RonJon, WCW, NNP, Thanks for stopping by. I haven't been keeping up on the boards, but "getting back to normal" has been keeping me very busy.
RonJon-a few posts back you mentioned that H's response to my ideas of moving to the west coast would probably be negative given his history of not supporting my career among other things. Well, I brought it up with H before I read your post. And to my suprise, H was totally calm about it. Maybe it's the calm, direct way I approached it. I don't know. But, H is hard to figure out. I feel too tired to try to analyze and figure out what I can do to always get that kind of open, calm reaction from him. Sometimes he's a huge a$$, most of the time probably. And sometimes he's a very rational and caring person. I wish I had the key.
WCW-
Quote: A few more days have gone by, how are you feeling? Have you sent that email yet? I am probably projecting way too much of my own feelings on your sitch, but I still say that not bringing up your feelings about issues/moves/carreer in a face to face while you had the rare chance was a missed opportunity.
Yes, I think it may have been a missed opportunity too. But if you get 3 hours alone time with your H in a year, do you use it to tackle hard issues, or do you just let it go and enjoy the time? What can you resolve in three hours a year???
At the same time I know what you mean about keeping quiet about something then slamming someone with your built up resentments all at once. H does that to me too. But, the one thing I do know is that we have been way better at dealing with issues over email than in person so far.
I sent that email immediately. I didn't expect to hear from H for a month or more. But I got an email from him once he got back to AK, just asking if I'd made it back home OK. Then there were a few more chatty emails from his work email that lead me to beleive he hadn't seen the email I sent to his private address. So after a few days I asked him if he'd gotten the email I sent. He replied that he had and to "hold your horses ms. impatient, I'm formulating a response." It was a suprisingly light hearted response. Not at all the response I got over the phone when I called him at his parents and hinted around at what was going on. It was a relief. But on the other hand (and there always has to be one, right?) what is there to "formulate???" He either wants us to be with him or he doesn't. I know that where he actually gets stationed determines a lot of logistics and possiblities. But, I asked if he WANTED us to be with him, whether that was possible or not.
Again, he's unpredictable. I think it's because he really struggles with his own feelings and is always changing his mind based on the emotions on his head. When he does let out hints about what he's thinking, it's often conflicting.
A couple good things that I see in H right now that also suprise me a little...I already mentioned that he was trying to cut back if not quit smoking. The other is that he has been asking me all kinds of questions about getting a college degree. This is a biggie for him because he's always had such a chip on his shoulder about school. Since I've known him he just complains about what a waste of time it is and how much he hates those college kids that go into the military (like me).
All that is a defense mechanism of course. But his interest in getting a degree shows that maybe he is growing up about it a little now.
I'm still applying for jobs even though I have no idea if I could or would accept any of them right now. I don't know what to do, so I'm just doing something. I was looking at the paper in H's parents area the other day and saw a nearly perfect job opening. "Nearly" because I don't know if moving there is the exact right thing or the exact wrong thing to do. I would certainly prefer to be there than here. Although I'd rather be on the west coast than either place, M not withstanding. So I applied. If I got an interview it would just be an excuse to go down and visit. If I was offered the job...I don't know what the hell I'd do. Post frantically here, I guess.
Before the separation I had already figured we would probably end up there because H couldn't conceive of being anywhere else and it would always be me who compromised. But now it's frought with issues like...what happens if H and I finally end it and my only family support in the area is HIS family? If H does not come around, I have just made yet another temporary move, because I will not want to stay there.
