Hey gal! Glad to read your thread. So, what happened last night? I know posting for you now is a little harder since you have mobs of family over...
If you have not, then I suggest no R talk this week. It's hard to get all emotional and come back to a house full of family and act as if. It puts both of you in undue pressure....like you need more of that now?!
My R talks with H have always been ones that I did not plan out so much....just a general idea in my head. I started the ball rolling, and let him take the lead. Talked gently, openly, calmly. Mostly just listened. You'll be surprised what comes out. I used to think I had to harp on how much I disapproved of things, how he had to be in the R, work on the R, all that. He knows that, all our spouses do. They did not lose the concept of M, they only pretend to, or are in a fog. Your H knows what he's doing is NOT OK, and he's not comfortable with it. So, repeating that is just a waste and pressuring and ineffective for him...you get the same response. From your previous conversations, they are ones where Mama is fed up, drops it on H, he says nothing is going on, I love you and will work on M. Then he doesn't.
So, in the spirit of 180's, how about approaching the R talk differently. Also, as I recall, months ago, he said he would go to a C...did you fix that appt? It shows that you listened to him, and take it seriously that he wants to talk to you in a safer context than just alone with you.
How about not asking him direct questions ("do you want the M") that you know the answers to....how about asking general questions...("how are you feeling? are you doing well? you mentioned last time being tired and angry....explain that, I want to understand you....how can I help")
You get the gist. It seemed to me that your H opened up a little more (angry and tired comments) in the last conversations. This means he's going in the right direction. The fact that he talked to the neighbor also means the same thing....he's coming out and facing things, and it's getting to weigh on him. Be the open ear....no the W that states the obvious about marital outcome. Jus tbe silent, and he WILL speak. My H clammed up hard, and it was b/c I hammered him with questions and my opinions. Now, I ask vague questions and just listen....slowly it all comes out. I don't react very much, except the neutral validation. Above all, my tone of voice and calmness is BIG for him.
So, make the conversation not another ultimatum talk, threat talk, stating what Mama thinks talk....but the goal should be just to get H to open his feelings a little, however productive that is, it's great.
