I did hear more about that job in CA from my friend. She forwarded me an email from a guy who I would work next to if I was offered the job and accepted. It doesn't sound like a very exciting job and I think it's still a little low on the food chain for what I want (story of my life), but the office sounds like a good environment, the hours don't sound too long, my best freind lives 10 minutes away, my dad lives 3 hours away, I could get back into my favorite water sport, the pay is ok for the town. Maybe there would be good opportunity for advancement or transfer to another job in the area. So I submitted my application yesterday.
This job is at the unit H served at before we transferred to AK and he dropped the bomb. While he was there I was still in the service and working 60 miles north of that. We lived in the middle and commuted oposite directions. Ironically I just got an email from H asking my opinion about a billet that might be open at the unit I worked at. I'm imagining me working at his old unit and him working at my old unit, living in the same place (the only place) we lived together in CA. We both hated our perspective units back then. I wonder if we could like it if we switched up. And of course the boss's have changed out, which makes the difference if nothing else does.
That's just a funny thought. It would feel like stepping back in time. But I no longer believe in those kinds of signs. Experience has shown me that what ever I see in my mind, won't look the same at all in reality. It's almost as if I can rule out future possibilities by fantasizing about them. That way I can be sure they won't happen.
My so-called H is getting to me this morning and I am not DBing well. He is due to transfer in 9 months. The list of open billets came out and he emailed it to me, letting me know what his first few picks were. That was a good gesture in itself-sending me the list. It was atleast sharing information. Good, good.
BUT-he still will not come out and say if he wants S4 and I to transfer with him or not. I could try to glean what he wants from his communications and actions over the year, but it's been so erratic that I think it would be a mistake. Another BIG mistake.
First I tried to figure out if he wanted us to live together when I called him at his parents house his first week of leave. He refused to say much, was VERY cold, and gave me serious move-on-with-your-life-so-I-don't-have-to-be-responsible-or-guilty-anymore vibes. After that I decided not to bring it up again during his leave for what little time he did give S4 and I.
During his time with us, H acted happy to be with us, so after he was gone I wrote him a half page email asking him to come clean with me and tell me if he wanted S4 and I with him or not when he transfered. I told him I understood if he was selected and directed to a place that we could not follow, but assuming that didn't happen-what did he want? Then we had a few emails back and forth without my email question being addressed. Finally I reminded him of my email. And he was friendly and said he was "formulating a response."
So, ofcourse, I have not heard anything back on that. THEN I told him about the serious job lead I have in California and said "my first choice is for S4 and I to go where you go, but since you haven't spoken up on that I'm keeping my options open."
No response to that either, of course. H just emailed that list of open billets and told me what his first picks were, and none of them were in California. I thought about it for a few minutes. Thought about what I'll do if this job lead turns into an interview or even an offer in California. Do I just let all this go and wait until I'm faced with that horrible choice? To start a new life in California with the only hope for the M being that he has a change of heart and finds a way to get transfered out there. Or do I pass up the job in the hope, that H decides he wants S4 and I to transfer with him and THEN hope that he isn't again so unhappy with his next job that he treats me like dirt all over again. And I've done it AGAIN. F&CK.
So, I replied to his email about the billet list and just said "OK, so does that mean you want [S4] and I to go with your or not?"
It was abrupt and I feel like I've asked him this question many times before. But I don't know what else to do. Why is he avoiding answering the question? Is it because the answer is no? Then why does he continue to communicate with me like we are still H & W and he wants to take care of us? Can he really be so intoverted and hermit like that he WANTS us to remain apart and married like this indefinately? WTF
(((Opti))) Tough sitch. My advice would be that since he doesn't want to say about the assignment you shouldn't pass on any good options in CA and take the first step if he won't. Were any places on the list of towns you could see yourself happy at with some job prospects?
It wasn't too abrupt to send the e-mail with the straghtforward question. Hope you get a good answer back. I'm off on the cruise ship in a couple hours so will be off the board for a week until next Saturday. Take Care, Ronjon
I checked up on your posts a while ago and saw on your thread that you were taking a break from the boards for a while. I haven't been posting much either, because there just doesn't seem to be a lot new to say...
