Mama - this feels like a repeat post to you, one that I'm sure I'm going to get the right answer to again! That's so not DB, right? Doesn't that ego stroking play right into the pursuing category? Am I not enabling her (something that she has blamed me for since this all started) by making it more comfortable for her to hang on to her hang ups? I'm all for doing these things in a committed relationship, and being that I'm not, I have tried to do some of these things (I do what I can around the house now - things that I might have ignored for some time I do right away), but there are things on the list that I'm not sure are the right thing to do. The phone calls are things I used to do, but now I'm never sure if I'll be calling in the middle of a chat session - and I have found that laying low for a while has seemed to help things in the past. I also can't help seeing this complaining as a way of controlling the situation. Not because she wants me to change, but rather because she wants to have control for the reasons discussed above. In fact, I get the distinct sense that when I comply she views me as weak, and when I don't it hurts her feelings. Twisted, I know, but what do you do? Where's that middle ground?
I always stroke her ego verbally - to which she responds that "it's all just words" and I don't act it. My actions tell her loud and clear that she's dirt. I don't get it. I think it's highly likely that my actions that are affecting her in this situation have much more to do with me than her, but I can't really explain that to her. I also think that she's so determined to see everything I do in some negative light, anytime I stick my neck out it's going to be hacked at. I do take the risk, and I will continue to, but I think it might do more damage than good. At least I'm trying something.
So yeah, DB is a guideline. I might as well try and give her what she seems to really want, even thought I'm sure to get the "it's too late" comment when she realizes that I'm actually doing it. It's just difficult to read whether what she seems to be asking for is what she really wants.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
