Mama, I was trying to point out that your admitted over-analyzing is really completely within your control. You can choose to do it, or not. At times I spend a great deal of time and energy trying to decipher every word and action my W makes. It is darn exhausting. They feel fine but you're frustrated and fed up. That doesn't help things, does it. Sometimes we need to just take a well deserved break from it. It's not like they're going anywhere, I mean who else are they going to torture in such an intimate way. It takes years to build that up, do you think they'll throw it all away cuz we stopped analyzin for a week ! Seriously, to take a break is not giving up, it's recharging our batteries. It is a necessity. when its time to leave, if that day comes, I want it to be a decision made with a cool head not out of frustration and anger (I'm a dreamer, aren't I). So maybe yes, ignore it for a while. Whatever keeps you going until you can't anymore. Only you will know when that time is, noone else. Regarding the exciting stuff, sometimes it's just a matter of doing something different. My W craves trying new things (I won't even go there! It's too easy), seeing new places, trying new foods. DB'ing is actually great preparation for what you are asking because it gets us to think outside the box re our R's. Use those tools to devise fun little things if $ are an issue. I remember one time my W had had a really rough day. I went upstairs, made her a bath, put candles around the bathtub, cut up some strawberries, brought a glass of wine and set up a cd player with some soothing music. I got a great big kiss and thank you for that. Now your hubby might not go for the bath thing (or maybe yes, who knows) but I'm just brainstorming here with you. Maybe it will ignite a better idea in your head. Be good...to yourself, Mama!
Lin and Whatitis, thank you so much for keeping up with my sitch. There are so many people on this board so I feel honored when anyone takes the time to read my sitch and give me advice.
In my heart I think that my H is here to stay (for now anyway) and he doesn't have the luxury of this board, he is doing this all on his own. He doesn't hit Barnes & Noble every week like I do either. So I have to give him a lot of credit. He is a very smart and sensible man.
I need people to encourage me, to tell me that I am doing the right thing, even if in my heart I know that I am. I guess that is something that has to do with my childhood. My parents NEVER encouraged me. If anything, they (my father mostly) let me know daily how I wasn't good enough. To this day he continues to let me know that EVERY decision I make is a stupid one.
I guess you might conclude that I need my H to tell me that I am OK, too. His involvment with OW tells me that I am definitely NOT ok. Herein lies my problem. Prozac anyone?
But seriously, I KNOW that I am OK. I AM a good person, a good wife, a good mother, a good friend and not to sound conceited, but I beg you to find someone who knows me that thinks otherwise. Therefore, as long as I think I am ok is all that I need....but I sure would like my Dad to say it sometime before he or I dies.......
WORST case scenario what are you looking at??? You are looking at being a better person. You are looking at having the respect of your kids. You are looking at being a better mom. You are looking at having the peace that you tried and did the right thing.
Strongbear that is the WORST case scenario. Best case...you STILL have all that and you have your hubby.
You are in a win/win situation because of how YOU handled the situation.
My dad is a very good man, would do anything for anyone...but you better be ready to hear what an idiot you are...
After my H left me....we got in an argument....something stupid....I made the comment that as soon as I got a job and could find a place I was moving out with my kids... He said "YOU WILL BE BACK!...Your a loser and you can't make it."....
Of course when I got a job and moved out my mother about freaked....then when my girls lost their jobs she said my dad said I could move back if I needed....I told her I loved her...and my dad....but I would live in a campground first....sleep in a tent and cook on a BBQ....I would not move in with my dad again...
But then there are times when he comes to me because he knows I am so smart about certain issues...he will brag to others about me too...he just doesn't do it to my face...and that hurts...because I was daddy's little girl until I hit my teens...then everything changed...
Hi MamaBear, Your respect and love for your H is always so inspiring to me. And you are a size 2??!!!! I had such a different picture of you, being as strong as you are. You pack a big wallop in that little frame. I am so impressed.
I really like the suggestions you got, to spice it up a bit with your H. It is so easy to fall in to a "kid-dominant" lifestyle. I think it is really really important for you to keep inserting your M as the priority. What good role modeling that will be too! I thnk it is OK to say to the kids, "Mama and daddy need some alone time tonight" and to take it. I can totally picture you with champagne in the bath together. Sometimes it is difficult to re-stimulate those exciting romantic possibilities when they haven't been around for a while. It will feel like sticking your neck out, you may feel self conscious. That's OK! Keep doing it until it feels natural. Like a game, always fun, always fresh, always new. See what you can create.
