Re Paul Why can't we just be colleagues?" She has hinted that she feels something like this and that she refrains from telling me some of her innermost feelings because she is afraid she might hurt me. In a sense I agree. I don't want her to tell me that she does not love me. So what if she is she "loves you but is not in love with you" right now, in the past or for some time period in the future.
You still have emotional needs and wants, and I assume she does too. How are hers being met. Are/is work, work friends, parents a substitute for meeting her needs. Ask her. It is tough to do believe me.
to counter her claim about not wanting to go to a C, read this web site and fill out these forms No cost and she doesn't have to talk to anyone.
Here is a poster's advice from MarriageBuilders.com
MB=MarriageBuilders
LB=Love busters take Love units (LU) from a Love Bank (LB)?
Quote: We all tend to think that if we love each other, we will just 'know' how to meet each other's needs. Or that is our spouse really loved us, they would know. However often we miss more than we realize...it takes good communication and feedback to really understand what lights the other up, and it takes practice to make doing those things a solid habit.
Learning to meet each others needs and work together to maintain romantic love takes a little work. MB has a very good plan that you and your spouse can use to re-create (or to safeguard) romantic love. Here are some guidelines to getting started:
Then go to the Questionnaires.. Marriage Builders® Forms and Questionnaires click on the left side of the page. Print out the LoveBuster(LB) and Emotional Needs (EN)Q'aires. You should usually start with LBs. (A common mistake is to say "we don't really fight much, we'll just skip the LB questionnaire". But, LBs come in more than one form. And, meeting emotional needs without stopping the LBs first is kind of like pouring water into a bucket with a hole in the bottom.)
Each of you fill out the LB q'aire, and then share your answers. Set some ground rules first...that you will not interrupt each other, except to ask clarifying questions. That you won't argue back & forth...this is your spouse sharing their perceptions. Remember that this is NOT meant to be criticism, but a sharing of info that each spouse/partner needs to know to stop habits that drain good feelings (like spending hours online, yelling, or what have you). Start by working together to eliminate LBs...spend a week or two on that. You may have to help each other recognize when they are LBing at first; that is OK (just do it without LBing yourself ).
The next step is to fill out the EN q'aire and share that...again, without getting angry or defensive...you are simply sharing info on how your spouse/partner can help you be more in love. After you have shared the info, pick the top 3 ENs for each person, and develop an agreement to meet them (or at least move closer to meeting them, if you cannot fully meet them right now) in VERY SPECIFIC ways (i.e., not "show me more affection" but "hug me each day before you leave and when you get home"; not "act more interested in sex" but "have sex x times a week, and initiate one or more of those times").
Use the POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement) to negotiate where there are big gaps.
After a week or two, give each other some feedback and fine tune the plans as needed. It takes some time and some feedback to learn new habits. Over time, you will both begin to meet each other's needs better, and build compatibility and love.
It may sound a bit mechanical, but it truly helps you both build a solid habit of the kind of behavior that feeds romantic love, and teaches both partners to demonstrate their care for the other in a way that makes the partner FEEL loved.
Finally, a word on what to do if your spouse is too emotionally withdrawn to participate in the plan. Work on yourself first. Ask if he/she will fill out the questionnaires so that you can improve. If not, go thru them and try to guess what your partner might say. Work on eliminating your own LBs first, and try to meet the ENs that the withdrawn partner will allow you to. The goal is NOT to do this all by yourself...no one can do that for long without draining their own lovebank. The goal is to get the ball rolling, demonstrate to your partner that maybe the marriage IS worth participating, and then get them to join you in MBing together.
Good luck!!!
Kathi
Paul, I know your situation is different, but I still think there are many biological similarities in your M as in most Ms, cultural differences aside. But don't let the cultural differences be a roadblock unnecessarily. Don't let cultural differences dictate and rule what you do or don't do. I think love is love and the need and place for love and affection is fairly universal. What did people do 10,000 years ago? I think lots of those instincts are still with us.
The down side is, I wasn't around 10,000 years ago, so I don't have the answers. I still subscribe to biology
One last thought, if your W wants to be so Japanese, ask her to go to to a "Love Hotel" with you for some fun. That was just some words to humor you and letting you know I am behind you.
I am pasting another reply here instead of on the book thread.
Re: Paul is my quest for improved communication and increased sharing of common interests so foreign to her that I should abandon my efforts on these issues?
I wouldn't abandon my wants, needs, and don't be afraid to break a few eggshells along the way.
I don't know why so many Christians are so up in arms about
Paul, My thing is I don't think we are supposed to know some of these things. The way I hear/see about some great discoveries, 10-20 years from now or when they are discovered, the holes start to show up in the hype.
My personal opinion is, these revelations are not important, the big picture is. It's how we treat other people along the lines of the "golden rule."
They are less spontaneous and demonstrative in public (though not in the home!)
so???? You want to sleep with her at home. What is so different about that? That is not in public.
Thought not at home shoots down some of her reasons for the distance between you two.
Paul, does your W go for a man's looks, physical charismatics, in a big way, some thing like a guy looking at a swimsuit model?
I know you said you wanted to be fitter and lose some weight. How is that going? It weight or condition an issue with you or for your W?
I am 6"3" and weigh 265 and I went to a few weight reduction meetings TOPS® (Take Off Pounds Sensibly) Some of the people there have kept the weight off for a long time. It is just a thought Paul.
I saw a web post about breath freshness. The guy was usinf 2%hydrogenperoxide and an equal amount of water for an oral rince.
