Just disorganized journaling...there are still posts earlier from WCW, RonJon, Nicole and NNP I want to respond too.. But, I'm not ready to approach things rationally right now...
It's finally over. I'm in a motel room with S4 tonight. We left H's parents earlier today and will drive the rest of the way home tomorrow. I'll have tomorrow afternoon to do laundry and try to rest before work on Tuesday. I'm trying not to think about getting back into "normal." I feel this horrible dread about going back to work and going back to my routine, but I think that it's just a passing feeling and the transition back to life before H's visit will just happen without really noticing it.
I feel this nasty emptiness again, a little of that fear of being on my own with S4 again. But I also feel a little bit of relief in there. Saying goodbye today was just horrible and I'm glad that hurdle is jumped. I did whatever it took not to break into tears all day long and gave up on any kind of leveling from H. H and I did get to spend a little time alone taking the car in for an oil change, a little shopping and a sit down lunch together. That was about three hours. I was glad to have the time, but it just seemed so empty too. Three hours alone time a year. That doesn't include sleeping together at night of course. Although he still wouldn't give up his frustrating habit of refusing to come to bed until 3am, then waking me up when he's finally ready for a romp. I'll take the sex for sex's sake and because sex was one of the few ways we were close during his visit. But, it still hurts my feelings that he won't consider anything (exageration) unless it's on his terms and time schedule.
When it was time to say goodbye all H's family lined up for hugs goodbye and H and I had an audience for our final goodbye. Considering we hadn't talked about anything personal during his whole visit or said ILY or been all that affectionate with each other, it was disappointing. They did kind of step back on the porch, but still, they were in plane sight watching. I just did not want to break into tears. I was so sad, lonely, angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, I just couldn't let it go right then. So I went to give H a hug and kiss and he turned his cheek to me. He said "it was good to see you," and I said "yeah," and got in the car and drove out. I really don't know if he meant to turn away from me or if he was just trying to get around the car door that was between us, but I didn't stand there to find out because I was already starting to lose it. I guess I was waiting on that ILY more than I wanted to admit. I was done crying before I got to the freeway on ramp. It's just gotten to the point that it hurts too much to cry anymore.
On the drive to my half way stop over I told myself I was just going to fire off an email to H tonight saying what I needed to say during the visit. H is flying back to AK tomorrow morning and is leaving from there on a month long trip right away. So, I probably won't hear from him for some time. And I have no reason to believe that he will get in touch in a timely fashion when he gets back from that trip. So it helped a little bit to tell myself that even though I couldn't figure out how to tell him what I needed to during his visit I will still unload it in an email tonight.
And now of course, I don't feel like writing that email. I don't know what the important things to say would be. If I was to say everything, it would be twelve pages. And I'm so angry right now. I feel like shooting off something just to hurt him. But then I'd just hurt myself and end up back peddling and H would have even less motivation to take me seriously.
OK, just to get it off my chest I'm going to do a positives/negatives list... NEGATIVES -H flying into parents house first, not contacting me, waiting for over a week to visit, then wanting to get back to his parents house early -H acting put out that I was hurt by the above and dropping the second "I haven't decided about anything" bomb. -No ILYs (since sometime last July) -H refusing to go to show and tell with S4 -H not addressing us ever living together again -standard lack of interest in alone time with me -H half-jokingly suggested that I follow him back down to his parents house, then the following day when I mentioned I thougt about it and wanted to do it he suddenly acted uninterested in it and in a hurry to leave. -H made plenty of comments about the future that didn't include me or S4.
