oh jeez, tell me about it, my H mentioned how a thing or 2 I said in anger before we got married got us into a bad start, could just be MLC, but he remembers things I dont', obviously I didnt' mean some things I said but he hanged on to them as if they were gospel, sigh@@@@@@@@@@@@
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
No new developments. H was supposed to have arrived at his parents yesterday, probably sometime evening/late evening. Don't know if the security issues caused any problems.
If I don't hear from H in the next couple days, I will probably call his parents house to feel out if he has gone cold. If he has, or if he says he's not coming for another week yet, I think I'll ask him to come earlier to pick up S4 so I can fly out to the west coast. I've been watching last minute ticket prices and looking at jobs on the west coast, and think a trip out there with nothing in tow, would be a good idea right now.
It's going to take an effort to keep myself open, kind, and calm towards him. I don't know what his response will be if I can maintain that attitude, but I do know how he will react if I act as angry as I am. H is not one to put up a fight, even for something he really wants. He'll walk away rather than be seen as trying and failing. He'd give up the M, and maybe even his son on the spot I think. I'm so tired of his weak, spinelessness right now.
Lately, his question from his first visit a year and a half ago has been haunting me. He asked me if I wanted him to stay out of S4's life. He seemed willing to accept "yes." I couldn't believe that he would be willing to walk away from his own son. I don't know if he would have flip flopped on that later if I'd said "yes." But, of course I love S4 too much to say "yes" even if I had no feelings left for H except hate.
H is screwed up. And I'm tired of it. I have the potential for a pretty good life without H. Once I get over the fear of being alone and being without as much financial support H gives us now. I have the ability to love life and embrace the community around me. I don't know that H does. He hurts my chances. I don't know if I will ever be able to be as happy with H as I was before H.
I heard from H late last night. Since he was supposed to have arrived at his parents days ago I finally called him to see if he actually got there and feel out his mood.
I don't even feel like describing the call right now, but he's back to where he was when he dropped the bomb. I should probably be back in the separated board if I keep posting.
I'm back in that scared sick place I was during the first bomb. But, the second bomb is just ever so slightly less intense, and at least I have family nearby.
My plan at this point is to stop acting married. Remove reminders of him from around me. Move on with my life. I'll start job searching out west in earnest and look into whether selling or renting out the house is best. I'm not pursuing D until I'm settled into where I want to be, so custody and other issues don't complicate things.
It's obvious to me that H feels like he can't have a family and I shouldn't be with him. And after a year of what looked like successful DBing, there's nothing more I can do to convince him otherwise.
I will say that I did not DB last night on the phone. I did not "Act as If," after he didn't mention anything about coming up to visit S4 and I. The conversation started out OK, but when I did turn it to him visiting and his response was so cold, it was just like a replay of our conversations during the first bomb.
It's time to start seeing myself as really on my own. I AM a single parent, and S4 DOES have an absent father. I have been in denial about that for the past year. But the sooner I get comfortable with that reality, the easier it will be for me to strike out on my own and create a new life.
H did say he was thinking of coming up next weekend and spending 2 weeks of his 3.5 weeks of leave with S4. I'm trying to convince myself that I should just "Act as if" everything is fine and I'm happy to see him. Maybe I'll ask him to fix the toilete and pay off the fencing we had put in, both things he will probably be ok with doing. I suppose I should just get what help I can out of him. There's no need for that future talk he said we would have. On the phonee he said he hasn't made any decisions about "anything." I asked him what "anything" meant he just repeated it again. If he hasn't made any decisions for the past two years, he isn't going to make one now, so I don't want to get into another bomb conversation.
hey hon, sorry to hear there isnt' progress from his side.
