Yeah, I know what you mean with that "releasing" thing, I'd imagine it's with older couples mostly. Remembering the younger days with the fire and the passion and thinking if we ever split what an explosion it would be but these things have a way of wearing a body down to the point where the arguments stop and the communication stops and just comfortable until going separate ways.
Wish I had some good advice or lesson learned to follow that up but can't think of anything at the moment. Let's just hope your H will have some sort of wake up call and realize he just needs to say he wants you at the next duty station to all be together.
Quote: 180 - take time off work and go visit him over the upcoming holidays.
is right!
First, let me say how glad I am to have someone in my corner who likes to come up with new 180 ideas, WCW!
Second, I have to say, just showing up on the quarter deck of his boat one day would go over as well as...as...I'm trying to think of the right saying here...but I can't. It would go over as well as a third bomb, I guess.
But, please, don't hesitate to keep sending the ideas!
Well, I guess it's getting time to start a new thread. But it won't be on the upbeat. Nothing new to report. Feeling pretty low tonight. My dad and stepmom were in town from CA this past weekend. I took today off to spend with them. They're gone now. Parting from relatives and friends is really hard these days. I'm just left feeling so alone. My dad started crying when he was saying goodbye. But I flat out refused. There's just too much pain in there to spring a leak. Got to maintain hull integrety! And I didn't want him to feel bad about leaving me alone. I've been doing this for a couple years now.
After they left I called up my mom and invited S4 and myself over for dinner. We just watched Harry Potter for the millionth time and ate whatever was in the fridge. She asked me if I'd heard from H recently and I briefly explained that after our small email discussion about his transfer, he only sent me a few emails, and I hadn't been quick to respond, so now I only get a one-liner every few days or an impersonal forward with no message from him, like I got tonight. He hasn't called, since, I don't remember when. Seriously, I think it might have been since I first moved into this house.
Then my mom just said, "I don't know, he doesn't seem to want to make any effort to maintain an R. I have to agree with J (my aunt) at this point." This was something different for my mom. Up until this point, she's really been hopeful that things would work out. She likes H a lot and even commented once, when things seemed to be going well, that she wished H had an older brother! But for her to agree with "J", my aunt, at this point, is depressing. My aunt has high standards for how people behave in relationships, and has always seemed perplexed and worried that I haven't moved on yet.
I have to say, it feels like a bad omen. I know what they think doesn't matter a fraction as much as what I think. Unfortunately, I think it is mostly my incredible fear of being alone and being financialy and other wise insecure, that keeps me from moving on. Yes, I do love H very much. He has many impressive qualities. But he seems unable to sustain a relationship. Yes, I am still IN love with him and he could still melt my insides when I saw him last. But, he just doesn't seem to be able to commit to the long haul in any other way than financially.
Yet, I can't say there still is not hope in me. There just isn't much commitment in me to keep trying. I tried the 180 of not returning his emails quickly or in length. Now it seems like we've both gone dark. If I officially say that my 180 did not work, then what? How do I undo it? Do I want to undo it?
Here's another handy dandy 180, lie. Tell H you had computer problems and being able to respond was sketchy. Ok, honestly, I don't recommend lying, but sometimes wouldn't you like too? Other than that, I'm wandering limbo land with you, feeling much the same. You've one upped me though, you've got financial security in your M. Money doesn't buy happiness, but I think it can help relieve stress and give you confidence.
So, I've really said nothing to help you, but here..... ((((Opti)))) Cuddle up with the dog and stay warm, just don't let the cold wet nose get under your jammies.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Unfortunately, I think it is mostly my incredible fear of being alone and being financialy and other wise insecure, that keeps me from moving on.
Quote
Hi optimist,
Just wanted to respond to what you said above. Having gone through a divorce already, let me give you my perspective on things.
Your fear is probably what is ultimately hindering your best efforts. Conquer your fears first. In my marriage, I was so afraid of being alone, and of having to depend solely on myself. But it's been 2 years since exH and I seperated, a year since we D and guess what. My life is ACTUALLY BETTER than it was when I was married in so many ways. I take care of myself financially, after exH moved out, a friend of mine moved in as my roommate (love her!), I bought a car (I had a phobia of driving that I overcame to do this!), I'm going back to school, I've taken long vacations by myself (and loved every minute of it...), etc, etc. In fact this coming weekend, I'm going to drive 3 hours alone to another state to do my college residency. I'm a little scared frankly, but guess what Anais Nin said, "Life expands or contracts according to one's courage."
