Cute idea, Ron Jon. Maybe I'll try that after this "not jumping at his emails" thing.
Honestly, I have very little hope about this "not jumping at his emails" thing. My guess is that I'd have to go months of not engaging him in email, and even then, he wouldn't call. Not until he got his orders for his new unit, maybe sometime in January or later. Then he would probably just email me the info, if he felt like sharing.
Yesterday I sent H another one liner email thanking for sending those movies to S4. He hasn't emailed back. But, who cares, right? If he did, I would avoid answering unless I had to.
I guess I'll give this thing until the end of October, then call it a failed "changed behavior." And then what...start emailing him long, chatty emails again? I don't know.
After a few days of pretty good focus, I lost it again. To be expected I guess. Deadlines looming at work again this week, so I'll have no choice but to focus Thursday and Friday.
Even though I'm trying to stop, I ended up plotting my future again the past couple days. It's like my neurotic obsession. Even though I have all these variables I'm trying to plot around..."if this happens, then I'll do A, if that happends, then I'll do B..." it never works that way. New variables happen and my emotions change. And I'm lost all over again.
And over the past couple days my confidence that H and I have a chance has gone way down. Not that it hasn't been good at all since that "second bomb" H dropped. I guess it's argueable about whether it was even a bomb, but the effect was the same.
Honestly, what are the chances that we can work this out. What are the chances that H and I are really going to survive a huge double life change like moving AND getting new jobs given the seriously crippled state of our M? Just not good. Who am I kidding? I better be willing to stay put where I am for a good while to try to space out these life changes, or I better move on and let him go.
Part of my negative attitude right now is the fact that I've been cruising the board and found a thread about how seriously unhappy and ignored wives can get their husband's attention before they decide to give up and leave. And you know what...nobody has a freaking answer. Not even the LBS men. They remember their wives nagging about wanting this and that, like I nagged to my H about wanting him to go somewhere with me, wanting to cuddle with him on the sofa, wanting him to go for a walk with me. But they didn't take it seriously and they figured their W would just get over it. And that just took me straight back to what it was like living with H, when things weren't going well. How lonely and abandoned I felt even then. Resorting to muscle relaxers to make myself fall asleep instead draining myself by crying all night alone in bed while H slept on the sofa AGAIN. And how he would literally say, "you'll get over it" or "you're the one with the problem."
Oh Christ, why am I so slow to let go. Certainly it has a lot to do with security and money. But if that was all it was, I could move anywhere I wanted and just put off filing for D until I was completely self supporting again. I've taken a step back from the job search and planning the move because I know H won't give me the information I need to make my decision without regrets. If he just said, "I don't think we should live together, lets just stay married like this forever," it would hurt like hell-just like his past bombs. And I would be scared, but atleast it wouldn't be because I might be throwing away a chance for us to be a family again. I would know that there was no chance for that.
Instead what I would get, and have already gotten to some degree, would be "I can't make any decisions for you. It doesn't make any difference to me. I can't tell you what to do." Total lack of committment. Total absence of risk taking on his part. He's safe. I'm still out here swinging in the wind.
If H was to call right now, I don't even know what I'd say. The DBer in me says that I would act happy and loving. The me in me says I would just shut him out like he has done to me. I need to do everything I can do to emotionally divorce myself from this man. To make it easier to do what I will most likely need to do in the next year any how. Move on without him.
Ironically, I don't have to even worry about how to act if he calls, do I?
