Yeah! I'm so glad you're still around. For selfish reasons of course. I am not around the board much accept to read my few favorite threads every day or so. Don't post much either. I am sorry to hear the you H is so horribly stuck in his undevelopment. But I'm glad to hear the signs of detachment in your post. People are saying that too me a lot too..."I'm so glad to hear that you are moving on with your life and not waiting around for [H] to make a decision..." Yeah, I know. But it's not as if filing right now, just to have an official end to it, gets me anywhere either. At least not right now, it doesn't. You know what I mean?
Quote: He still likes to play hot and cold, though the cold is getting colder. As it stands, I expect to end up divorced.
Not because he doesn't love me or because he doesn't want to be with me, because I know he does. But, because he's too weak and cowardly to put in on the line and to try to make it work.
Wow, do I ever know this story!! I know-for a FACT-that H loves S4 and I SO much. He says he does and he acts like he does ON THE PERIPHERY. But he is too weak to risk losing. So better to give up and look like you weren't trying in the first place. The higher the stakes, the more he plays life that way.
And I have thought many times that if not spending time with a spouse is what contributes to "falling out of love," than SOONER OR LATER that is going to help me out of this pickle too. But, I can't even believe that it takes THIS long. Seriously, I don't think it took most WAS's 2 and a half years of decreasing intimacy to drop the bomb, so why on earth should it take that long-no, longer-for me, the LBS to fall out of love enough to move on?
Well, I guess the main reason is the little crumbs that keep being dropped. Like Friday when I came home from work there was a message on the answering machine from H. He hasn't been able to email for several days, and just before his leave, he wasn't emailing, let alone calling even when he could. So it was very nice to get a message just saying the ship pulled in and he just had a couple hours at the harbor and knew I wouldn't be home, but wanted to leave a message and tell me how much he loved us both.
That's the kind of thing that would assure me that things are going to work out, that we have a relationship and that this wait will all be worth it. It WOULD if he did that consistently and hadn't dropped the second bomb. So, now, it's just nice in the present. But aren't we supposed to be in the present, any way? I don't know.
I haven't gotten any bites in the job search, but I've only put 7 apps out there and they are all out of state. I think that puts me at a pretty big disadvantage. But it's not the end of the world. Just means I don't have to make a panicky decision right now. I did just hear about a job opening in an area in California where I used to work. It is close to my oldest friend in the world and just a few hours from my dad. I already have another friend who works for the organization checking into the opening for me.
H used to work there, but he hated it, of course. He hates everything that I know of, accept mountain dew and cigarettes. If I went there, I really don't know what would happen to the M. I imagine it would just be a matter of time before I got around to filing, unless H did the unimagineable and asked to get stationed there too. Of course, he told his mom that he would never ask to be stationed in Seattle right after he told her that I might move out there for a job. So I think the chances of him trying to get stationed back in the Bay Area are even slimmer.
I was going for a walk the other day, contemplating this job possibility and imagining H and I parting on friendly terms. At least, without hatred and eventually with the kind of detached love that allowed me to continue to care about him, but go on to have another relationship with someone who was more able to have a family.
That part of the daydream lasted a few minutes, but of course there were also a lot of fantasies about ultimatums and harsh words like, "grow up and be a man, I've had enough." A lot of anger and hurt and fear welling up too.
Then I came home to that message on my machine I mentioned. S4 just learned how to press play on the answering machine. I've saved all of the messages H has left on it (there are 4 now). So S4 was sitting listening to his dad over and over and talking back to message as if he was having a conversation with him.
