Whatis, I'm really NOT trying to take the hardline here. I may be trying to stay in my comfort zone as far as middle ground goes, but I'm certainly not trying to push her.
Well, I think I've started to see a few more opportunities in my sitch. Last night I to S4 to my parents' house and then went out with an old friend of mine to a concert. W was at her soon to be SIL's shower all day. When W got close to home (about 9:15PM) she called to find out where I was. I told her I was heading back up. She got pissed saying that is was irresponsible to have S4 out that late, especially after we had him out the night before. I told her I didn't think it was a big deal, and that if the two of us were out together she wouldn't have a problem with it. To make a long story short, she got really mad that I didn't do certain things that she thought I should have, and she got mad that I had opinions about what was right for our S that differed from hers. She got really angry that I "made her feel stupid about herself" I guess by disagreeing with her.
The one thing I tend to overlook all too often when her controlling tendencies come up is where they come from. She has low self esteem, and a low self image. People who have little control over themselves, or little confidence in themselves, tend to try and control people and situations around them in an effort to prove to themselves that they are worthy and smart and everything that they feel they aren't. I too often look to the symptom of this, the controlling behavior, rather than trying to address the cause, or even to acknowledge the cause and be more patient. I don't really know how to address this, but I think the more I'm aware of things, the better able I'll be to handle it.
She basically told me this morning that she wants me to be aware of what's going on in her life and to make an effort to help her out where I can. She made a simple point about how she had to pick up her medicine yesterday and told me some long story about how she called in the refill, and couldn't get to the place before they closed. I didn't call and ask whether she was able to take care of it, and this made her feel like I don't care. This is something that she keeps telling me over and over - I act like I don't care. I don't know what I can do to make her feel like I care, because I felt like I gave my life to her, I'd go so far as saying I felt like I was serving her, and THAT didn't make her feel loved. So what will? So much of her bad feelings about me and about herself seem to really stem from her issues with depression and low self esteem. I don't know how to "make her feel better" when the ONLY solution to this is her doing for herself and improving her own self image.
I remember some time ago, before all of this started, she and I had a discussion about feelings and about how our experience of feelings are not a direct response to environmental stimuli. At least, this was my perspective. I told her that I thought that everyone's feelings could be as much, if not more, responses to reactions and associations to the stimuli as a response to that stimuli. She thought I was nuts. She thought feeling were responses to the world, and she didn't think that we have any part in creating our world through our perspective or motivations. Well, this kind of makes for a difficult time seeing eye to eye on the whole feelings issue. This makes it difficult for her to understand that I can't make her feel something if she's not motivated to participate in it. So what do I do? Wait for her to realize that this might be true? I guess that's my only choice.
The other thing that she commented on about me is that I put my own needs first, our son's needs second and her needs last. Always have. I don't want to argue with her, but of course I don't think this is true. Maybe I truly don't understand what her needs are (this is true, and I have a really hard time discerning between what's a genuine need and what's a need for a crutch) and this is why I can't seem to make her feel loved and cared for. This is something that's extremely difficult to do when she won't talk to me at all. I thought I was meeting her needs, we talked all the time deeply about feelings, thoughts, everything, I took care of her, shopped, got dinner, ran around and did for her whatever she asked. I'm not sure what was missing from this in her perspective (I have a really good idea what in my perspective). So, it's off to try and learn more. All in all, I think the fact that she's approaching our R from this perspective day after day means that she's still thinking about it. She's not decided, no matter what she says. Gotta keep at it, and always look at things from a positive perspective. Any thoughts you guys have are ALWAYS appreciated.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
