Re lil
It must seem like the third degree. Not really. More like Lostgals post, look at the good things more. I know you lean towards looking at the good things in your R with bf.
she thinks she has nothing much worthwhile about herself. That makes me sad to read. Sounds like very low self-esteem. Very low self-esteem, yes. Especially in some areas. OTH She said none (self-esteem) goes along with a pattern not that uncommon even here on the SSM forum. One day most things are gloom and a week later things are Rosy.
It also matches BB's pattern of over stating things. Like the time she said she didn't have to worry about me having an A, no woman would want me then a few months later quizzing me about "who was she", a potential OW, and a few months later making remarks like I was gay. <not a complaint, just information why I don't take some statements at face value>
It's only recently, in her 80's,(Lil's mother) that she has glimmerings of a notion that she might be just as worthwhile as anyone else. That is good to hear. I think of situations like your mother and myself at times, even-though the person is a parent, sometimes it takes a longer time or a lifetime to be a stable and properly functioning adult.
That was different than many peoples mental model, where to the kids, the parents seemed to have so much power and we thought they should be perfect like Beaver Cleaver parents. Gees, even Lassie had an almost perfect home. <just using the two programs as a dramatic/overstated example> But that was all written into a script and not real life.
I saw parental maturity delays, especially with the Native American boys in the group home. Mom and dad drinking and drugging and the only "adults/parents" in the extended family were the grandparents. In some families it is the norm that the grandparents raise the kids.
If someone already feels they are worthless, and you're always trying to correct them or "help" them, do you see how this doesn't help at all? I see this, especially when done frequently or any of the other excessive type, descriptive words.
One case between BB and I, which worked, was during one of her down times. I asked if she was worth the higher priced meal or just a $1 burger. I knew she didn't like the $1 burger but she resisted saying she was worth the better meal. I said I thought she was worth the better meal but if she really thought she was only worth the $1 burger, I would reluctantly settle for her choice. It was similar to when she wanted to have ice cream but stay in the car. Watching the news, bombings, for 8+ hours a day and not wanting to mingle a little sounds like a formula to lower self-esteem.
I did it in a semi-serious way and avoided anything personal or judgemental. BB caught on I was just fishing for some more positive or less negative answers. It was like a contest asking "who is the vice president of the U.S."
But you can STOP teaching, correcting, micromanaging them I would say micromanaging was my biggest problem because I was goal oriented, afraid of the R failing. When I had a gradual mental shift to, what ever happens, I will be OK, and BB would make it on her own, the micro-management part is gradually decreasing.
If someone already feels they are worthless, and you're always trying to correct them or "help" them, do you see how this doesn't help at all? Yes I see how a person (me) can enable the OP to not be responsible for their stuff.
If you asked your kids (can't remember how many kids you have), "What are your mom's best qualities?" what would they say? I will ask.
D (has 2 girls), now a nurse like BB, was born in 1970. Son (not married, doesn't want a gf) born in 1972 almost 1973 is a diesel mechanic for a railroad. Just pointing out the kids followed in the parent's footsteps, and all on their own BTW. D married a mechanic. Interesting pattern for all of the pattern followers/theorist's.
Of COURSE she knows she's grumpy and why people don't like her! She doesn't sound stupid, just full of self-hatred. In addition, I also saw some fishing for attention.
(lou)I think she was trying to bait or string me along....(lil)What do you mean by this? I felt she might be looking for attention, or was expecting me to rescue her in some small way, or maybe just to keep things stirred up. I don't know for sure. All I do know, I wasn't going to own/buy into any of her stuff. It was her stuff. All I could do is listen and state what I think or feel.
So pay her a compliment already I did this AM. Today's temps are going to be just at the point when we like to turn on the air-conditioning (A/C). BB asked me, should she or shouldn't she in a way that indicated did I think it was going to be warmer or cooler than predicted.
I said she had better insight to her comfort level than I did and always made the right decision in the past. I think I used the words "common sense" in there someplace.
BB said thanks for the compliment and went on to say she thought she had more "common sense" than many people had.
<back ground info. Most days when we like to A/C the house, it isn't till 11AM till it gets that warm and on some days it cools off enough by 8PM, we don't need A/C. Some days we don't A/C until after lunch, especially if the humidity is low.>
Sounds like both of you are on a starvation diet. Yes, that is part of the reason for the outings and group events I am going to. I think that getting a glimpse of what other people do and interact with them, I can lose some of my urges to fix the R that are not working. I can see some improvements in myself and BB already.
C session at 2PM today. I will review some of the things that happened, changed, and talk about lightening the old baggage items.
I just shredded some financial papers I had from the early 80's. The data is now on the computer's hard drive. I printed out a summary, have a back-up copy on another partition of the hard drive, a set of back-up floppy disks. What I still need to do is burn a copy to CD ROM's.
