I haven't posted in a while, but not because all is rosy. Just came off a dreadful trip to inlaws' place in Japan. W was as cold and distant as ever. At some point, I decided to begin to protect myself - I would call a strike. I would continue to do my duty as a husband, but that's it. i would not respond to W's unreasaonable demands, and I would not volunteer any of my thoughts beside what is necessary.
Here'e the punchline: W did not notice any difference! In fact she seemed happier. Not surprising in a way. She finds many of my random musings quite irritating.
It blew up today when she decided to seek a new house to buy. Those of you who have followed my exploits know that this is a recurring theme with her. Finally I told her that there is no sense in our looking at bigger houses when our marriage has so many larger issues (this was a phone call; she hung up.)
Over the years some changes have taken place in me. It used to be that the thought of W remarrying was completely horrifying; less so now. I worry about her less than I used to. I am not looking for a divorce, but I realize that it is a possible outcome. If it weren't for the kids, divorce proceedings would have begun by now.
RE mandksdad It blew up today when she decided to seek a new house to buy. Did you say she had to pay for it?
Telling someone they are unreasonable <my assumption> doesn't work very well. Letting them know you will not be a part of it is all you can do sometimes.
Paul. From what you write, your W seems very independent, almost too independent for one person. Do other people she knows <just guessing> some how support her or encourage her.
Some of the things you wrote about sound like she has another life away from home, real or an imaginary one.
It used to be that the thought of W remarrying was completely horrifying; less so now BTDT Paul.
If your son was 25 and came to you and said "dad, this is what is going on" what would advise him to do?
Thanks for the response. If she had to pay for it by herself, it wouldn't happen.
Here is her plan: she, a flight attendant, wants to relocate to Japan so that she will have more desirable flying lines. However, she would be home even more rarely than she is now. Remember my screen name - we have kids ages 6 and 8.
Yes, she is very independent. I am sick and tired of always being the one to stand in the way of her, often goofy, schemes. I'm the one trying to keep our current standard of living. The house she is looking at costs four times what we paid for our current house 7 years ago.
I know how it feels to withdraw from your partner and/or marriage only to find your partner seems happier, more friendly even. Of course they do, the pressure is off and they are free to go on about their lives as they prefer to do without their pesky spouse pressuring them for love, sex, affection whatever... Sometimes our very presence is too much pressure. I have come to view these times of withdrawal as "mini vacations" which will allow me time to get myself together for the next bout of less pleasant times. I'm sorry that you are looking at D as a likely/potential outcome. Hopefully, it doesn't have to be that way. Have you two attempted counseling? Have you talked with a DB counselor? Might be worth a try.
I agree with you, Paul....your W is far too detached from you and YOUR family. At least that's how it appears to me.
I realize there are certain behavioral differences among cultures....which could play some part in your W's detachment, but some of her behavior simply isn't adding up. Just out of curiosity...do you have any idea what she does when she's not around....due to flights/layovers?
Hey Paul, I've been wondering how you've been doing. I totally agree with what Karen said about how, when we withdraw, the spouse seems happier.
Frankly, I think you should go house shopping too, but look for smaller, less expensive ones than the one you're in now. You know, something that a single flight attendant might be able to afford on her salary. Woman needs a dose of reality if you ask me.
Sorry to hear you're going through this. Manly hugs to you, ol' buddy.
I could very well be wrong, but from what I remember hearing in reference to "family" as far as...and this is just what I remember hearing, not fact of course. But I remember people referring to revering parents, an devoting to children...you rarely hear about spouses.
I have a friend who has a Chinese gf (I know different culture) but from what she has relayed to me...even in their culture people can somewhat detach themselves emotionally to focus on what they find important. Take my friends gf for example. They must be apart for approx 2 years while she finishes her education. They met not long before she had to leave the country (he lives in the UK, they met there)...she came here to the states to finish her education. She told him without any qualms that while she was gone he should find someone he could have sex with so his needs were met. Very matter of fact. Now my friend knows he can't do that an maintain his feelings for her as they are now. She however in their conversations seems to expect that he can do this....kind of put their R on pause, and then resume things just as they were when she left when she returns. She explained that it's not uncommon in her culture to find a "sex surrogate" of sorts...to make sure the man's "needs" are met. But she was ok with that because she said she'd be focusing on finishing her education and since she couldn't be there to take care of those needs, in her mind she was taking care of them by telling him he should seek someone else out.
Now here in the US....that's simply not an option, we wouldn't go for that. She matter-of-factly believed he should do this....but the thing that I think bothered him most is that she stated it in such an unemotional manner, very detached.
If I believe what she says, which I have no reason not to...she's doing her duty....in a way. Now, other than that she does dote on him hand and foot, no question...and she's a sweet girl, but she can appear emotionally detached in the drop of a hat.
GEL
PS....personally, I think there's more going on that has Pauls W detaching the way she is. I'm not sure it's cultural.
I sometimes suggest counselling to W. Once I suggested a Marriage Encounter weekend to W and her answer was, "What and spend a weekend with other couples in trouble?" We did see a Japanese counsellor once, but she has since retired.
GEL, regarding the cultural thing: I do know that the ideal Japanese husband is confident and in control - W admits that one of the reasons she came to the US is that she probably couldn't handle one of them. I am trying to do a bit less whining. I would love to talk to Japanese people or to people married to Japanese about the things we talk about here, but the forums I have found on the internet are not that informative, and it's not something easily brought up in live conversation.
Yes, so I'm still stuck. But I was pretty happy for the 4 weeks she was gone before I went back to Japan with her. I'm tempted to let her transfer to Japan. I'm just amazed that she would consider such a move, given how much time it would take her away from the kids and me.
Harry, I thought of you while my Sox were battling the Royals last night. That fountain looks sooooooo inviting!
Lillie, I was under the exact same impression. GEL is right. There is more reverence for the parents there. A woman basically leaves her family and joins the husband's family. Women are as a rule very dedicated to their children, but no more than good parents here. The Japanese family is a battleground where dramatic scenes are played out daily. My W's family was split in two by a blood feud so bad that one side can't even attend the other side's funerals. Yea, family is a big thing there. I think the example of the Chinese gf is illustrative of the ability to put up with stuff, although that doesn't explain my W's behavior. What does she do on her layovers? She says everything is kosher, and it wouldn't surprise me if it were.
I wish I had more to say about strides we have made in the now two years I have been posting here; but it's a lot of the same ol' sh!t. Only I'm getting older and restless. My kids are getting older too, and yes, they still sleep with W. If anything good comes from my suffering, PLEASE DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. Let your kids sleep in their own damm beds.