H did respond to that once sentence email I sent, "so does that mean you want S4 and I to be with you or not?" He didn't answer my question, of course. He talked about how it all depends on where he's stationed and he couldn't give me any answers until then. He said he knew that wasn't what I wanted to hear. He also sent a follow up email that just said "p.s. I love you," because he forgot to say that in the first email.
I was happy to get that message from him. Even though it's the same old thing-he either isn't getting what I am asking, or he doesn't want to answer. I was NOT asking him what would HAPPEN after he transferred. I was asking him what he WANTED to happen, regardless of what the reality was going to be. But, atleast he responded.
So I replied and thanked him for the response and said that it helped me, but I reiterated what my question really was and that I wasn't asking him to predict the future for me...
And he emailed back. Again, he didn't answer my question. But he just asked if I would like southern VA, which is one of his top picks.
I responded that I would, even though it doesn't matter to me WHERE we go so much as that he WANTS us to be together.
That was our last communication. I don't think he's had Internet access for the past few days. I am glad he is sounding like he is thinking about us living together again. And that is comforting. And I know it's not good DBing to be so wrapped up in what he SAYS. But, damn, that's all I have to go on here. And I'm dealing with higher stakes too. Relocating again, with the nasty possibility of having to do another quick re-relocation with S4 and I if it doesn't work out. And S4 is going to be school age by the time this stuff happens. And the more of this extreme relocation lifestyle I live, the harder it is on my work history.
WHY, WHY, WHY can he not answer my question? Should I not NEED him to tell me what he WANTS before I make more drastic changes to my life? Is he just not understanding what I am asking him? How many more times can I ask before it starts causing a problem?
Hi Opti, I'm back from my cruise, catching up on threads. Sounds like your H understands your question if he answers and says he knows that's not what you wanted to hear. Why he doesn't tell you what you want to hear is the big question it seems. I mean, to say, let me see where I get assigned, and then go there, and then decide whether I want my W & S4 to join me doesn't make any sense but maybe I'm just too logical a person. Are there places on his list that he wouldn't want his family at? As you put it, it doesn't matter where as long as the want to be together is there. Maybe he doesn't understand how important the answer to the question is to you. If you are asking when sending a "light" e-mail he may not realize the depth of the situation.
And I understand where you are coming from with the DBing by e-mail and occasional phone only, you have to go with the words when there is nothing else. Best Wishes, hope you get the answer you want soon, RonJon
It's late tonight and I need to get S4 and I to bed. But I wanted to mention that your response to my question about PCSing on your thread (now locked up) was appreciated. It really did make me think about the stressors of transfers and how much that has to do with issues in my M. Although in our case, my H is the one who doesn't like the moves, even though he's the one that's still in.
So thanks for that. And I'll look you up tomorrow to see if you've started a new thread.
Quote: WHY, WHY, WHY can he not answer my question?
Opti, H did answer your question. In the only way he could right now. It isn't the answer you want to hear, it isn't black and white, but it is what he could give at this point. How many more times can you ask? as much as you want as long as you don't mind getting an answer you can't live with. In my example, everytime I have asked H in the last 3 years if he is staying or going, he says he is looking for a place and leaving. He hasn't. So I quit asking. Yes, there is many days that I think I cannot go another minute without knowing the answer and the direction for my life. But I also know that if I ask again his answer will be the same, and maybe he is ready to act on it the next time I ask. The gamble and risk is that someday he may be ready to answer something different and I'm not taking the chance to find out.
It is very true you have many valid concerns about relocating with S4 and your job history and the upheaval each move creates. I remember just a short year ago you were buying a house and ready to stay put for a while. What's the rush now to get an answer from H? It's 9 months before the transfer happens. (You could have another baby by then?) Maybe he's playing games with you, maybe he truly is giving you the best answer he can.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Quote: it all depends on where he's stationed and he couldn't give me any answers until then.
truely be the best answer anyone can give? Missing the point here, unless does he have some other options he's wanting to keep open that haven't been considered? From the book, it sounds like the cheeseless tunnels in both cases. Maybe the questions need to be asked differently or with different emphasis. From my experience, can say that not wanting to hear a possible answer stopped me from asking a few things and it didn't help my cause. Wish you both well in your endeavors.
