I had come half way to your conclusion last night, WCW.

Cheeseless tunnel is for me to stop communicating with him when I'm angry and wait for him to acknowledge that something is wrong. Never happens that way, of course.

But, the other cheeseless tunnel I've taken is to re-ask him for what I want. Reason with him about why he should do something with S4 (he's going to be 4 this month) or me. It just pushes him farther into his "NO-I will not participate" corner.

I was trying to figure out alternatives last night. And after waiting over a month for him to get inport so I could hear from him, there still was no more communication from him but that crappy little email sitting unreturned in my inbox for the last two days.

I started thinking that it has been a while since I've given him the WOA that have worked so well in the past. It's not that easy to give them when we rarely communicate. But, it dawned on me that I should just give him some of those words now, independent of my request for him to do something for S4 or fly "home" for leave.

I wrote myself up a short script that said "I don't need to talk long, I have to get some sleep anyway, but I just wanted to let you know that I know you're stuck out there and you hate it. I know how hard you work. And you always make sure the S4 and I are taken care of and I really appreciate that. We'll just be happy to see you whenever you're able to get here." Then I was going to make sure I got off the phone quickly.

Of course, he wasn't on the ship when I called (5:30 or 6pm his time). I didn't leave a message. I laid in bed just more pissed and hurt than ever for a while. I waffled back and forth about emailing him those same WOA, but I really didn't want to. I just wanted to never return another email or take his phone calls again, if and when they ever came. I wanted to just cut ties right there.

So I took that as I sign that I should email him. If it seems like the harder, less satisfying thing to do...must be the right thing to do... I don't know. I just emailed him more or less what I was going to say over the phone, but even shorter. Let him know I knew he was unhappy, that he worked hard, that I appreciated it. And I said "I'll see you when I see you." No I love you's. A little bitterness sneaking in there I guess.

Of course, there was no email from him this morning. It's still too soon to tell, but I'm really starting to feel like something bad is happening again.

So, I decided it's time to start exploring my options more. If H is really falling through, I think my first preference, at this point, is to move back to the west coast. That's home to me. My dad and stepmom are there. I have friends there. So I started doing some college job searches out there, and I am very glad I decided to apply for that job at the university I work at here in the midwest. Even if I didn't even get an interview, my resume is updated, my website is built, I'm more than half way there. I wouldn't feel the need to file for D, but it would be a big step away from the M. I am hoping that living in a place that suits me better will soften the blow of letting go of the M. Time to order transcripts again...


My Latest Thread