....but I've found the effort well worthwhile.
Smoking. Many only have 4 cylinder engines 
Who? Me?
I like pets but like to be with people more.