POSITIVES -When I went out to the back yard to cry about H's apparent lack of interest in S4 and I going with him back to his parents house, he eventually came out and said he just thought it was too much trouble for me to go to. And when I reconfirmed that I was willing to go to this trouble since I saw him once a year he got down off his high horse and helped me pack and was very careful of my feelings for the next hour at least. -H was full of Acts of Service, making sure the car was ready for the trips to his parents house & back, that I had plenty of cash for the trip, etc. (while I was sitting by myself crying after H's comment "make up your mind if you're coming-you got 30 minutes to get packed because I'm getting home by 8pm," H suddenly got busy watering my plants and making sure the dog dish was full until he finally asked me more gently if I wanted to come.) -H had another discussion with his mom (and me to an extent) about the next baby's name. I don't know if this is good or not, just maybe an indication that H thinks we'll be together again. -H made a few comments about the future that did include me, but not necessarily me living with him. Basically he talked about where I might be able to get a job in his parents area. -I told H about some positions in Seattle I'd applied for and asked him what he would think about S4 and I moving out there. He didn't seem opposed to it. He made a comment like NNP did once-here or Seattle, it doesn't really matter. This could be good or bad I guess. -We did do some fun things while visiting his parents like go to a baseball game and a festival and some historical sites. Usually H doesn't want to do anything but sleep, drink and sit on the computer while we are at his parents.
That's enough for now. I probably will send H some kind of short email tonight. Maybe I'll just tell him again that my firt choice is to live together as a family once he settles in at his next unit. I suppose I should tell him that I love him and appreciate that he takes care of us again. And I'll let him know that it's not ok with me to be separated for another tour.
I don't know what his reaction to that will be. It seems like I never do know what his reactions will be. He is such a man of extremes. He's wonderful in so many ways other H's are horrible. But then he treats me and even S4 to some extent as a step-family, not his own wife and child. And he seems to think either I'll do this forever or the M isn't worth going out of his way for.
Oh and there's one other thing that doesn't fit into the positives or negatives reallly...
H told me a little bit about how his health is going. Not good. I noticed right away when I saw him how out of shape he was. He said he had been having chest pains and numbness in his left arm. One night apparently he was so worried that he wouldn't let himself fall asleep. He has also had a benign tumor growing for two years now and it's becoming painful, but he would have to let the public health service doctors operate on it, and he has just cause to be concerned about that in his particular area. He has been so concerned about his health that he is actually cutting down on his smoking and chewing nicotine gum. That may not sound like much, but for him, the king of vice, it's a big deal. I've never seen him cut down this much on anything.
It just makes me realize how precious time is and makes me that much more frustrated that I have no control over what happens. H obviously worries about a heart attack or stroke (and I do too because he's got every kind of indicator there is). How can you be that worried about your health, yet still be unable to get beyond your fear of dealing with relationshops?
(((Opti))), Don't know what to say, can't tell from your postings where H's head is at. Can he really expect to go on indefinitely with just a visit a year and only 3 hrs alone time with you? Doesn't make sense. Hear that it's OK to write e-mails when angry or sad but best not to send it right away, save and go back later to see if you still want to send. As always, in your corner, have a good Labor Day, RonJon
A few more days have gone by, how are you feeling? Have you sent that email yet? I am probably projecting way too much of my own feelings on your sitch, but I still say that not bringing up your feelings about issues/moves/carreer in a face to face while you had the rare chance was a missed opportunity. I live with H every day (not sure how long yet) who tells me little to nothing, and then WHAMs me with it all at once. It makes some pretty hard feelings for me to try and put aside before I even deal with what the actual issue is. Just my two cents.
What's your plan now?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
RonJon, WCW, NNP, Thanks for stopping by. I haven't been keeping up on the boards, but "getting back to normal" has been keeping me very busy.
RonJon-a few posts back you mentioned that H's response to my ideas of moving to the west coast would probably be negative given his history of not supporting my career among other things. Well, I brought it up with H before I read your post. And to my suprise, H was totally calm about it. Maybe it's the calm, direct way I approached it. I don't know. But, H is hard to figure out. I feel too tired to try to analyze and figure out what I can do to always get that kind of open, calm reaction from him. Sometimes he's a huge a$$, most of the time probably. And sometimes he's a very rational and caring person. I wish I had the key.
