Just disorganized journaling...there are still posts earlier from WCW, RonJon, Nicole and NNP I want to respond too.. But, I'm not ready to approach things rationally right now...
It's finally over. I'm in a motel room with S4 tonight. We left H's parents earlier today and will drive the rest of the way home tomorrow. I'll have tomorrow afternoon to do laundry and try to rest before work on Tuesday. I'm trying not to think about getting back into "normal." I feel this horrible dread about going back to work and going back to my routine, but I think that it's just a passing feeling and the transition back to life before H's visit will just happen without really noticing it.
I feel this nasty emptiness again, a little of that fear of being on my own with S4 again. But I also feel a little bit of relief in there. Saying goodbye today was just horrible and I'm glad that hurdle is jumped. I did whatever it took not to break into tears all day long and gave up on any kind of leveling from H. H and I did get to spend a little time alone taking the car in for an oil change, a little shopping and a sit down lunch together. That was about three hours. I was glad to have the time, but it just seemed so empty too. Three hours alone time a year. That doesn't include sleeping together at night of course. Although he still wouldn't give up his frustrating habit of refusing to come to bed until 3am, then waking me up when he's finally ready for a romp. I'll take the sex for sex's sake and because sex was one of the few ways we were close during his visit. But, it still hurts my feelings that he won't consider anything (exageration) unless it's on his terms and time schedule.
When it was time to say goodbye all H's family lined up for hugs goodbye and H and I had an audience for our final goodbye. Considering we hadn't talked about anything personal during his whole visit or said ILY or been all that affectionate with each other, it was disappointing. They did kind of step back on the porch, but still, they were in plane sight watching. I just did not want to break into tears. I was so sad, lonely, angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, I just couldn't let it go right then. So I went to give H a hug and kiss and he turned his cheek to me. He said "it was good to see you," and I said "yeah," and got in the car and drove out. I really don't know if he meant to turn away from me or if he was just trying to get around the car door that was between us, but I didn't stand there to find out because I was already starting to lose it. I guess I was waiting on that ILY more than I wanted to admit. I was done crying before I got to the freeway on ramp. It's just gotten to the point that it hurts too much to cry anymore.
On the drive to my half way stop over I told myself I was just going to fire off an email to H tonight saying what I needed to say during the visit. H is flying back to AK tomorrow morning and is leaving from there on a month long trip right away. So, I probably won't hear from him for some time. And I have no reason to believe that he will get in touch in a timely fashion when he gets back from that trip. So it helped a little bit to tell myself that even though I couldn't figure out how to tell him what I needed to during his visit I will still unload it in an email tonight.
And now of course, I don't feel like writing that email. I don't know what the important things to say would be. If I was to say everything, it would be twelve pages. And I'm so angry right now. I feel like shooting off something just to hurt him. But then I'd just hurt myself and end up back peddling and H would have even less motivation to take me seriously.
OK, just to get it off my chest I'm going to do a positives/negatives list... NEGATIVES -H flying into parents house first, not contacting me, waiting for over a week to visit, then wanting to get back to his parents house early -H acting put out that I was hurt by the above and dropping the second "I haven't decided about anything" bomb. -No ILYs (since sometime last July) -H refusing to go to show and tell with S4 -H not addressing us ever living together again -standard lack of interest in alone time with me -H half-jokingly suggested that I follow him back down to his parents house, then the following day when I mentioned I thougt about it and wanted to do it he suddenly acted uninterested in it and in a hurry to leave. -H made plenty of comments about the future that didn't include me or S4.
POSITIVES -When I went out to the back yard to cry about H's apparent lack of interest in S4 and I going with him back to his parents house, he eventually came out and said he just thought it was too much trouble for me to go to. And when I reconfirmed that I was willing to go to this trouble since I saw him once a year he got down off his high horse and helped me pack and was very careful of my feelings for the next hour at least. -H was full of Acts of Service, making sure the car was ready for the trips to his parents house & back, that I had plenty of cash for the trip, etc. (while I was sitting by myself crying after H's comment "make up your mind if you're coming-you got 30 minutes to get packed because I'm getting home by 8pm," H suddenly got busy watering my plants and making sure the dog dish was full until he finally asked me more gently if I wanted to come.) -H had another discussion with his mom (and me to an extent) about the next baby's name. I don't know if this is good or not, just maybe an indication that H thinks we'll be together again. -H made a few comments about the future that did include me, but not necessarily me living with him. Basically he talked about where I might be able to get a job in his parents area. -I told H about some positions in Seattle I'd applied for and asked him what he would think about S4 and I moving out there. He didn't seem opposed to it. He made a comment like NNP did once-here or Seattle, it doesn't really matter. This could be good or bad I guess. -We did do some fun things while visiting his parents like go to a baseball game and a festival and some historical sites. Usually H doesn't want to do anything but sleep, drink and sit on the computer while we are at his parents.
That's enough for now. I probably will send H some kind of short email tonight. Maybe I'll just tell him again that my firt choice is to live together as a family once he settles in at his next unit. I suppose I should tell him that I love him and appreciate that he takes care of us again. And I'll let him know that it's not ok with me to be separated for another tour.
I don't know what his reaction to that will be. It seems like I never do know what his reactions will be. He is such a man of extremes. He's wonderful in so many ways other H's are horrible. But then he treats me and even S4 to some extent as a step-family, not his own wife and child. And he seems to think either I'll do this forever or the M isn't worth going out of his way for.
