Open mouth, insert foot on the sibling issue, lol.
On the concern about finances, not to bring up a dark subject for any other reason than to help you qualm your fears but the Former Spouses Relief Act of 1992 will ensure that you are WELL taken care of in the event of a D. Believe me, in this day and age, the woman usually comes out waaaay ahead in the money dept during a military D and I know because I went through it. If you don't believe me, get a free consult with a family law attorny for the facts.
DISCLAIMER: Not endorsing divorce (wouldn't be here if I did) but with your financial fears, it would be reassuring to know the facts. RonJon
Are you sure about that? I looked into it a little and found guidelines that said the dependent spouse was entitled to a small percentage of the base pay and the diff between BAH and BAH w/ dependents. That would come out to be less than half of what H sends now. Of course he has lots of nice allowances on his ship right now.
I think I will do the free consult thing. Not because I'm ready to file, but because if I would be entitled to more, it might help with the fear issue.
I would just like to know what decision I would really make if fear was taken out of it.
Regarding fear Optimist: I know how you feel in a way, because not only have I been there, but I feel my fears bubbling up to the surface everyday single day still...It literally is a battle between me and my fears and many times fear does win because it can be so powerful and primal, but guess what it only wins if I feed it. If I walk away from fear and distract myself from focusing on it by DOING things that make me fearful, I actually do come out on the other side calmer and stronger.
Don't feed your fears. Maybe buy some self-help books on fear. I've found doing your own (honest) work on yourself is sometimes helpful. But if you are going to look for a therapist, find one who deals with cognitive-behavioral therapy.
One of the techniques I was taught was to write down all your fears on a piece of paper and then analyse what you write in 2 columns. One column what the is the fear...i.e. I might die someday—then examine that and Second column, "Yeah, but we all die, so that's legite, but life goes on."
First column:"Well, what if I didn't have money to eat? examine that in second column: "That's not true for today, has NEVER been true ever. And it's not based on reality because it's a "what if".' If it hasn't happened yet, it doesn't deserve your fear and anxiety.
I'm sure I'm not doing that great of a job explaining all this...search for a book on conquering your fears. I'm sure they are out there.
Hang in there. And remember that fear is a foe, not a friend. And love yourself, so that yourself will know that no matter what, YOU will always be there for YOU!
And don't let all your troubles overwhelm you. One day at a time, and don't make up troubles yet. Don't predict doom and gloom scenarios. Gosh, I did this ALL THE TIME in my R with bf (who I'm trying to get back by DBing...) and guess what eventually my FEARS drove him away. FEAR is death, LOVE is life...:)
Rainbow
Courage is not the absence of fear, but facing your fears...now I wish I can always take my own advice! >
I made quick work of finding a therapist. That's because there is only one within 100 mile radius that takes my insurance, and she is only in town on Wednesdays. So I have an appointment today at 10:00am.
Thanks for being honest about your fear. I would like to just get rid of mine, but didn't think it was possible. And it sounds like it isn't from your post. That is much of my issue with passed disappointment with therapy. I'm looking for a permanent solution, and there are none. Everything is a constant battle. Just saying that makes me feel tired and ready to give up! My life is already three or four constant battles-trying to effect change in my R with H, trying to be a reasonably good single parent to S4, trying to lose weight and get in shape, trying to focus and stay on task at work. Do I want to take on a new battle-against fear?
Well, that's just me feeling overwhelmed and hegative. I'm sure there is another way to look at that. That's what the therapist will tell me, I imagine. Besides unrealistic expectations, my problem with therapists is that I know the talk and I can tell them what they want to hear. I always get "you're a well-adjusted individual." And I'm left thinking, "then this is as good as it gets. Why do I even try to make things better?" I want them to say "you do A and B wrong. If you did them this way instead, you would be happy."
I do get what you were saying about writing your fears down in one column and analyzing the reality in the next. Unfortunately, the one about not having enough food to eat...I did get there in my college days. About being homeless...I felt threatened by it when I had to borrow from my mom repeatedly to make rent, but my friends and brother have been essentially homeless, and it scares me. Before S4, I wasn't afraid of those things. I would go off on new, impracticle adventures and get myself into trouble without thinking about it. And now that I have a child, and more money than I've ever had, I am scared, scared, scared by even the remote prospect of not being able to maintain his lifestyle.
Well, I need to get ready for work. Hopefully I can force myslef to get something done since I have that therapist appointment and a dental appointment today.
Also, the past is not indication of the future. Always remember that.
Save your money. Money has been a big anxiety for me in the past, and sometimes, the more I have, the more I feel I need. But guess what, it's all just fear. But once I access things calmly, the fear tends to get less noisy too.
I did say that fear was a battle for me, still is, but hey, I'm winning this war big time! Big time...so there's hope.
And yes, I grew up poor in a third-world country and now, I've quiet a bit in comparison. But if I listened to my fears and be afraid of being poor and helpless like I was in my childhood, it would be unbearable.
Also, here's a thought. Let go of saving R with H. SHIFT the focus to YOURSELF. Work through your fears and H will notice. Trust me on this. Please. I was in the exact place you are 2 years ago. And MY FEARS was what was causing my exH to be MORE FEARFUL. Also remember that FEAR is contagious. You pass it on. So if not for anyone else, do it for your S4 (sounds so cute!). Because if you do not contain your fears now, you will pass them on to your little boy.
My own mother passed on her fears to me. That's what I got in my legacy from her: fear, worry, anxiety, and anger... I'll be damned if I pass that on to my child. That's what ultimately motivates me to overcome my fears. When I have kids someday, I don't want to have to tell them, "Mommy didn't do that, because she was afraid." Fear breeds fear Optimist.
Take care. And write down your thoughts on a piece of paper before you see your therapist and keep it in your hands when you enter their room. Then state your goals and "let go"... No one is here to judge you. Let go darling.
I just wanted to comment on this. I find myself constantly making decisions based on fear. I'm only starting to realize how destructive this is and I'm trying to address it, but my first step was to make myself some index cards which I've placed in the house & car that say, "THE FUTURE WILL BE BETTER THAN THE PAST."
It's corny, I know, but it's a constant reminder to me that I can decide my own future; my past cannot decide it, my fear cannot decide it, my husband cannot even decide it.
Financial fear is a biggie to me, too. I've worked in Finance & Accounting for 15 years, but my degree is in a completely unrelated Liberal Arts field. In the past 5 years every company has decided that experience doesn't matter, only the degree, so when H dropped the bomb I was panicked because I knew I was stuck in the job I have. So, I'm going back to school to get my Accounting degree. I start classes Nov. 28!!
You CAN decide your future, but rainbow is right, you need to focus on you! If you read my thread, you'll see proof positive that focusing on H will only make you crazy!
H-44 M-36 Married 6/7/03 8/17/06 - H not sure he wants to be married any more 8/17/06-present - Just crawling through the rubble that's left of my life 2/8/07 - H admitted affair
> 
Big time...so there's hope.
