Quote: Do you know for sure he is heading to parents? I agree it all points to that, but you do not know for sure yet, right?
No, you're right I don't know anything rigt now. Except that H could contact me if he wanted to. I don't even know if the big withdrawal from checking was for tickets.
I suppose there is still a possibility that I could be creating this whole situation in my head and he could just be so tied down at work that he can't even talk right now, even though it doesn't look that way.
It's still possible that H could email or call and tell me he's flying into my airport next Thursday. It's possible that he hasn't sunk back into deep depression and anger, I'm just assuming he has because he hasn't contacted me and his last email was careless.
I'm considering calling his mom this weekend if I don't hear from him to find out if he's told her anything. So far she's been an excellent ally and has been very careful to not say anything to H that would make matters worse for me.
I have requested vacation at work and an absence slip into daycare for H's leave, but before too much longer I'm going to have to change all that if I don't hear from H. I wonder how I should spend my vacation time if H doesn't come through. Maybe I'll have to rustle up some job leads and make a trip out west for interviews if I can get them.
Quote: Being quite blunt now (like I haven't already), why are you still married? You've had 3 nice days together in how many years of marriage? Do you WANT to stay married, or do you feel like you are SUPPOSED to stay married?
I need bluntness right now. I've had enough with this pussy-foot'n lifestyle I have to lead now. Although I have to say that I have had way more than 3 nice days with H since we've been married. We had 3 nice days out of the house together when we lived in California. We had many more nice days inside the house, not doing anything. We got along especially well when I was pregnant because I was depressed and tired and didn't want to do anything or go anywhere. H loved that. Aside from refusing to rub my feet, he was very good to me while I was pregnant. But, I made very little demands because I didn't have any energy. And of course, during his last visit we had at least another couple nice days to add on to the tally.
Yes, even though I'm filled with anger and disappointment now, we did have some good times. But rather than feel like I'm SUPPOSED to stay married, I feel like I'm supposed to GET DIVORCED in this situation. I know family and friends all wonder why I'm still married to him.
But, the truth is, I'm still married to him because the gentleness and love between us had returned for a year there. Even though we weren't together, there has been the hope that we will be soon. Because I WANT to be married to him AND be with him. But, when he stops communicating I'm just cut free like a kite in the wind, imagining all sorts of things, desparately wanting to protect myself from what's coming.
But, how do you actually put pen to paper and divorce someone you love and are still in love with? I guess I just need more time to fall out of love. Like the DR book says, love is and act, not a feeling. So maybe I just need enough time of not doing thoughtful things for him and not emailing him or talking on the phone to achieve that. Kind of backwards from DB advice, but I hope it's true. Then maybe I could file myself and really move on.
