Counseling is something that we have tried - but back then things were much more up in the air. We have discussed talking to someone like a mediator to help us move things toward divorce. I don't want to head in this direction, but having a forum to openly discuss things might help. I haven't been resistant, but I also will not pursue an option that I don't want. I won't move us along towards divorce if I can help it. Stupid move? I don't know. But I refuse to do what I don't want to here.
I will stop all affection. I will continue to do what is right, but I feel taken advantage of. She does sort of have me jumping through hoops, and even though I look at it from a perspective of self improvement, the injustice of her taking everything I can give and giving nothing in return is frustrating. I will continue to do this because this is what I committed to do when I got married.
I think there's no doubt about her desire to have things be over, but she's overlooking a lot of reality in the process. So, it's not really a communication issue - I understand loud and clear from her words that she wants to end things, but her actions and demands say something very different to me. Maybe I'm projecting my hope onto her actions, but I don't think that someone who doesn't care anymore would demand of me what she does and act hurt when I do things that differ from her expectations of me. That doesn't make sense either. I hear her screaming that she wants me to change and make her feel something different. I hear it loud and clear. Is it reasonable? No, but I'm putting in the effort. I think I need to give the situation more time, but this has been going on for so long. I can't abandon her, but I can't enable her behavior by being the good husband and catering to her wants and desires forever either. I look to HHs thread sometimes and think that maybe that's more the approach I need to take, to stand strong and teach her a lesson about what life is going to be like without me. She's got someone now that takes the kid off her hands (the one she complains about having to spend time with), someone to do the shopping, someone to maintain the house, someone to be the great parent to her son while she resents him. She's got me to be the responsible one so she doesn't have to be. *oh yeah, when I do something that she sees as less than responsible, you better believe I hear it*
On some level I am so frustrated and resentful of her that I could just walk away in anger and throw away all the hope and faith I have in my convictions. I wonder if it wouldn't be best for her to be tossed away - thrown in the water and forced to keep herself afloat. She expects so much from me (although it's not more than I would expect of a husband) and gives me pain in return. But then this is justification for vindictive, bitter behavior on my part. I don't want to be this person, so I'm going to choose to take the high road again, and find pride in making the decision to act in a way I can respect.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
