Muddle's Waters II

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks Whatis, that's great motivation. Yesterday was kind of an awakening for me. I realized a lot about how I was deceiving myself and that if things should end now I can't say that I really tried my hardest. So, regroup and take another approach.

I realized that one of the bigger issues with my W is that she nags me. She nags, I withdraw and ignore her. Two problems with this: 1. the things she's nagging me about are things I should do, and if she wasn't nagging me I would do them much sooner myself and 2. When I don't do what she thinks/knows is right it makes her feel insecure about her own perception. It invalidates her feelings. So, I decided that it's important to understand her feelings as motivating factors and to address them in my actions. We have a wedding this weekend and I pulled out my old suit, which surprisingly fits again. The jacket was really wrinkled and I told her I had to iron it. She told me to take it to the cleaners and have them press it. I said I could save a buck and do it myself. Well, she nagged me all weekend to bring it in and have it done. Yesterday I took it in to get it done. Last night, I called her and thanked her for pushing me to get it done, telling her that I appreciate that this save me some time and effort. I think it conveyed to her that her ideas are good ones and that I respect her. Another example: she told me the other day that "I put the bowls in the dishwasher this way" and my internal reaction was "that's nice, I don't - I do them the way I do" but I realized that while I CAN do things differently than she does, I don't have to. I am secure enough in myself that I don't need to prove myself right by always doing what I want to - she needs the reassurance that her way is right. She needs this validation, so why not do it? Maybe it's silly stuff, but I think it's a start down the right path.

I think it's the little things like this that really show her I respect and value her. The way I was doing it, I showed her that I thought she was stupid, or I disagreed with everything she said or thought. It's going to take a lot to change this, because I can be stubborn, and one of the things I really like about myself is how resourcesful I can be - I usually think things through and do things the way I think makes the most sense in the moment (I'm not a stickler for convention or routine). This drives my W crazy, so I'm going to play the game and see if I can help her feel more secure because of my consistency. I've already laid a good foundation by keeping the house MUCH more picked up than I even did before. This has been a consistant change for months now. She has to have noticed this.

There are a few more things, but overall this is the vein my approach is in. Do you think it's action oriented enough?

Just an aside that I thought people here would appreciate: Monday night while we had the talk, W complained about how she felt I was punishing her by not telling her where I was going. I told her "yes, you might be right. I think I have been acting more on my resentment, which is of my own making, than I thought. W, I'm human too, I sometimes act on my feelings even though it's not the right thing to do."