WCW-
Quote: A few more days have gone by, how are you feeling? Have you sent that email yet? I am probably projecting way too much of my own feelings on your sitch, but I still say that not bringing up your feelings about issues/moves/carreer in a face to face while you had the rare chance was a missed opportunity.
Yes, I think it may have been a missed opportunity too. But if you get 3 hours alone time with your H in a year, do you use it to tackle hard issues, or do you just let it go and enjoy the time? What can you resolve in three hours a year???
At the same time I know what you mean about keeping quiet about something then slamming someone with your built up resentments all at once. H does that to me too. But, the one thing I do know is that we have been way better at dealing with issues over email than in person so far.
I sent that email immediately. I didn't expect to hear from H for a month or more. But I got an email from him once he got back to AK, just asking if I'd made it back home OK. Then there were a few more chatty emails from his work email that lead me to beleive he hadn't seen the email I sent to his private address. So after a few days I asked him if he'd gotten the email I sent. He replied that he had and to "hold your horses ms. impatient, I'm formulating a response." It was a suprisingly light hearted response. Not at all the response I got over the phone when I called him at his parents and hinted around at what was going on. It was a relief. But on the other hand (and there always has to be one, right?) what is there to "formulate???" He either wants us to be with him or he doesn't. I know that where he actually gets stationed determines a lot of logistics and possiblities. But, I asked if he WANTED us to be with him, whether that was possible or not.
Again, he's unpredictable. I think it's because he really struggles with his own feelings and is always changing his mind based on the emotions on his head. When he does let out hints about what he's thinking, it's often conflicting.
A couple good things that I see in H right now that also suprise me a little...I already mentioned that he was trying to cut back if not quit smoking. The other is that he has been asking me all kinds of questions about getting a college degree. This is a biggie for him because he's always had such a chip on his shoulder about school. Since I've known him he just complains about what a waste of time it is and how much he hates those college kids that go into the military (like me).
All that is a defense mechanism of course. But his interest in getting a degree shows that maybe he is growing up about it a little now.
I'm still applying for jobs even though I have no idea if I could or would accept any of them right now. I don't know what to do, so I'm just doing something. I was looking at the paper in H's parents area the other day and saw a nearly perfect job opening. "Nearly" because I don't know if moving there is the exact right thing or the exact wrong thing to do. I would certainly prefer to be there than here. Although I'd rather be on the west coast than either place, M not withstanding. So I applied. If I got an interview it would just be an excuse to go down and visit. If I was offered the job...I don't know what the hell I'd do. Post frantically here, I guess.
Before the separation I had already figured we would probably end up there because H couldn't conceive of being anywhere else and it would always be me who compromised. But now it's frought with issues like...what happens if H and I finally end it and my only family support in the area is HIS family? If H does not come around, I have just made yet another temporary move, because I will not want to stay there.
I think you've opened the door to move ahead with your career and your physical address. I think you've left the door open for H to be a part of your life. I think you need to decide if that is what you want. Easy, right? (((opti)))
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Yes, I do want H to be a part of my life. If only it was ME who made all the decisions!
I still have not heard H's "formulated" reply to my email. He may not be able to use the internet right now, but it sounds a lot like his comment that we should wait to have any discussion about our future until his leave, then his refusal to bring it up or give me much of a chance to when he was finally on leave. A lot of putting me off. And one day, I'm sure of it, ONE DAY (fingers crossed) someone is going to offer me a job and I'm going to have to make a decision by myself.
Nicole-
Are you still out there? I can't find any threads that you are keeping theses days, just a few posts to others threads here and there. Are things just unchanging for you?
I don't post to my thread anymore. Not much reason to, I guess.
He still likes to play hot and cold, though the cold is getting colder. As it stands, I expect to end up divorced.
Not because he doesn't love me or because he doesn't want to be with me, because I know he does. But, because he's too weak and cowardly to put in on the line and to try to make it work.
Well, this ship is ready to leave port. It's been over 16 months and as I'm sure you know, it gets easier and easier to live without the one you didn't think you could live without.
