Lou, I woke up fretting about my post. I appreciate your thoughtful reply to my outrageousness...
What got me thinking along these lines is the comment that GEL made about her Dad. She said he makes these "helpful" comments because he has alternative ways that he thinks she and her mom should be doing things. GEL and Mom have their own way, and their way seems fine to them, so they basically ignore him. But he keeps doing it anyway.
Something you wrote makes me want to clarify something I said
Quote: Thinking about stopping what I do/want, boy that is difficult. If I stopped having boundaries or allowed BB to do what ever she wanted to do/think/say, I might just as well be single.
and this
Quote: So, it's a, live and let live thing. I go along with most of what BB says on the outside, basically ignore her comments internally about other people and countries, traffic, people supposedly not respecting her, and think of what she talks about as verbalized emotional venting, something like it was a therapy process for BB IE a pill (Prozac?) she makes for herself with words.
We're talking about two different things here, and you've kind of lumped them together... but I think this some place where you really need to do some soul-searching.
I hope I can sort this out in my mind and express myself clearly... here goes: BB does things that are annoying. This I grant. She has opinions that are not carefully thought out, she has prejudices, she is judgmental of people, she is a picky eater. There are a whole raft of irritating character traits and bad habits. These are things that she does that are irritating to you, but are mostly about the outside world.
SOME of them have to do directly with the marriage, i.e., her pickiness about being touched when it's too hot, pouring affection out on the dogs instead of you, saying she's too old for sex, applying pressure for you to get rid of your computer equipment. Okay.
Both kinds of things (i.e., her general pickiness about the world, and her directing that pickiness at you) come out of her personality. IOW there doesn't seem to be any malice in her that she is expressing with her pickiness. It's really a bad habit.
Above I quoted you as saying: If I "allowed BB to do what ever she wanted to do/think/say"... Lou, you have no choice but to ALLOW her to do/think/say whatever she wants. Do you see that? Correcting her does not CHANGE her behavior. You concluded that statement: "then I might as well be single."
Hidden in that statement seems to be the assumption that because you are married, it is your RIGHT, possibly even your OBLIGATION to correct her and NOT allow her to do/think/say whatever she wants. GEL's Dad probably has the same assumption, that as the father of the family, he has an obligation to correct his wife and daughter and set them straight on things that he THINKS he knows more about. In some cases, maybe he does... maybe he stops GEL when she tries to put motor oil in her gas tank... but I'll bet most of the time, the corrections are more like the ways you correct BB, i.e., POINTING OUT the illogic in her statements, POINTING OUT that her feelings (e.g. that people "disrespect" her) are invalid, POINTING OUT that she's fickle (e.g., about giving people a chance at church).
Now, the other set of behaviors, the ones that have directly to do with you, like saying she's too old for sex, and following up that statement with refusal to have sex... okay, THIS is the area where you can draw some boundaries. And you have in the past. And if I recall correctly, they've WORKED, in a limited way. When you have moved out of the bedroom, she has come around, if only briefly. In THESE areas, you can change your BEHAVIOR in response to her BEHAVIOR and things happen-- like with the Dog Whisperer.
But to spend your time verbally correcting her on her political views, style of interacting with others, grating comments-- do you see that you really have no RIGHT to correct her in these areas? These things don't have anything to do with you-- unless she's actively calling YOU names.
And my point about other relationships-- and I think you got my point-- everyone will do something to annoy the snot out of you eventually. And you can either spend your life correcting them in vain, leave, or get over it.
This does not give BB license to reject your affection, but it does TAKE AWAY YOUR license to police her everyday speech, activities, lack of friends, churchgoing, etc. Why waste the energy trying to correct her, to educate her, to raise her, to bring her up when it doesn't do any good? You're making YOURSELF crazy.
If you truly have so little respect for her that you think she needs this much correcting in areas that don't directly affect you (like churchgoing), the Lou, it's insulting and demeaning for you to live with her, feeling the way you do.
If you could just TRY (and I'm not saying it will be easy) to focus on traits of hers that you admire-- and I'm sure you can find a few-- and blow off, yes ignore, the blather, the rambling, the complaints, and on top of that, do set some BEHAVIOR boundaries in the intimacy area, YOU might feel a lot better. I don't think you will change her. THAT is a cheeseless tunnel. But YOU might feel better. You seem to me like a man in chains. You've given her the key to those chains. Let go of your Identity System's requirement that she be a broad-minded, tolerant, well-read, logical conversationalist. It ain't gonna happen. Surely there is SOMETHING about her you still love?
