Well, I guess it's getting time to start a new thread. But it won't be on the upbeat. Nothing new to report. Feeling pretty low tonight. My dad and stepmom were in town from CA this past weekend. I took today off to spend with them. They're gone now. Parting from relatives and friends is really hard these days. I'm just left feeling so alone. My dad started crying when he was saying goodbye. But I flat out refused. There's just too much pain in there to spring a leak. Got to maintain hull integrety! And I didn't want him to feel bad about leaving me alone. I've been doing this for a couple years now.
After they left I called up my mom and invited S4 and myself over for dinner. We just watched Harry Potter for the millionth time and ate whatever was in the fridge. She asked me if I'd heard from H recently and I briefly explained that after our small email discussion about his transfer, he only sent me a few emails, and I hadn't been quick to respond, so now I only get a one-liner every few days or an impersonal forward with no message from him, like I got tonight. He hasn't called, since, I don't remember when. Seriously, I think it might have been since I first moved into this house.
Then my mom just said, "I don't know, he doesn't seem to want to make any effort to maintain an R. I have to agree with J (my aunt) at this point." This was something different for my mom. Up until this point, she's really been hopeful that things would work out. She likes H a lot and even commented once, when things seemed to be going well, that she wished H had an older brother! But for her to agree with "J", my aunt, at this point, is depressing. My aunt has high standards for how people behave in relationships, and has always seemed perplexed and worried that I haven't moved on yet.
I have to say, it feels like a bad omen. I know what they think doesn't matter a fraction as much as what I think. Unfortunately, I think it is mostly my incredible fear of being alone and being financialy and other wise insecure, that keeps me from moving on. Yes, I do love H very much. He has many impressive qualities. But he seems unable to sustain a relationship. Yes, I am still IN love with him and he could still melt my insides when I saw him last. But, he just doesn't seem to be able to commit to the long haul in any other way than financially.
Yet, I can't say there still is not hope in me. There just isn't much commitment in me to keep trying. I tried the 180 of not returning his emails quickly or in length. Now it seems like we've both gone dark. If I officially say that my 180 did not work, then what? How do I undo it? Do I want to undo it?
