I did go back and read that WAW article. I've read it before. At first, I just thought "yeah, yeah, I know this, so where's the answer, where's the one thing a soon to be WAW needs to do to get her H's attention?" Of course, IF it's even possible for any particular soon-to-be WAW to get her H's attention, the one thing that will work is up and leaving. But then, if it's not possible to get his attention, all you've done is up and leave. And you better be prepared to stay gone, or you're really in for a lifetime of painful repetition.
In my case? I really have no reason to believe H would come running after me. I've never seen him fight for anything he believed in or wanted. It's entirely possible that he might have regrets and heartache if I told him it was over. But that wouldn't equal any action what so ever on his part. He is better at accepting sacrafice and a raw deal than anyone I know. But he is horrible at failure. He refuses to even chance it. If you don't try, you can't lose. That's always been his MO.
More of my crappy attitude today, I'm afraid. But I do have one little glimmer of wisdom that occurred to me yesterday. And it was strenthened by reading that article you suggested. So thanks for that.
Anyway that glimmer is that telling H that I have doubts that we will be able to re-establish our M would be a 180 for me.
There was a time, when we were living together and things were rocky, that I told H I was unhappy and things weren't right. His response what that is was my problem, and I just had to accept the way he was, and that I would get over it. Typical LBH response to the soon-to-be WAW.
But, since we split, I have never expressed any doubt that we could work it out. I certainly have had plenty of doubt. But I've never said anything about it.
I had one phone consult with a DB coach and she mentioned something called one-downmanship (as in the opposite of one-upmanship). And I had already seen this work with H with my writing hobby. He constantly put it down, so I just acted more self-confident in defense of myself, so he tried harder to tear me down... Then years later, after we separated and moved apart, I mentioned that I was too scared to do an open mic event and didn't have anything good enough to read. Suddenly he was my cheerleader and praise for my writin for the very first time. And I hadn't even meant to play one-downmanship.
I hear a lot of LBS women talk about always trying to be positive with their H's and tell them anything can be done, and rah, rah, rah... And their H's get more negative the harder the W tries. This is so true between H and I. But, theoretically, if you upset the balance, and show your insecurity and doubt, it gives them an opportunity to rush in and start cheering instead.
And here, I will point to one of my H's wonderful qualities, which is sometimes hard to do on this board...when I have been sick H will go to the store at any hour of the night. He will spoon feed me medicine (yes-literally and I've never felt so loved). He will come in and check on me. When I once came home crying from work because it was so bad, he just curled up next to me on the coach.
But these things didn't have anything to do with him. The last time I talked to him on the phone I was vulnerable and crying (not hard, or begging, or hysterical) and said it didn't seem like he wanted to see me on his leave-he had nothing for me. Cold as ice. I guess that is about his guilt though.
I might be up for expressing my concern about us ever working things out sometime after H gets his orders this winter. I don't know if expressing my doubts would give him an opening to come to the rescue or make him defensive. But at this point, I don't see H teetering on the edge of filing himself-so if his reaction isn't good, it's probably not irreversable.
I wouldn't bring up D because I wouldn't be ready for that until I was self-sufficient again. But, to me, we either live together at H's next unit or we end the M. The move might not happen immediately after H transfers or the D may not happen immediately after it's clear we won't be living together. But one of the other will have to happen.
