Re Lil Suppose YOU are just a nit-picky person and no matter who you were married to OK, I am supposing.
Putting aside the issue of sex for the moment (because you might be thinking, "If I was getting boinked every night, I wouldn't care about her other obnoxious qualities." Hmmm.. maybe or maybe not.) Some good sex would help not to think about the picky part. and maybe it wouldn't all that much in the long run.
But just WHAT IF it's YOU! What if YOU would be Mr. Fix-It with any partner...What if you are the kind of guy who just HAS to fix people? If they need a lot of fixing (IRL it's more like a lack of common interests and values) I don't spend much time with them.
What If it's YOU who's picky If I would be less picky, I think I would be a somewhat spineless person. At one place of employment I actually went along with the majority and it bit me in the a$$ over time. But I can visualize being less picky for an experiment.
If it's YOU who's picky Another thing is being more flexible, tolerant of some non-ethical choices. That POV/mindset I have been intellectualizing.
When I do it around BB, I feel like it encourages her to gradually think her way is the way to do more and more things. I have let things roll off my back, not commented or replied to some ideas of BB till I wanted to not be around her for several hours/days.
I try to be up beat, go along with BB's ideas or at least not react. In some small way, the more I don't react to BB's version of how things are, the less I want to be around her.
do you see how that puts ALL the power in your hands and how it matters NOT ONE BIT whether your partner ever responds to your suggestions for improvement? Sorry, no I don't.
If I don't react to something that is not what I consider part of my life style, I have to listen to how bad men treat women, how people are not as good a friends as pets are, what do I get out of that type of R?
Like Paul I see myself as a 1/3dr partner in an R. I don't mean I only have 1/3rd power, I mean that is what I feel BB wants to contribute 1/3rd on human terms.
I see the power in your suggestion Lil, if I ignore what I disagree with. I see power if I don't depend on BB for most of the 5LL things. I see power if I do my own things and do like alt-dave did, and farm out some of the things I want need from human interactions, to outside activities and keep the M with BB for social/financial reasons, and depend less on our R for what it once brought both of us.
Having had multiple partners, I can tell you that they ALL bug you in one way or another. I assumed that in your case, and especially my virtual, what if case. When things were the worst, I estimated about a 5% chance of ever meeting Ms. right if we split. I have few delusions this R stuff is easy.
I watch how people interact and try to spot traits that show signs of compatibility between men and women. I guess I don't see enough to be a match maker.
If it's ALL you, and you would be the same with ANY woman, then you can make the decision to STOP right now! Thinking about stopping what I do/want, boy that is difficult. If I stopped having boundaries or allowed BB to do what ever she wanted to do/think/say, I might just as well be single. I don't think I am really asking for that much.
Today I let most of BB's comments just pass. What do I feel at the end of the day? Draind.
What do you think? Can you wrap your mind around this possibility without wanting to whack ME with a large feather pillow? Well Li, first off I am not in a wacking mood and don't see why I should be, especially with you or any other forum friends.
If I wrap my mind around most of what ever BB believes or says and make believe it is fine or OK, it's her opinion, I can do that but will lose some respect, closeness, or emotional attachment for her.
After just going along with what ever, I retreat from the R because there is only so many grating comments I feel like hearing in a day, then I withdraw if I don't want to say anything back to BB about what she talked about.
I know withdrawing doesn't help the R and I feel like a poor H some times but I have my limits as to what I can hear, but don't agree with.
I see relationships as a place to give and get, to support and be supported. I don't see much of that happening some days. I see lots of obligation keeping us together.
I will try this again What if you are the kind of guy who just HAS to fix people.....If you can get past the sheer annoyance of such a thought .....do you see how liberating this might be? So, it's a, live and let live thing. I go along with most of what BB says on the outside, basically ignore her comments internally about other people and countries, traffic, people supposedly not respecting her, and think of what she talks about as verbalized emotional venting, something like it was a therapy process for BB IE a pill (Prozac?) she makes for herself with words.
I suppose it might help. I can say, I would like to see some results and there is the difficult part for me.
Here is where I need to say, I can't change anyone else. I can change how I react to someone or some situations.
So, I am not getting much from this R, I don't give the right gifts, I am using some currency that sometimes gets discounted. I still can buy things. I still have a job but do some work that doesn't pass inspection. Some of the things I want are in short supply and often out of stock with a long waiting list. I am not starving or out in the cold. Have enough to celebrate some holidays. So what am I frustrated about?
Lil, I hope I read some of your ideas for what you intended them to mean.