Three weeks ago I got about 24 hours of "hot". He spent the night, was like his old self. He watched S2 while I worked the next afternoon and I came home to a homemade dinner. Table set, dishes done and everything. He freaked out at some point after that day because now he's Mr. Ice. Oh well. It's to the point where it makes me laugh.
So, anything new with you? Have you heard anything about your resumes on the left coast?
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Yeah! I'm so glad you're still around. For selfish reasons of course. I am not around the board much accept to read my few favorite threads every day or so. Don't post much either. I am sorry to hear the you H is so horribly stuck in his undevelopment. But I'm glad to hear the signs of detachment in your post. People are saying that too me a lot too..."I'm so glad to hear that you are moving on with your life and not waiting around for [H] to make a decision..." Yeah, I know. But it's not as if filing right now, just to have an official end to it, gets me anywhere either. At least not right now, it doesn't. You know what I mean?
Quote: He still likes to play hot and cold, though the cold is getting colder. As it stands, I expect to end up divorced.
Not because he doesn't love me or because he doesn't want to be with me, because I know he does. But, because he's too weak and cowardly to put in on the line and to try to make it work.
Wow, do I ever know this story!! I know-for a FACT-that H loves S4 and I SO much. He says he does and he acts like he does ON THE PERIPHERY. But he is too weak to risk losing. So better to give up and look like you weren't trying in the first place. The higher the stakes, the more he plays life that way.
And I have thought many times that if not spending time with a spouse is what contributes to "falling out of love," than SOONER OR LATER that is going to help me out of this pickle too. But, I can't even believe that it takes THIS long. Seriously, I don't think it took most WAS's 2 and a half years of decreasing intimacy to drop the bomb, so why on earth should it take that long-no, longer-for me, the LBS to fall out of love enough to move on?
Well, I guess the main reason is the little crumbs that keep being dropped. Like Friday when I came home from work there was a message on the answering machine from H. He hasn't been able to email for several days, and just before his leave, he wasn't emailing, let alone calling even when he could. So it was very nice to get a message just saying the ship pulled in and he just had a couple hours at the harbor and knew I wouldn't be home, but wanted to leave a message and tell me how much he loved us both.
That's the kind of thing that would assure me that things are going to work out, that we have a relationship and that this wait will all be worth it. It WOULD if he did that consistently and hadn't dropped the second bomb. So, now, it's just nice in the present. But aren't we supposed to be in the present, any way? I don't know.
I haven't gotten any bites in the job search, but I've only put 7 apps out there and they are all out of state. I think that puts me at a pretty big disadvantage. But it's not the end of the world. Just means I don't have to make a panicky decision right now. I did just hear about a job opening in an area in California where I used to work. It is close to my oldest friend in the world and just a few hours from my dad. I already have another friend who works for the organization checking into the opening for me.
H used to work there, but he hated it, of course. He hates everything that I know of, accept mountain dew and cigarettes. If I went there, I really don't know what would happen to the M. I imagine it would just be a matter of time before I got around to filing, unless H did the unimagineable and asked to get stationed there too. Of course, he told his mom that he would never ask to be stationed in Seattle right after he told her that I might move out there for a job. So I think the chances of him trying to get stationed back in the Bay Area are even slimmer.
I was going for a walk the other day, contemplating this job possibility and imagining H and I parting on friendly terms. At least, without hatred and eventually with the kind of detached love that allowed me to continue to care about him, but go on to have another relationship with someone who was more able to have a family.
That part of the daydream lasted a few minutes, but of course there were also a lot of fantasies about ultimatums and harsh words like, "grow up and be a man, I've had enough." A lot of anger and hurt and fear welling up too.
Then I came home to that message on my machine I mentioned. S4 just learned how to press play on the answering machine. I've saved all of the messages H has left on it (there are 4 now). So S4 was sitting listening to his dad over and over and talking back to message as if he was having a conversation with him.