Still, seems like a straightforward simple question that a person should be able to answer. Maybe try to get other information first that can lead to the answer like "what does it depend on?" or "If you get stationed at installation X, would it be a yes or no to join you?" etc. RonJon
Thank you both for your posts. Patients or straightforwardness. Tolerance or biting the bullet. Time for me to take a break?
I really don't know if he can't answer the question now, or if that means the answer is "no" he isn't sure he wants to be together again, or if he means he only wants us to be together if he makes it to "station vacation" where he reduces his stress load enough that he thinks he can handle a family too, or if he thinks if he says "yes" he WANTS us to be together then I will be angry with him if he gets directed to isolated duty or something, or if he just doesn't understand what I'm asking because he doesn't think the same way I do. That's a lot of not knowing.
I have been just swimming in circles like crazy for the last month or so. And I'm so worn out right now. I have been ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY lately and I'm starting to really wonder how much letting go I really have to do to even make my end of the R work. More than I'm realizing, I think.
H got back into port on Friday. I was hoping for a phone call of course. I didn't get it. What I did get was an email when I woke up on Monday morning. Just his usual complaining about how much he hates where he is, the football game sucked, his truck doesn't work, anything new with you?
And this after I'd sent an email addressing his arguement that I should stay in the house for the sake of making equity in the house. Basically, I'd have to stay 10 years for that to happen over the property taxes, assuming the market stays where it is. I understand that I need to stay in the house until it sells for enough to cover the mortgage-but we won't MAKE money. And I was very careful to make that clear to him before we bought the house. And I thought he agreed.
I guess I didn't expect him to continue the conversation, but I would have liked an acknowledgement of my point. But, instead I get an email days after he gets back in port instead of a phone call. And I know I shouldn't think it, but now I'm figuring that he only called a couple weeks ago because it was on a weekday morning and he knew I wouldn't be around to answer. When he has easy access to a phone and it's a weekend, he won't call. I guess he doesn't really want to hear my voice, it's not what he needs. In a way, I understand. Whether I bring anything up or not (and I RARELY do in person or on the phone), no matter what my tone, I am just one big, walking reminder of stress, mistakes, and pressure to him. Just by virtue of being his W and the person he left hanging big time.
I'm thinking of how angry H was during his leave when he brought up some of our old arguements. Some really old issues, like me leaving crumbs on the counter, disagreeing about disciplining the dog, not liking the idea of a trip he once talked about. All things he brought completely out of the blue. And a couple times in front of his parents. And he was so angry still. And I have to say I DBed pretty well at the time. I didn't even FEEL the need to defend myself because his anger was so unreasonable. But, I heard him out and affirmed. Although his parents poked fun at him as "Mr. Perfect," and as much as I appreciated their support, I don't think it did me any good.
If we were geographically stable and did not have the added stressor of tranfers and huge unknowns, I would say that we could handle this R and maybe make it work. But, with it all, I think I might just be kidding myself. This is so unrealistic. And I am queen of unrealistic. H always hated that about me.
I am really feeling the need to simplify my life right now. When it comes right down to it, I'm not ready to take a job on the west coast alone. I need to know what H is doing. It would feel like a mistake to move out there still hanging on to the hope that H and I will be together again. If he transfers and starts putting off S4 and I moving to his location, hopefully that will hurt enough to help me move one. And I probably need to sell the house first instead of trying to do it remotely, with H remote as well. So I'll back off the job search until closer to when H transfers.
Right now I want to focus on getting in better shape, being present at work, and finally making real progress on the book I've been working on for years. If I can just focus in on those things until January I think I can improve my life for the short term. Take things little chunks at a time. Sometime after January, H should get his orders and I can look at picking up the other issues like selling the house and job searching.
I don't know if its right or not, but along those same lines, I'm putting off answering H's emails. Right now, I feel like he's the college boyfriend that just adds extra drama into your life when what you really need is to focus and accomplish the tasks at hand.
H goes days without emailing me when he can. He goes months without calling when he can. Why should I feel bad about not returning his email for a few days? Yes, part of me is doing it out of spite. To ignore him back. If he can't answer my question, then I don't feel like chit chatting. But, more to the point, hitting the send button to him is like hitting my own "sit and wait" button. If I don't reply, then I'm not waiting for a reply. Reduces a little stress right there.
