Muddle, I really feel your pain and frustration as I am living it every day. We hate what has become of our life. What happened to that person we married? They changed, and not much to our liking either. There are lots of days when I just want to give up too, but think of your son. I know we shouldn't stay together for just the sake of the kids but if we don't think of them then we too are being selfish. People who know of my sitch think I am nuts, a doormat, an enabler and some days I feel exactly that but in reality I am not. I am strong!! I am fighting for something that I believe in. I am not a quiter and I don't toss things aside just because it isn't exactly the way I want it to be and I believe that you are that person too.
My H and I have had a similar convo regarding our dogs. One is a 4 year old Golden Retreiver that to this day still jumps on people when they enter my house. She runs around like a maniac, stealing socks and toys for attention, not to mention the constant barking when someone walks past our yard. The other dog, is meek and mild and does her own thing except she constantly pees and poops in our house even though she knows to go to the door if she needs to go out. We often talk of getting rid of them; taking them to a shelter or finding them a new home BUT then we say to ourselves what kind of a message would we be sending to our kids if we did that. That if we don't like something about someone, just get rid of them? So....the dogs remain in our family, issues and all.
Sorry for going off in another direction. Show your son what it means to have good values and morals and integrity. Don't feed off of your W's confusion. Continue to improve yourself and leave her to figure out all that she has and could possibly lose.
What have we gotten ourselves into? Mama, your words mean a lot, and I thank you for them. You're right, I am not going to quit because it might be easier in the moment. I'm doing what I said I would and that's something that I want my son to see and respect. I have many reasons that I'm fighting for my M, the strongest being that I know it's best for my son. This fact will never change. I can give up on my love, consider it all ruined, forever soiled, but the simple truth is that this boy deserves his family.
I struggle with seeing myself as superior to my W because I disapprove of her choices. I disapprove of the choices she sees as acceptable. I don't think I'm any better than my W, and I'm concerned that this perpetuates her feelings that she isn't as good a person as I am. I think she's accepting this, maybe even embracing it. Her "good friend" is someone that she hasn't had much respect for, but now that she's supporting her she means the world to her. I think your dog analogy is a great one. I wouldn't throw out my W because she has issues, or there's something about her that doesn't make me happy. However, she comes from divorced parents, and she saw her parents "work" at their relationship and divorce anyway. I have told her that we're better than her parents and we can get where we want to be. She tells me I'm just like her father and she doesn't want to be married to him. I am dedicated to this, and I won't let my feelings stop me. Don't worry about that, even if I verbalize hopelessness or doubt or pain. None of this will stop me.
You know, when you aren't happy with your house the easiest thing seems to be to destroy it with a sledgehammer. In the end, you'll have no house - even if your friend has let you live in theirs and that's what made you realize your house wasn't what you wanted. I won't pick up that sledge hammer, but I will allow my W to create whatever distance she needs to gain the perspective she needs to make this work. I need to continue my progress with myself, which I'm proud of to this point, and continue to take care of my son. GH was talking about how he lived his life before the A, and his GAL was to do more in the house. Well, I feel like I used to always do just the family stuff, but I would take an afternoon to do maintenance on the car or something else that W saw as me frivolously spending time on myself. Now she resents me for going out, which I've done much more of: going out with my brothers or friends. I have a great time, and I think it's valuable. I also need an escape. She sees me as shirking my responsibilities and resents me for it. I HAVE to live my own life, but if she's to see herself for who she's becoming, I have to be pristine, right?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Good post!! We are in this till the end, whatever that may be. And in the end, WE will be much better people because we stood for something we believe in and didn't bail when the going got tough!!
Today I get to spend 2+ hours in the car with my family. I am looking forward to it, but a little nervous (even a sort of dread - that's empathy for my W, because I KNOW she's really dreading it). We're going to her brother's wedding. Wish me luck. I am planning on being my best - we'll see how that goes.
