I heard from H late last night. Since he was supposed to have arrived at his parents days ago I finally called him to see if he actually got there and feel out his mood.
I don't even feel like describing the call right now, but he's back to where he was when he dropped the bomb. I should probably be back in the separated board if I keep posting.
I'm back in that scared sick place I was during the first bomb. But, the second bomb is just ever so slightly less intense, and at least I have family nearby.
My plan at this point is to stop acting married. Remove reminders of him from around me. Move on with my life. I'll start job searching out west in earnest and look into whether selling or renting out the house is best. I'm not pursuing D until I'm settled into where I want to be, so custody and other issues don't complicate things.
It's obvious to me that H feels like he can't have a family and I shouldn't be with him. And after a year of what looked like successful DBing, there's nothing more I can do to convince him otherwise.
I will say that I did not DB last night on the phone. I did not "Act as If," after he didn't mention anything about coming up to visit S4 and I. The conversation started out OK, but when I did turn it to him visiting and his response was so cold, it was just like a replay of our conversations during the first bomb.
It's time to start seeing myself as really on my own. I AM a single parent, and S4 DOES have an absent father. I have been in denial about that for the past year. But the sooner I get comfortable with that reality, the easier it will be for me to strike out on my own and create a new life.
H did say he was thinking of coming up next weekend and spending 2 weeks of his 3.5 weeks of leave with S4. I'm trying to convince myself that I should just "Act as if" everything is fine and I'm happy to see him. Maybe I'll ask him to fix the toilete and pay off the fencing we had put in, both things he will probably be ok with doing. I suppose I should just get what help I can out of him. There's no need for that future talk he said we would have. On the phonee he said he hasn't made any decisions about "anything." I asked him what "anything" meant he just repeated it again. If he hasn't made any decisions for the past two years, he isn't going to make one now, so I don't want to get into another bomb conversation.
