I am still having trouble with finding my detached center in all of this. Yesterday I had a lot of opportunities to do things that needed doing around the house. W noticed some of them later, but she asked me why I was being all "lovey" in response to my acts of affection. I have been pretty consistantly kissed her on her head or cheek goodnight, etc. and have rubbed her shoulders or hugged her when she acted down. I told her that I was expressing myself to her, my feelings. She asked me why I was doing this when "it isn't that way between us". I told her that I still felt that way about her and she said "and my feelings don't matter."
So, given that she has been screaming and shouting that I have disregarded her feelings throughout our relationship (which to me looks like a teenage princess throwing a tantrum because they don't get what they want - the mindset that getting what they want will bring them happiness), I AM actually saying and doing this. There's no question that I am saying to her that no matter what she feels I think this M can work. No matter what she wants, I am going to fight for what I think is right. On the other hand, she's trying so hard to change me. She gets so annoyed that I don't do what she thinks makes sense. I just don't get it, and I don't know how to reconcile this. I want to take her feelings into account and I am committed now to consider her feelings as consequences to every decision I make, but I don't know how I can be considered considerate of her feelings when her feelings want us to be broken up so she can pursue her A more comfortably. I am hesitant to completely eliminate my displays of affection because I think it demonstrates my continued desire to make things work. I don't want to send the message that I'm OK with just being friends.
Since she's returned from the trip she's been totally cold to me. It's forced - because even kisses on the cheek are not reciprocated like she would do with a friend. I keep on pushing on, but it seems like she's determined to destroy whatever we have left.
Is my refusal to stop acting this way telling her that I refuse to let go of the M? Should I really stop all this? I have in the past, and then she pulls me a little closer. So now maybe it's best if I do again. It's like the dynamic between GH and his W, she'll only allow him so much distance before she makes him get closer again. I don't know now though if my W has made up her mind so much that she will let go entirely.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
