Last night W told me that I wasn't meeting her emotional needs - something she didn't realize until they were being met by someone else. She wouldn't tell me what they are, and she thought that is was something I should just know ("if you're the right person, you'll know"). It's almost impossible to try and meet these needs while she's not interested in letting me. I've got to try and find out what her LL is (something that I have not been able to - I always thought it was acts of service, and I feel like I always waited on her hand and foot, but this clearly didn't do it).
When W and I got together there wasn't a real courtship period, we just liked spending time together. Things moved so fast that I don't think I could ever recreate that stage in our lives without her feeling the same way about me. We used to really talk a lot - and even into our relationship right up to the point the A rocked my world - we talked about everything. I thought we had a really intimate relationship. The resentment stemmed from the mundane interactions, the low level stuff that told her that I thought my way was right, so she felt like she was wrong. I guess I never went out of my way to engage with her in adult activities, going out as a couple, etc. She feels like we're so stuck in the parental roles that there's nothing left. I don't know if I can get her to go do stuff with me - she's told me that she hasn't wanted to spend time alone with me in a long time, that she'd rather have someone else with us.
I feel so cornered, and I think the fear of being proven wrong is paralyzing me. So I've blamed her - and even in my posts here, I blame her and haven't taken responsibility for getting into her head, figuring out where I've gone wrong, and DOING what I can to fix it. I can't get past the resentment I have to really honestly do this. Everytime I think I have done this, I look back and see some action of mine that I have some how justified in what she's doing. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want this to be the motivating factor in my interactions. I want to just get beyond this and really heal. The worst thing is that THIS makes the damage something that has been done by me. I could have made a difference already, but I have been so caught up in fighting against my own feelings that I haven't taken the risks and reached out to her. I haven't made the effort to give her what she needs.
Everytime I think I've gotten past it and detached, I've moved out of the realm of the R. I have detached from actually demonstrating my undying committment to the M. I have not actively sought ways of demonstrating my love. I have made changes in myself that needed to be made. I have become a better person. But I look like a selfish man who doesn't care about the relationship. I know I'm too far into my W's perspective now, and a lot of her own justifications have created this reality, but it's where she's coming from, so I need to look at it for what it is. What can I DO to demonstrate all that I now understand without coming across as judgemental? I honestly don't want her to be wrong, I just want her to be able to reconcile her current worldview with what we have, to be able to see them in the same light. I want her to see me as an attractive person who is attracted to her, a beautiful woman. All the words in the world don't tell her this. I need to do something to make her feel this way. Or am I taking too much on here? More than any one person can do? I recognize her involvement, but I need to try myself to do what may be futile without her involvement. I have been discounting trying by telling myself that it doesn't work, it's not DB. I really need to do this in a way I can be accountable for it. Any ideas?
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