You dont' have to be back to that scary place you were before, I am glad that you've arent' in denial anymore, you can make it and you CAN be happy just like you were before you were w/him. This truth set me free to be my own person and to have more confidence in myself, to understand that I could make it w/my 2 kids, thank heavens for our families too. I do commend you for the fact that you told him you do want him in your son's life, you are being a great mother, sometimes anger want us to disassociate totally from the alien that where our H's, but for the children's sake we need let the men be fathers, that they aren't getting off the hook that easy, they help bring the children into this life then they will share the responsibility.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Not really. On the phone he said he COULD come up this weekend, not exactly that he WOULD. When we ended the phone conversation he just said to email him my decision about whether I was going to leave town while he visited S4 or not, then he would make plans to come up here. I think I've decided that I'm staying. I can't bring myself to leave while he's here. I may or may not end up taking my entire two weeks of vacation depending on when and if he shows up and what he is like. But I still just don't know what the right thing is to do. So I decided that I don't have to make any decisions either. I'm not emailing him and telling him my plans. Not out of spite, but just because I've come to a point where I can't deal with this anymore. Maybe he'll show up, maybe he won't. My vacation is flexible. I can always just show up at work instead.
I did email H my plans for S4's birthday party the last week in August. H just emailed back askign what S4 wanted. So I told him. That has been the extent of our communication since the phone call.
On a good note. I have been in touch with the old friends that I grew up with on the west coast. I stayed up until 2 am last night talking to one of them. She didn't even know H left the first time. It was wierd running down the last two years of my life for her. The last time I saw her I was on my way to Alaska to be reunited with H, and here I am in Wisconsin two bombs later. We are planning to take a trip to Seattle where I am looking at relocating in the not to distant future. She has family there that I might be able to stay with and I have another friend we grew up with who may also be able to meet us there. Hopefully we can all meet on the westcoast for a trip in the next month or so and I can begin exploring a new life with people who I know have loved me since I was just a baby.
Man Opti, it sure isn't what I was hoping to read when I got back on the boards. I know how tired you are, I resemble that! I do hope you'll get a chance for face time with H, it might make a difference in how you are able to communicate with him.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
((((Opti)))), Have been so caught up in my own situation, didn't realize you had started another thread. Things may not look too good to you now but remember that every in-person meeting is an opportunity to excel. You've come too far to throw in the towel now when he may be coming up this weekend. Make a plan and take control, don't be reactive, be proactive with him. That's my advice anyway, not that I've had the success to speak as an expert though I do have the experience from my recent vacation that I was getting the same vibes from my W like "are you going to be staying in town when you bring the boys here or are you going to x? (like I want you to)" I stood my ground, established some ROEs, and we ended up having several excellent family outings and dates.
If nothing else, use this time as the opportunity to be able to say you tried all you could to save your M while you could and not have any regrets/doubts if things don't turn out. Remember Control, Positive, Opportunity. With you all the way, RonJon
Quote: Make a plan and take control, don't be reactive, be proactive with him.
I'm so tired at this point. I could Act as if nothing is wrong, I'm just happy to see him and not disappointed at all. That could be my plan. I don't know what else to do or what other plans to make. I'm so tired of trying to control. It never works. My head is just tired of making plans of how to act with H, what to say... I'm tired of spending my energy on him.
So I guess I could just put on my best smile, keep my mouth shut and wait until he leaves to tell him over email that I am planning to move out to the west coast and need to know if he wants to sell the house or go to the trouble of renting out.
I do not expect to hear from H again until the day he leaves to drive here or maybe the moment he shows up. I don't know if that would be this weekend or anytime between then and when he goes back to AK the first week of Sept.
I had the house so clean and picked up, I even paid to have the car detailed because he is so critical of how clean (or unclean) I keep things. That was just before the weekend I thought he was coming, before he dropped the second bomb. Now things are back to normal, toys and books strewn everywhere, bathroom's a mess, car's dirty again, counter tops are cluttered with papers and mail. He'll just use it as a reason he can't ever be "comfortable" with me again. But, without knowing when he's going to show up I can't have the place up to his standard for his arrival. I'm a single mom who works full time and even has a little bit of a life besides. I can't keep my house tidy for more than half a day. I'm really hating him right now.
