(I suppose BB sees me walking away as me being moody, and not so much as I want to escape some of her very opinionated talk.)
If she sees it that way...that's her problem, let her deal with that. Express why you aren't standing there listening to her diatribe and walk away. The rest is HERS to deal with. Don't even worry about supposing how she views your walking away.
I suppose BB sees me walking away as me being moody I should have said, on a few occasions, a day or two later BB told me I was being moody when I walk away. I did tell her why but gave her the softer version.
The rest is HERS to deal with. Sometimes I do the Schnarch version and some times I try to smooth things over, attempt to make a repair (per John Gottman, as in the book) "The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships" which takes a different approach than Schnarch. The trick is which method to use in what situation. Amazon The Relationship Cure: page
Quote: [BB said:] I was being moody when I walk away.
Let her say this. So what? So what if she thinks you're being moody? I don't mean this as a rhetorical question. What are the consequences to either one of you if she THINKS you're being moody. You're NOT being moody, so who cares what she thinks.
Your Identity System requires that she understand you and why you do things. This is not necessary. Your Identity System thinks it's necessary, but it's not necessary. It is not necessary for your well-being that she understand why you do something. And your effort to make her understand has you running around and around the hamster wheel.
Let her wonder. Let her be confused. Let her be in the dark. Let her figure it out on her own. Don't try to do her thinking for her. Let her misunderstand you.
Let yourself BE misunderstood and just BE with it without trying to change it.
Both GEL that should be easy to do"...as in you would think it should be, but it's not easy for you? Because with some past history it wasn't easy.
"that should be easy to do"...as in That's easy enough to do for you...no problem? It is a simple enough thing to do and feeling disconnected/not responsible for the outcome helps. It also helps to let go of the past.
I will report a better day. Not much negativity, BB liked several things today.
Last evening I was gone from 5:30 til 9:30. The church has several in-home groups. I met a lawyer/CPA, a truck repair shop owner with 10 employees, and a city building permit department head. We had a "this is what was on my mind" chat session in one of the guys garage that lives on 80 acres way out of town.
It was nice to meet some successful go-getter's. some of the guys came from humble beginnings.
Lou, I think it's fabulous that you are trying to make some guy friends! WTG!
But you must promise that you won't bail when BB starts to get jealous that you have friends and she doesn't, or get mopey/moody when you're going out to the group meetings. And don't fall for the "you have places to go and I don't so you OWE me" that she is likely to lay on you.
Bravo for following up on the group thing!!
You never did answer my question (it was not a rhetorical question): "What difference does it really make to you if she THINKS you're acting moody?"
Re Lil But you must promise that you won't bail when BB starts to get jealous I am not going to bail.
I went out again tonight. I invited BB but she said no and suggested the people I was going to see were too busy for company. I went w/o feeling anything except for my original reasons to go in the first place.
"What difference does it really make to you if she THINKS you're acting moody?" Because I was acting moody/withdrawn. And that is not how I want to act. I can imagine being like that around friends and after a while even my friends see our interactions are sub-par.
This behavior is not exactly good H material or actions. Being moody or frustrated as a result of listening to BB's strong opinions, based on her wish list of unfunded/undo-able ideas, does grate on my ability to be supportive.
When I am trying to build or maintain a fairly rewarding with BB, I see the cycle of negativity and me withdrawing having the non-supportive effect. Other times withdrawing works.
There is still the thought in my mind, that a person gets more from a R using honey, than using vinegar. I see it (honey) not working sometimes.
With BB being more up-beat, I notice it is a lot easier to ignore some of the same annoying things she said on Sunday.
I guess I better go to bed somewhat on time. This being on the inter-net till 2-3AM has me tired.
BB says something outrageous like "All gay black Jews should be deported back to Africa" or something really backward and off the wall.
Instead of trying to reason with her and point out the absurdity of such an opinion, instead of trying to educate her, you simply say "oh," and walk away.
Then she says, "Why are you being so moody/mopey/pouty?"
You KNOW you are not being moody. You just didn't want to take part in a stupid conversation.
So what difference does it make if SHE thinks you're moody when YOU KNOW you're not?
You wrote
Quote: Because I was acting moody/withdrawn. And that is not how I want to act. I can imagine being like that around friends and after a while even my friends see our interactions are sub-par.
I took this to mean that you do not want to act moody, and you also do not want to act in ways that she will interpret as moody.
Well, if you don't want to act moody, then don't. Period.
BUT you have NO CONTROL over how she interprets your behavior.
I mean, if she says something and you simply do not hear her, and she accuses you of ignoring her, she is simply mistaken. You cannot control the fact that she interpreted your behavior this way.
I think the only way to save your sanity is to act more independently of how she reacts, how you think she might react, how she interprets you, what she thinks of what you say and how you act... when you know that your actions are benign and are performed in your own best interest.
I see nothing to be gained by arguing with her that the idea of sending gay black Jews to Africa is utter and total B.S. And if she wants to interpret your unwillingness to talk about that as being "moody," you cannot control that.
You can control your actions, but you cannot contol how she interprets your actions. You can waste time trying to explain yourself and trying to make her understand... but why?
I suppose as an alternative, when she says something stupid, you can say, "oh," and then immediately change the subject to something sensible/positive. I think telling her that you don't want to listen to negative stuff is totally reasonable... tell her that if she persists, then every time she starts complaining, you're going to go off somewhere and be cheerful by yourself until she can see the world in a better light.
Re Lil I think telling her that you don't want to listen to negative stuff is totally reasonable... tell her that if she persists, then every time she starts complaining, you're going to go off somewhere and be cheerful by yourself until she can see the world in a better light. I have done that a few times, I need to do it more.
(part "A")I took this to mean that you do not want to act moody, and (part "B")you also do not want to act in ways that she will interpret as moody. Part "A" is the negavity and opinionated talk of BB grates on me and wears my good mood down till I start getting moody or start to act withdrawn.
When I say I don't want to act withdrawn / moody, I am saying I resist acting that way but find it difficult to do given some of the circumstances on some days. My choice, if I had it, would be interacting with some one, preferably BB, that was more congenial / friendly / compatible.
Part "B" I am not trying to control how she interprets my withdrawn / moody state. I know she will think what she thinks and I quit trying to change what she sees/hears/reasons and interprets from that.
Some examples, I know I am not going to convince BB it is not too warm to go some where, or one of her friends is not too busy for her to call and visit on the phone for 15 minuets.
Well, if you don't want to act moody, then don't. Period. If I find myself becoming too withdrawn / moody I usually find things to do away from BB. This helps for now and I am seeing I don't get bogged down as much in BB's tar pit. I might even try some PBTS tonight.
