Mama's right on, Muddle. I can't help but laugh sometimes when I read the "conflicts" you have with your W. It sounds just like mine at home. How to stack the dishwasher! Been there, I do it her way now. I too try to "validate" her now by following her advice a lot more rather than doing it my way. For example, she is very concerned about me leaving on rainy days w/o an umbrella. She will call out "don't forget your umbrella" and before I would say "I don't need one" , now I just take it and say thanks. I have recognized that this his her way of saying "I care" and when it is shoved back in her face, what is the message? It is that your ideas are bad and I don't need your caring. Bad, bad, bad! Do I need the stupid umbrella, NO but I need my M. In Michelle's book she says that when your W is nagging you that means she still cares. Your W is still nagging, Muddle. I think she so badly wants an excuse to make this work together. She's screaming "make me love you again". This of course is just a feeling off the top of my head but I think that's why she keeps hounding you. Of course, it seems insane to be hounding and picking at someone she says she doesn't love blah blah blah but....I think you are heading down the right track now.