I talked to my MIL the other day, asking her to give me her opinion, or rather understanding of what my W is dissatisfied with in the M. I thought it would be helpful to supplement my own observations, and it was. Only problem is she must have let slip to W that I was emailing with her, and W let me have it yesterday telling me not to talk to any of her family (Um, I thought they became my family too when we got married, guess that status changes depending on your feelings too, huh?). So, that was kind of unpleasant. It's amazing what she can twist into betrayal on my part while she's doing what she's doing - I guess her justification is that she's not claiming to love me and I am, so my actions are not consistant with my intentions again.
So, another interesting thing: when I got home yesterday, W was in the shower. The door was ajar, and I walked by and yelled hello. Well, W asked me to come in and talk to her. Our shower has glass doors - so she's totally exposed. Doesn't seem to me that someone who wants to create distance would be comfortable with me in there looking at her. I think she gets off on being wanted. So I told her she was really sexy, and left.
Crazy the mixed messages I get.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Yup, welcome to the club, Muddle. You talked to her mother about your M? You're no longer my C, guy I know it's tempting and you do it to try and make the right changes but you just learned first hand how that turns out. I hope you dress nice for the wedding and look like a million bucks. You want others to comment on how great you look to her! She'll notice. It ain't no cake walk, is it.
Well, the wedding was nice. We got along really well for the most part, and I went out of my way to be helpful. After we checked out of the hotel we went up to W's grandmother's house and did some family stuff. It felt like old times. Even in the hotel W was totally comfortable around me - undressing all the time without hesitation, etc. Except when it came to sleeping did it feel like there was nothing wrong with us ("I'll sleep wherever you're not"). On the ride home I could feel W completely pull away. It was like she receded back into the fantasy world. We drove home without the radio on and I didn't talk to her at all. It was sad, and today things are a lot strained. It makes me angry and sad that I get so attached to her, and then feel so rejected again when we're back in this place.
We just got into a bit of a nasty situation. W reacted to something I did, and started fuming at me about how I was such and such and this and that. Basically, we went out to brunch with her mom and step father, her aunt and step sister. When we left, we were going to meet at her mom's house. While following them back, they pulled over into a u-turn lane and I continued past them to the house. They had mentioned something before we left about whether or not we could get into their house, and I said we could. So I thought they were going to run somewhere first. W thought I should have stopped to talk to them, but in the split second I decided to continue, and when she brought it up I told her she could call them on the cell phone. She just got angrier and angrier. We got back to the house and I rolled up the windows and shut the car down getting ready to get out. She got really angry at me telling me I wasn't thinking about her because she didn't want to get out of the car and she wanted the windows down. I told her that I thought we were going inside, and if she wanted to stay in the car she could have told me that she wanted that before I rolled the windows all the way up. It's like she creates something to be angry about at any opportunity.
Well, I took S4 out of the car and left W there. He kept asking me "is mommy mad at me?" I told him that she wasn't, that she was mad at me. Eventually, we went inside (to find W at the computer writing email to OM) and I took S4 to the bathroom. While we were washing hands he asked me "are you wearing a wedding ring?" and we had a little conversation about what that meant. He asked me who I was married to and why. I told him I was married to mommy and he asked me why. I told him it was because we love each other. At this point my W snorts from the other room.
During the reception I had both my father-in-law and his wife come talk to me about my marriage. I told them that I was not giving up hope. They were very thankful, and reassured me that I was doing the right thing. My FIL told me that he thought W was in fantasy-land and that she would soon realize this. He said that if he could, he would snap her out of it, but it's not possible. I really tried not to get into it with them because it was not really appropriate, but they did give me a little more hope. I think the fact that we were with family really made things better between W and I. It also was very clear to me that she wouldn't have OM at this sort of event, so this must make her realize a serious limitation of this relationship.
Anyway, enough ranting. I have to go back and face the W. I stepped away for a few minutes because I needed to regain my composure. W hurt me a bit with her anger (again, I allowed myself to get too reattached after the weekend).
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I know it's tempting and you do it to try and make the right changes but you just learned first hand how that turns out. I hope you dress nice for the wedding and look like a million bucks. You want others to comment on how great you look to her! She'll notice. It ain't no cake walk, is it.