What would happen if when BB was in the middle of one of her negative rants you just told her "Quit whining you miserable cow". Much in the same fasion MJ called her H a fastidious prick. I am guessing she would up the ante which is why it is something you would shy away from doing, but in some ways I see it as a simpler solution to a) blowing it off or b) gently correcting her. The one thing about this is that it is HONEST. It is an honest expression of your feelings when she starts being negative. It also doesn't invalidate her opinion it just shows her that expressing it comes off negative and whiny.
Just my 2 cents
Fran
p.s. you asked me about why we don't have a/c here. It's mostly because there just aren't that many really hot months in the year. Most of the housing stock is Victorian so the houses are solid brick and have high ceilings which means they stay reasonably cool in the summer. It's just when the temperatures soar up into the high 80s or even 90s (celsius) that it gets unbearable. But like I say it is rare. Also I still haven't dug out a bill to let you know the price of power per KW/h but I'll bet it's at least twice what you guys pay. All our energy costs are much higher here.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Re Fran What would happen if when BB was in the middle of one of her negative rants I have asked she not be negative so often and please try to look for some good in things several times. What has happened so far was BB said I can't tell her how she should feel so Don't try.
She also did a flip and said she was never going to talk about anything in a negative way or something like that. One case was, if the bread was moldy, she wouldn't mention it.
"Quit whining you miserable cow". Wow, I don't think I would use words like that. I guess I had too many sensitivity training lessons, about women's weight and how they look. That word "cow" can get a guy in some serious trouble and rather than motivate the OP to do something, really makes the person that said "cow" look bad.
Fran I am not judging your intent, so don't take what I say as being critical of the word choice. I agree with your intentions, the "quit whining" part.
It also doesn't invalidate her opinion BB thinks I am trying to invalidate her opinion so to her it does.
Sunday, I kind of let BB say what she wanted w/o saying anything. It became somewhat resentful till I decided to do my own thing and go to my cave (work area in my shop). I know being away from BB and ignoring her doesn't build much of a R, but I didn't feel like interacting with her and some of her preferences that I find too restricting or opinionated.
At times I am better able to ignore the comments BB makes. sometimes it doesn't work out that way.
(About me and not hitting below the belt/fighting dirty) I had to repossess a car for non-payment. I found the car at school. The guy's kid drove it there. I got in the car with the spare key and claimed the car but I gave the kid a ride home.
Using the word cow would be fighting dirty, just like taking the car and not getting the kid home would bother me.
Most of the housing stock is Victorian so the houses are solid brick and have high ceilings I am originally from the Philadelphia Pennsylvania area. Lots of old brick and stone houses with high ceilings.
In Montana, some years we have a week of air-conditioning weather, other years the A/C is on for over a month.
Part of our saving grace is the humidity is low. sometimes humidity is a bigger factor than the actual temperature.
Local temps 98f/36.6c days, 65f/18.3c nights, with 24% humidity. Add a 10 mph / 17 km/h breeze and it is kind of nice right now.
About your feelings alone in the boat, I have experienced something like that. Just wanted you to know that you have my empathy and a lot of this stuff is not gender specific. People are people more than they are male or female.
You do realize I hope that when BB is being so negative...that you can look at her and tell her that it wears you out to listen to her negativity all the time and well...simply, flat-out tell her....you choose not to listen to it at that time. Then let her own her own reaction to that. Remove yourself from the situation for awhile, go do something else.
Asking her not to be so negative isn't going to work with her obviously. However changing your reaction to her negativity...that you DO have control over, stop listening to it. Sure, if you tell her what I suggested it's going to piss her off....but you need to let her own her own reaction and emotions.
Is the statement true? Does it tire you to listen to constant negativity? Do you want to continue to listen to it? Do you want to continue to try to get her to see how things aren't the way she keeps portraying them (when that hasn't worked for you in the past)?
Well...if the statement is true "I don't wish to listen to your constant negativity, it wears me out." then say so....and leave her to deal with her own reactions and emotions from it. Don't tell her how to fix it so she doesn't come across that way, she needs to figure that out (which BTW she won't do, as long as she has you for her sounding board.)
I'm sure she's even going to get you to buy that you are invalidating her opinion...don't pick up that rope. You aren't invalidating anything, what you are refusing to do is participate in something that is exhausting for you. It has nothing to do with one's opinion. If she feels you are invalidating her opinion....let her deal with that, don't pick up that rope. Validate her in other ways throughout the day....like for example, when I was telling you that you told her something she did was "Ok", but not that you were "Proud" or whatever that was (sorry I forgot). If you will validate her, without holding back, and show her you are proud of her achievements...or proud of the woman she is (in whatever way)....and refuse to pick up the negativity rope, you will see behavioral changes. They won't be instant, but they will happen.
