Mama'a still rockin....

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Mama, I probably have the wrong approach to your sitch, so don't feel like you have to listen to me. I don't really feel like I know what I'm doing at all in my sitch, so I am not one to give advice. But I want to tell you what I see, and then others can perhaps respond to what I am about to say.

I know that timing is everything, and it may not been time for a "confront" and I don't know when it would be. But here's the thing. I think your H is still seeing the OW, and I don't think it's good to be in denial about that possibility. H is contacting her on vacation. And when he is with you alone at night he kisses you and says ILY. But he's still not ML with you, and when you mention it (like in your note) he skirts the subject and says how much he loves "you people". He is going back to work and he feels guilty. He's going back to the other world where she is, and he is not unentangled yet or you would feel VERY different right now about your sitch.

So I think at some point it will need to be addressed. Your R will be in limbo as long as H has OW. H has decided to stay married, but H has not ended the R with OW. Ending it would mean that H quit his job, you moved away and H NEVER spoke with her again. They will NEVER be "just friends". IMHO, which may not be right, but anyway I think at some point there will have to be a stand for your M about what you will and won't tolerate for YOU to stay married. I don't know how long you intend to give him to work it out, or if you have any kind of timeline for yourself. But H isn't talking to you about it, and has not even admitted that the R exists. What you will need is his willingness to DO WHATEVER IT TAKES for you to feel safe in your M. Have you read any of Harley's books "His Needs, Her Needs" or "How to Survive an Affair"? If H is really committed to staying in the M, then some C together or working together on "His Needs, Her Needs" - something that will get you both more honest and to the next level will be in order. Because I believe H is getting some of his needs met elsewhere, and you remain with some of your needs unmet in the M. At some point, I don't know when, you will need to make that correction or your M will not survive with happiness. It will just carry on, nice sometimes and flat and dissapointing sometimes. I think you can have it all Mama. But you will need to be a stand for your M and not settle for less than a GREAT M. You have worked so hard, and you are worth it.

How to navigate that transition, in your sitch, I dunno. But if I were you, I would be thinking about what kind of life you really want and what it would take to have it.

Meanwhile, I am glad you had a great time with H. It sounds like your talk about the house, and maybe another one in the future in a small town, was sweet. I just think it is a delicate balance between DBing and then getting complacent and sweeping things under the rug that need to get cleaned up in order to have true intimacy and happiness. But your H may need these things in small slow doses. You will know best. Just don't allow yourself to accept status quo indefinitely. What will make you happy? Enjoy each day, but also keep your eye on the prize

Of course if your horoscope is right, now is not the time. So maybe tuck this away for when it is time to consider it. I am rooting for you MamaBear