What have we gotten ourselves into? Mama, your words mean a lot, and I thank you for them. You're right, I am not going to quit because it might be easier in the moment. I'm doing what I said I would and that's something that I want my son to see and respect. I have many reasons that I'm fighting for my M, the strongest being that I know it's best for my son. This fact will never change. I can give up on my love, consider it all ruined, forever soiled, but the simple truth is that this boy deserves his family.
I struggle with seeing myself as superior to my W because I disapprove of her choices. I disapprove of the choices she sees as acceptable. I don't think I'm any better than my W, and I'm concerned that this perpetuates her feelings that she isn't as good a person as I am. I think she's accepting this, maybe even embracing it. Her "good friend" is someone that she hasn't had much respect for, but now that she's supporting her she means the world to her. I think your dog analogy is a great one. I wouldn't throw out my W because she has issues, or there's something about her that doesn't make me happy. However, she comes from divorced parents, and she saw her parents "work" at their relationship and divorce anyway. I have told her that we're better than her parents and we can get where we want to be. She tells me I'm just like her father and she doesn't want to be married to him. I am dedicated to this, and I won't let my feelings stop me. Don't worry about that, even if I verbalize hopelessness or doubt or pain. None of this will stop me.
You know, when you aren't happy with your house the easiest thing seems to be to destroy it with a sledgehammer. In the end, you'll have no house - even if your friend has let you live in theirs and that's what made you realize your house wasn't what you wanted. I won't pick up that sledge hammer, but I will allow my W to create whatever distance she needs to gain the perspective she needs to make this work. I need to continue my progress with myself, which I'm proud of to this point, and continue to take care of my son. GH was talking about how he lived his life before the A, and his GAL was to do more in the house. Well, I feel like I used to always do just the family stuff, but I would take an afternoon to do maintenance on the car or something else that W saw as me frivolously spending time on myself. Now she resents me for going out, which I've done much more of: going out with my brothers or friends. I have a great time, and I think it's valuable. I also need an escape. She sees me as shirking my responsibilities and resents me for it. I HAVE to live my own life, but if she's to see herself for who she's becoming, I have to be pristine, right?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