Just my 2-cents. Honestly Lou, it's that kind of honesty and owning my own reactions/behaviors....and NOT rescuing my H from his reactions/behaviors that has helped us the most.
Duh! sorry HG I'd already converted it in my head to farenheit and then put celsius in afterward. Why can't you guys just talk in metric like the rest of us. You do realise that the pounds/ounces/miles/farenheit system is a hangover from your colonial past and you would be confirming your independence from the British Empire by switching to metric.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Well...if the statement is true "I don't wish to listen to your constant negativity, it wears me out." then say so....and leave her to deal with her own reactions and emotions from it.
This is exactly right. I was putting it in more colourful terms by saying "quit whining you miserable cow" and just really using that language both as a parallel to what Mojo said to her H and as a reflection of how much is p!isses you off to hear her all the time. In other words saying something like that would be an HONEST reflection of your feelings about it.
GEL has it right though, without being disrespectful you can tell her that you don't wish to listen because it wears you out. Then walk away so that the action matches the words. Just walking away on it's own plainly isn't getting through - telling her why you are walking away and then doing it might.
Fran
BTW: in Brit-speak cow is a very mild term of abuse to a female, girlfriends say it to each other all the time as in "you mad cow", it may be stronger in the US
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
RE GEL However changing your reaction to her negativity...that you DO have control over, stop listening to it.....Remove yourself from the situation for awhile, go do something else Cave time, working at the customer's site instead of bringing them back to the shop. I do that.
Don't tell her how to fix it so she doesn't come across that way, she needs to figure that out (which BTW she won't do, as long as she has you for her sounding board.) Got that and see where trying to be helpful wasn't working. I am seeing some examples that Schnarch did with the biracial couple W was advised to do, to not rescue her H is OK and preferable.
it's that kind of honesty and owning my own reactions/behaviors....and NOT rescuing my H from his reactions/behaviors that has helped us the most. I am happy to hear it is working for you. I try to take my advice from someone that has had successes and has been in the trenches.
Lou: BB thinks I am trying to invalidate her opinion so to her it does.
Even if she thinks you are trying to invalidate her opinion, you are not. She is not the Creator of Reality. She is mistaken. What you say/believe does not invalidate her.
GEL has a point. I've found myself "shutting down" totally. Walking away a few steps at least, changing topics, ANYTHING to get the negativity to stop. It does. If the topic needs further addressing, pick up a positive approach, "What if we do XYZ" type thing and totally forget the other input. Sometimes things end in a smile atleast.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
RE Hap Why can't you guys just talk in metric like the rest of us. Fran, I think about our non-US readers when I post. I don't always do the conversions.
Most of the cars and trucks parts are stated in metric. All of the food items have a metric weight or volume printed on the label along with the US/hangover from the colonial past.
Some of the speed signs had KPH and MPH (as do the car's speed indicator/speedometer) on them but the KPH/MPH speed limit signs were removed.
When I rebuild toner cartridges, I use grams instead of ounces. I am half way there.
Should I have a pint of iced tea for lunch or 1/2L? Oh, that is right, I hear iced tea is not popular in the UK. Leave it to the colonies to mess up a good thing. I have seen the High-Tea gatherings on TV. History of English High Tea, 2004 by Linda Stradley
GEL has it right though, without being disrespectful you can tell her that you don't wish to listen because it wears you out Good point and way to express it.
Just walking away on it's own plainly isn't getting through I suppose BB sees me walking away as me being moody, and not so much as I want to escape some of her very opinionated talk.
BTW: in Brit-speak cow is a very mild term of abuse to a female, girlfriends say it to each other all the time as in "you mad cow", it may be stronger in the US It is stronger in the U.S. It's almost like saying a woman is fat, not very intelligent, property, mostly good for what she can do for someone else, in it's worst usage.
I couldn't say "morning love" to my female neighbors w/o someone thinking I am in love/lust with them and they might be offended too. It is definitely a no-no if a man says it to a woman.
girlfriends say it to each other all the time as in "you mad cow", Maybe this is different, but in some motorcycle groups where couples ride double, it is sort of expected the man introduce his W as his b!tch. If a motorcycle has two places on it, the back spot is referred to as the b!tch spot. Some women object to the term. Some women seem to want to be called "the b!tch" or they don't feel like they are part of the "biker" group. I think the ones that like it, want the name so they feel tougher, stronger, and accepted by the group.
It's common for some guys to ride in a pick-up truck on the passenger's side and call that spot "riding shot-gun."
Another recent thing is for some of the younger people to say "Oh shut up" which now means "that is difficult to believe or that is news" or is said instead of the common come back "really." It used to used when someone was annoying another person. FWIW from a different age or cultural POV.
