Paul & GEL- when I made the comment about Japan being a family-oriented (excuse the pun) culture, I wasn't thinking of Mrs Paul's distance from Paul, I was thinking of her willingness to be away from M & K so much... THAT seemed odd to me in what I imagined was the Japanese value system.
Quote: Women are as a rule very dedicated to their children, but no more than good parents here.
Mrs Paul seems a whole lot LESS devoted to the children that the average "good enough" parent here.
I mean, people on this board sometimes complain that the spouse (usually the W) puts the kids way ahead of the H, but Mrs. Paul seems to put herself way ahead of everyone, kids included.
W is in many ways an atypical Japanese. I can tell you that my kids run to greet me when I get home; they don't run to greet mom, even when she comes home from a several day trip. That's in part because she's in a foul mood so much of the time. I actually talk to them.
Odd thing is she is totally into watching Japanese romantic dramas. Her favorites are the ones about samurai warriors (W is descended from samurai) and their significant others. I don't know what they are talking about, but I can see the eyes. If I really wanted to get her attention I could unplug TV Japan. But I'm not that kind of person.
She leaves her wealthy and priviledged family in Japan and then complains that she is neither wealthy nor priviledged here.
Paul, i just read your situation, seems like we have some similiarities. (my wife is a waw, asian, and we have one son). Let me know if you would like to talk, perhaps we might gain some insight from each others situation. -Kalas
I read your posts. It's wonderful that you are having a good time bonding with your S4. I wouldn't give up my time with my kids for anything, even when they push me to the brink! The fact that your W is Asian doesn't seem to have a big bearing on your sitch, or am I wrong?
I've been thinking the signs point to MLC..... Running home to parents, leaving son and I, indecision, etc. Anyway, I hope everything works out in your situation.
ah more polarized FOO M's. M&K dad, do you know why your W fell in love with you? Are you the same guy now that you were in the beginning of the R? More specifically has how you deal with her changed?
I feel for you big time. It seems like you were really blindsided. I know my W sees my desire to seek professional help as a sign of weakness. I of course do not agree. If you don't seek professional help when you have a sharp pain in the abdomen, then all your troubles may in fact cease, as will you. It has taken me years to come to the conclusion that professional help is appropriate. And it's not to find someone who will order W to have sex with me (W may fear that's what I have in mind.) I think she defines weakness as my inability to follow her instructions, however unclear they may be.
I think I have changed. I just don't care to try to change her. My Bday is coming up and I asked her to come to a concert with me. Of course she gave excuse after excuse. This is a ballet performance, and she raved about this company when we (whole family) saw them last year. So I can't win for losing.
Yes, she turned 40 this year, but her behavior has been consistent for at least 6 years.
Good question about why she fell in love with me. I don't think she ever did. So why did she marry me? In fact it was she who insisted we marry and she who insisted we have children. Yes, I had the same latent desires, but she brought them to the surface.
How have I changed? We both have careers now; before we were as poor as churchmice. We still have a few relics from our thrift store shopping days. I am heavier now, and much more conservative in outlook. Regarding my relationship w/ W, I am somewhat less clueless. If I do something I can be fairly sure of the consequences. I know how not to pi$$ her off, but not how to please her.
Thanks for asking. I'll be thinking about that for a while.
Paul: Go to the ballet. Buy two tickets so she can come along if she chooses. Have a backup plan, however...perhaps a co-worker or friend, someone to whom you owe a favor, supermodel girlfriend, etc.
You know, I was thinking last night about how, when you withdrew, she seemed happier. Sometimes, when I think I am withdrawing, I will go through a thought process something like this: "I feel like touching her. Wait...she has been so distant/crabby/whatever to me lately, that she doesn't really deserve my affection, so I won't touch her. That'll teach her to be nicer/more affectionate/whatever to me." The thing is, as a physical touch love language guy, this type of treatment for being naughty would indeed work on me--if she stopped being physically affectionate with me as a consequence of my being crabby towards her, I'd immediately notice it, and would possibly be less crabby.
But my wife's love language is not physical affection. Me withdrawing my PA from her has little or no affect...it may even have a positive effect on her. I'm still not sure what her primary LL is, quality time, acts of service maybe. Of course, withdrawing either of those from my W leads to more conflict, not less, but that's because of the person she is.
Your W seems to thrive on gifts, or their equivalent, money spent to benefit her. Something to think about.
Hairdog, who notes that KC's minor league team, the T-Bones, is much more entertaining than the Royals.
Regarding why did your W insist on you two marrying...hmmmm. That brings to mind something else that my friends GF has said (once again, she's Chinese not Japanese...so I don't know how much difference in culture there may be). During a conversation she and I once had about relationships & culture....she once said that basically the way she was raised that there was an expectation that the daughters marry by a certain age....otherwise they were considered spinsters and a burden on their family. Is it possible....just possible, that your W was trying to fulfill a family "obligation"?
That sounds so cold to me as I write it, but I do know that there are many cultures who simply don't equate love into marriage...it's a bonus if it's there, but it's not necessary. The Chinese culture is one of those cultures....sure they are often allowed to marry now if they happen to fall in love and it's agreeable to the families, but not always. Is the Japanese culture similar that way?
