Well, the wedding was nice. We got along really well for the most part, and I went out of my way to be helpful. After we checked out of the hotel we went up to W's grandmother's house and did some family stuff. It felt like old times. Even in the hotel W was totally comfortable around me - undressing all the time without hesitation, etc. Except when it came to sleeping did it feel like there was nothing wrong with us ("I'll sleep wherever you're not"). On the ride home I could feel W completely pull away. It was like she receded back into the fantasy world. We drove home without the radio on and I didn't talk to her at all. It was sad, and today things are a lot strained. It makes me angry and sad that I get so attached to her, and then feel so rejected again when we're back in this place.
We just got into a bit of a nasty situation. W reacted to something I did, and started fuming at me about how I was such and such and this and that. Basically, we went out to brunch with her mom and step father, her aunt and step sister. When we left, we were going to meet at her mom's house. While following them back, they pulled over into a u-turn lane and I continued past them to the house. They had mentioned something before we left about whether or not we could get into their house, and I said we could. So I thought they were going to run somewhere first. W thought I should have stopped to talk to them, but in the split second I decided to continue, and when she brought it up I told her she could call them on the cell phone. She just got angrier and angrier. We got back to the house and I rolled up the windows and shut the car down getting ready to get out. She got really angry at me telling me I wasn't thinking about her because she didn't want to get out of the car and she wanted the windows down. I told her that I thought we were going inside, and if she wanted to stay in the car she could have told me that she wanted that before I rolled the windows all the way up. It's like she creates something to be angry about at any opportunity.
Well, I took S4 out of the car and left W there. He kept asking me "is mommy mad at me?" I told him that she wasn't, that she was mad at me. Eventually, we went inside (to find W at the computer writing email to OM) and I took S4 to the bathroom. While we were washing hands he asked me "are you wearing a wedding ring?" and we had a little conversation about what that meant. He asked me who I was married to and why. I told him I was married to mommy and he asked me why. I told him it was because we love each other. At this point my W snorts from the other room.
During the reception I had both my father-in-law and his wife come talk to me about my marriage. I told them that I was not giving up hope. They were very thankful, and reassured me that I was doing the right thing. My FIL told me that he thought W was in fantasy-land and that she would soon realize this. He said that if he could, he would snap her out of it, but it's not possible. I really tried not to get into it with them because it was not really appropriate, but they did give me a little more hope. I think the fact that we were with family really made things better between W and I. It also was very clear to me that she wouldn't have OM at this sort of event, so this must make her realize a serious limitation of this relationship.
Anyway, enough ranting. I have to go back and face the W. I stepped away for a few minutes because I needed to regain my composure. W hurt me a bit with her anger (again, I allowed myself to get too reattached after the weekend).
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
