Just want to chime in here, from everything I have read, and everything I know in my heart on this "family" issue. I am the lynch pin in our family. I am the one who holds it together, who makes the family a family. I'll never forget when H said to me, "I feel sorry about what is happening to the family" and I complained to my good friend on the phone, that he cared about my D's but not about me. She said (good friend that she is) "You ARE the family. He just can't say he misses you, that he feels bad about what he's done to YOU. He feels too guilty. It's just too painful to face." Then my C said, "He's afraid he will see that look on your face again. The one he will never forget, when he told you about the A, and he saw all that pain. He can't even begin to take responsibility for that right now. But make no mistake, he misses YOU and feels bad about what he has done to YOU." Do you get this? Without us, there is no family. Heck my H changed HIS last name when we got M. He became part of our family. We made a commitment circle during our wedding. He is afraid. But he knows, he misses me, doesn't want to lose me. Even when he is not present to his love for me, he knows this. I am sure. And even though my H is challenging the "rules" right now, he knows that OW and I are not compatible entities - one of us is going to have to go at some point. I am banking on the fact that it will be OW!!!
I am not sure at what point I will need to force a decision. I am hoping I will not have to at all, that H will choose on his own, because he will get that his life is not better this way. I am banking on the fact that the MLC fog will lift, or that something in H's life will force him to choose to make a change. He will see something he does not see right now. I am trusting divine timing, and meanwhile I must have patience. This is the hardest thing.
The toughest thing about your sitch, MamaBear, IMHO, is that your H is not being honest. That is the focus area I am working on with H becuase it is so important to me. It is the bottom line for me, and I believe it will be the deal-breaker. I am banking on the fact that H's integrity matters to him so much, that he will not be able to live a lie for too much longer, and that he will see that OW is OK living as a liar. I would bet my bottom dollar that that will be the eye-opener. Anyway, MamaBear, if I were you, I would look deep in yourself, and figure out what the real deal-breakers are here - for you. What is it that you need to know, to make sticking it out worth it? Then focus and observe that. And most of all, be the best you can be in that area. For me, if I want H to be the honest H that I have known him to be, I need to be honest, I need to be impeccable with my integrity (focus on cleaning stuff up in my life - space, relationships, etc.) and then I need to be a safe space for H to come clean and recommit to his truth. That is my current focus. What's your # 1 issue to focus on? Then focus on that, in yourself, and see what happens.
Remember, is is not about OW. It is never about OW. It is about our M. What in the M needs attention. Focus on that, and focus on what you can do in your life, to make that better. BTW, the kids will be best off when they see you growing and working on yourself. At a certain age, you can even share with them a philosophical value you are focusing on, and then they will support you in that conversation also. My D was amazing in this way when she was 7 - 10 years old. Kids love to be inspired and challenged to grow in values-based conversations.
My two cents. Hang in there - I love you MamaBear.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