I cannot tell you how much strength you WILL find within you once you start doing things that you're afraid of. FACE your fears and begin loving yourself. There is salvation in this ultimately. Once your H sees your love for yourself and facing your fears (he might see a subconcious change in you), he's going to get respect for you.
My exH and I are now friends and yes, he does respect me and gosh, neither of us thought I had it in me to get to where I am now! Strong (on most days, as I'm back on the boards, DBing again for my new relationship...by the way, this relationship fractured mainly because I hadn't regained ALL my strength after my D and I hadn't conquered my fears yet) and independent...and loving. Loving is the hardest for me!
I believe that the human spirit is inexhaustable. Find your spring of love and strenght within you. It will set you free!
Love, Rainbow
Sending you my best wishes and thoughts...hell, maybe prayers even (I'm not very religious)
((Opti)), Think you/your mom may have hit upont something there:
Quote: she wished H had an older brother!
My ex has a younger sister who's cuter and available, beats having to break in a new MIL
Just a way to make us realize that there are always options, when you're more upbeat, sit down and try to brainstorm some. So the 180 of not returning e-mails quickly or lengthily didn't work out, don't beat yourself up about it, try another channel. Maybe he's the type that needs a direct call and frank discussion about the R; know DBing says to shy away from R talk but if you've tried everything else, what is left? To paraphrase my old favorite show, "The answer is out there" RonJon
I work full time, but H still provides me with more than half my income. I don't make much at all. I am building up my savings account, but with full-time childcare, a mortgage, and an outlandish student loan, I have heavy overhead. I AM VERY grateful that H has been so good about money. His attitude makes me even more careful about how I spend it, because I don't want to upset this little island heaven we have regarding this one issue. He even talks about the money he makes as "our" money. Which is very good.I haven't come across another thread where the WAH was so willing and generous with money. Even H's that are still at home aren't usually as good about it as my phantom H.
I agree that the ease with which we have handled money has seriously reduced stress. And of course, it is one of the two main factors keeping me from contacting a lawyer today. The other being, that I still have feelings for him.
Interestingly, I have more money today than at any other time in my life. Yet, I have never been so insecure about finances. So scared of being completely broke and stuck in a dirty back bedroom at my mother's house and not being able to buy S4 the toys he wants anymore.
I'm so scared, WCW, just like you, about losing what I have. I'm afraid of having to take my dog to the shelter, of not being able to afford descent childcare, of being unable to afford to move, and especially of not being able to buy things for S4. Some of these are real things and some are just complexes I have. But it's all fear.
rainbow- Thank you for your post. It gave me lots to think about. See my post above to WCW. Fear is a big issue. And you have me thinking about doing something to confront it. Maybe it's time I looked up a counselor again. Although I am ambiguous about my past experiences in counseling.
Quote: ((Opti)), Think you/your mom may have hit upont something there: Quote: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My ex has a younger sister who's cuter and available, beats having to break in a new MIL
My mom wasn't refering to an older brother for me...she saying she wished H had an older brother for HER. It bothered me just a little when she said it. I guess it just rattled those old "bounderies" that she never could see. But, you're right about not having to break in new inlaws! Unlike a lot of people, I would love to keep my inlaws, unfortunately, it's kind of a package deal.
Maybe a great new 180 will just occur to me out of the blue. That's where my ideas usually come from. And I guess I don't have to worry about "undoing" anything becuase I can count on H not to bring up the fact that I haven't been responding much to his emails. If there's one thing he's good for, it's not bringing things up. Except of course two years later in a fight.
Quote: Maybe it's time I looked up a counselor again.
You know I would vote for this. I don't have a middle name, but it ought to be FEAR.
Money is an odd issue, even the times my H has said he was leaving he still did not want to know anything about our finances. He is totally in the dark about all of it. All he cares about is that there is money there when he wants to spend it.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
