Thank you both for your posts. Patients or straightforwardness. Tolerance or biting the bullet. Time for me to take a break?
I really don't know if he can't answer the question now, or if that means the answer is "no" he isn't sure he wants to be together again, or if he means he only wants us to be together if he makes it to "station vacation" where he reduces his stress load enough that he thinks he can handle a family too, or if he thinks if he says "yes" he WANTS us to be together then I will be angry with him if he gets directed to isolated duty or something, or if he just doesn't understand what I'm asking because he doesn't think the same way I do. That's a lot of not knowing.
I have been just swimming in circles like crazy for the last month or so. And I'm so worn out right now. I have been ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY lately and I'm starting to really wonder how much letting go I really have to do to even make my end of the R work. More than I'm realizing, I think.
H got back into port on Friday. I was hoping for a phone call of course. I didn't get it. What I did get was an email when I woke up on Monday morning. Just his usual complaining about how much he hates where he is, the football game sucked, his truck doesn't work, anything new with you?
And this after I'd sent an email addressing his arguement that I should stay in the house for the sake of making equity in the house. Basically, I'd have to stay 10 years for that to happen over the property taxes, assuming the market stays where it is. I understand that I need to stay in the house until it sells for enough to cover the mortgage-but we won't MAKE money. And I was very careful to make that clear to him before we bought the house. And I thought he agreed.
I guess I didn't expect him to continue the conversation, but I would have liked an acknowledgement of my point. But, instead I get an email days after he gets back in port instead of a phone call. And I know I shouldn't think it, but now I'm figuring that he only called a couple weeks ago because it was on a weekday morning and he knew I wouldn't be around to answer. When he has easy access to a phone and it's a weekend, he won't call. I guess he doesn't really want to hear my voice, it's not what he needs. In a way, I understand. Whether I bring anything up or not (and I RARELY do in person or on the phone), no matter what my tone, I am just one big, walking reminder of stress, mistakes, and pressure to him. Just by virtue of being his W and the person he left hanging big time.
I'm thinking of how angry H was during his leave when he brought up some of our old arguements. Some really old issues, like me leaving crumbs on the counter, disagreeing about disciplining the dog, not liking the idea of a trip he once talked about. All things he brought completely out of the blue. And a couple times in front of his parents. And he was so angry still. And I have to say I DBed pretty well at the time. I didn't even FEEL the need to defend myself because his anger was so unreasonable. But, I heard him out and affirmed. Although his parents poked fun at him as "Mr. Perfect," and as much as I appreciated their support, I don't think it did me any good.
If we were geographically stable and did not have the added stressor of tranfers and huge unknowns, I would say that we could handle this R and maybe make it work. But, with it all, I think I might just be kidding myself. This is so unrealistic. And I am queen of unrealistic. H always hated that about me.
I am really feeling the need to simplify my life right now. When it comes right down to it, I'm not ready to take a job on the west coast alone. I need to know what H is doing. It would feel like a mistake to move out there still hanging on to the hope that H and I will be together again. If he transfers and starts putting off S4 and I moving to his location, hopefully that will hurt enough to help me move one. And I probably need to sell the house first instead of trying to do it remotely, with H remote as well. So I'll back off the job search until closer to when H transfers.
Right now I want to focus on getting in better shape, being present at work, and finally making real progress on the book I've been working on for years. If I can just focus in on those things until January I think I can improve my life for the short term. Take things little chunks at a time. Sometime after January, H should get his orders and I can look at picking up the other issues like selling the house and job searching.
I don't know if its right or not, but along those same lines, I'm putting off answering H's emails. Right now, I feel like he's the college boyfriend that just adds extra drama into your life when what you really need is to focus and accomplish the tasks at hand.
H goes days without emailing me when he can. He goes months without calling when he can. Why should I feel bad about not returning his email for a few days? Yes, part of me is doing it out of spite. To ignore him back. If he can't answer my question, then I don't feel like chit chatting. But, more to the point, hitting the send button to him is like hitting my own "sit and wait" button. If I don't reply, then I'm not waiting for a reply. Reduces a little stress right there.