Have you ever tried sleeping in your bed with your head at the bottom and your feet at the top, or sideways? Remember when there was no such thing as sleeping on the same side you always sleep on, because it was different evry time? And how about pitching a tent in the yard for camp out?
I am picturing you two having an awful lot of fun. Keep up your spirits mama. He said ILY!!!!!! I think you are one lucky Mama. Everything is gonna be fine. You just keep your heart open and your playfullness alive!! I am rooting for you, Mama. You are definitely on the right track, in every way.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Quote: I feel like things are better here, except for the fact that there is zero intimacy. By coming here I realize that it will take time for feelings of physical attraction to come to the surface again, but dang. I'm so tired of waiting - will this be the day, night, or whenever we we finally reconnect? To tell you the truth I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being the one to initiate hugs and kisses goodnight, with no response. I realize, this is probably how my H felt for many years and what let to the breakup of our marriage but I DO NOT know what to do to change this dynamic. I do not want to continue this way forever, I am a human being for God's sake. How long to I sacrifice my needs. Sorry for the rant....
You just journaled my feelings 100% except for the frustration part. I think I have that under control for now. Like you, I had to decide to semi-ignore certain things because you know what? Things ARE much better today and while I WILL NOT live forever in a sexless marriage, I will also not get divorced because "tonight was not the night." I HAVE learned from all this and one of those things I have learned is patience... I swear I have and since a LACK of patience has been one of my worst qualities, I am determined to make sure that it is NOT the reason why I make decisions to end or damage my marriage (and by damage I mean take seven steps back to try to take one or two forward). I will take some more time (BTW, time NOT spent over-analyzing this crap to death) to see if we are truly making progress towards a NEW marriage or wallowing in the remnants of the old one.
Oh, and Mama, while I was not EXPECTING anything, I was damned hopeful that last night was gonna be the night, lol. I even shaved my back in anticipation (hope you get that one)...
It is truly sad how effected we all are by the actions of our parents. They were well-meaning and did the best that they knew how but someone we ended up a little damaged anyway. Being a parent myself, this scares the he77 out of me. I don't want my kids to grow up with issues, that I may possibly have caused.
I think I will purposly change my interactions with my kids and consciencely think things thru before I say things. Don't get me wrong, I think I am doing a pretty good job but there is always room for improvement. Sometimes I have a short fuse and I start barking orders at everyone because of my own frustrations. That is not fair to them. This is what I am going to focus my energy on for now.
For whatever reason, H only sees me as his friend and roommate for right now. Sure I can try to spice things up but if the feeling is not there, it's just not there.
The temp has actually dropped here today - was in the 100's for about a week - and it is raining. I think me and the kids are up for some fun. I took them to the pool yesterday and we had a blast, if the rain lets up we may go back, or there is always bowling!
Oh, and BTW, the part that struck me SO much (cuz I thought I was alone thinking this) was that part about always wondering if tonight is the night. I do that EVERY day and I am starting to think it is a BIG expectation thing, not so much just "hope" like I try to tell myself.
Has your husband been checked for physical problems...I ask because when my H came home he now had ED...it has gotten some better...but not where it was...he has finally gone to the doctor to address these issues with others.... the doctor said it could be emotional because of all that happened...but then it could have physical reasons so we are looking at that....you see, he lacks desire too...so maybe your H is "lacking desire"....and it isn't personal...my H said he isn't attracted to ANY woman...so being a size 2 or 22 wouldn't be the issue here..
I do hope you can help him back to you....intimately, soon...I know how that feels to have them their but not be able to HAVE THEM...
! Seriously, to take a break is not giving up, it's recharging our batteries. It is a necessity. when its time to leave, if that day comes, I want it to be a decision made with a cool head not out of frustration and anger (I'm a dreamer, aren't I). So maybe yes, ignore it for a while. Whatever keeps you going until you can't anymore. Only you will know when that time is, noone else. 
And how about pitching a tent in the yard for camp out?