WCW-well, I suppose you're right about H doing a better job of "act as if." He always has. I'm just plain old bad at it.
Something NNP said was exactly right on...
Quote: Is it possible that while he is away from you he gets crazy thoughts of you not wanting him, or being better off with out him?
It's not only possible, it's a fact. And not just while he's away from me, while I'm laying right there by his side telling him I love him. I've tried to convince him otherwise many, many, many times. And you'd think just the fact that I'm still here after all that's happened would convince him. But, no. It's not something I control. He has a horrible self-esteem and issues with depression. Sometimes I know he knows I love him. But, other times he is in a space where he knows that I shouldn't be with a guy like him and no one can convince him otherwise. It's been like this since before we were married.
It's like beating my head against the wall.
I got the very distinct impression during our last phone conversation that H was trying to get me to move on without him. And finally I'm at the place where I'm ready to accept that I can't fix his problems and if he doesn't think I should be with him, maybe I shouldn't.
He's openly admitted that he has intentionally treated ex-girlfriend's very bad in order to get them to leave him. He thinks if he isn't the one to make the break, he doesn't get the blame. I remember getting a very bad feeling the day he told me about that.
But, now that he's here, he has sure got his "Act as if" hat on. He's made all these comments about big improvements to the house. He knows I want a better job so he's asking me about applying for things around here. He was even on my university's website and found a Dean position open and asked me what the chances were that I would get it! Unfortunately, I had to say "none, because I'm not a faculty member and have never taught a class in my life."
My mom has been calling asking to get together for dinner and I've just told her that I don't know. When the H, S4 and I went grovery shopping the night he arrived I saw a woman from my writer's group. We were talking and H had so many things in his hands he finally had to walk back up to the cart. I introduced them and H shook her hand. Then he turned away and hunkered up his shoulders and wouldn't look at us. He looked so miserable. I tried to end the conversation as quickly as I could. It's just a reminder that H is horribly intoverted and hates, hates, hates meeting anyone new, especially someone I know first. Yet he is so concerned with what people think. He probably wonders if I've told them about what's going on between us and what they think of him, even though he'd never admit to that.
But when it's just us, we have been having a good time. Yesterday we took S4 to a children's museum and it was a lot of fun. Although there are still no ILYs which does bother me a little. I had taken my wedding ring off after our phone conversation and haven't put it back on. He doesn't wear one eiither.
I'm not too wound up about it yet, but certainly when he leaves I will be in a quandry about how to tell H about my ideas of moving out west (note I said ideas and not plans-I'm waffling already). It will take a little time to figure out how this visit impacts all that, if at all.
Reading back over this I can see how much I'm trying to protect myself from him by listing more negatives than positives. It is really nice that we are interacting this way. Yesterday on the way back from the museum I got us horribly lost. Neither of us are very decisive drivers and if there was a wrong turn to take, I took it. Between the two of us AND a map we wasted 40 minutes driving in circles. But, we never once got irritated at each other. It was just funny how blatantly incompetent I am when it comes to finding my way around and how incredibly unwilling H is to make a decision about something he could be held accountable for later (like what exit to take, or whether to end a M).
