No new developments. H was supposed to have arrived at his parents yesterday, probably sometime evening/late evening. Don't know if the security issues caused any problems.
If I don't hear from H in the next couple days, I will probably call his parents house to feel out if he has gone cold. If he has, or if he says he's not coming for another week yet, I think I'll ask him to come earlier to pick up S4 so I can fly out to the west coast. I've been watching last minute ticket prices and looking at jobs on the west coast, and think a trip out there with nothing in tow, would be a good idea right now.
It's going to take an effort to keep myself open, kind, and calm towards him. I don't know what his response will be if I can maintain that attitude, but I do know how he will react if I act as angry as I am. H is not one to put up a fight, even for something he really wants. He'll walk away rather than be seen as trying and failing. He'd give up the M, and maybe even his son on the spot I think. I'm so tired of his weak, spinelessness right now.
Lately, his question from his first visit a year and a half ago has been haunting me. He asked me if I wanted him to stay out of S4's life. He seemed willing to accept "yes." I couldn't believe that he would be willing to walk away from his own son. I don't know if he would have flip flopped on that later if I'd said "yes." But, of course I love S4 too much to say "yes" even if I had no feelings left for H except hate.
H is screwed up. And I'm tired of it. I have the potential for a pretty good life without H. Once I get over the fear of being alone and being without as much financial support H gives us now. I have the ability to love life and embrace the community around me. I don't know that H does. He hurts my chances. I don't know if I will ever be able to be as happy with H as I was before H.
