Muddle's Waters II

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks guys. Things can be frustrating, but no one ever said this would be easy. W was pissed with me this morning and I told her I'd like to talk to her about it later. I got home really late - or rather not so early (about 3:30AM) so I was in bed most of the morning. W was running around, and as she left just now I pulled her aside, kissed her on the lips (hasn't happened in several days) and told her that I wanted to talk later, that we just weren't seeing eye to eye, and that we should resolve it and clear the air. She said "what else is new" to the "not seeing eye to eye" comment, and then agreed to talk. She didn't recoil from the kiss, and she kissed me back, so there was some interest there. Interesting. I told her that I appreciated that she shared her feelings with me last night, and that I want to talk it out.

As far as being the placator: I have consistently taken responsibility for issues and or problems. I have done this in the form of appologizing for things that aren't really my fault, etc. I guess I recognize that the first step towards changing something begins when you take responsibility for it, and so in an effort to fix the problem, I take responsibility. I guess the trouble begins when it's not really my fault, and there's little to nothing I can do about the issue. I think this has set up a less than ideal way of addressing our problems, and I think the solution is to say to W "what can WE do to resolve this." This way the responsibility is distributed and I'm not taking blame for something, but rather we are collaborating on finding a solution. Teamwork. Creating a unified identity as a couple.

I'm not really sure how I'm going to address this later (if we get to talk about it later). I plan on just telling her that I don't think she's entitled to be a part of my life, other than where we intersect. My life is my life and if I choose to include her that's my prerogative. I'll tell her how I'm being considerate of her and respectful of her, and leave it at that. I'm debating whether I should tell her that I think she's controlling (she knows she is, and she and her friend/cheerleader have talked about how my brothers and I - this cheerleader girl went out with my brother for some time - date women that control us), and if she's not putting anything into our relationship, I have no reason to accept that sort of behavior from her.

Does this sound like a childish approach? You're not going to be part of the R so I'm not going to give you what you want from me? On the one hand I feel like I should just give until I have no more to give. On the other, I think I should just move on and stop acting like if I keep feeding this emotional money pit I'll get some more miles out of it.

I'm not really crapping on myself here. I'm being as real with myself as I can be. I want to learn from this, and if I find nasty stuff, I want to face it, not write it off as belonging to someone else. I'm frustrated because I want to change the dynamic of our R, but the canned ways seem to leave me doing so much more of the same. I can't help thinking that these methods are for use in a R where both people have a relatively realistic outlook on life and my W doesn't really. I know I just haven't found the right approach yet, I just have to keep trying. It's like W thinks I don't pay her enough attention, yet she doesn't want me around. I don't make her feel better, loved, wanted, special, supported, etc., etc., etc. I know this isn't my job, but isn't it partly? Isn't that where the lure of a relationship is? In knowing your partner likes this, or that doing that makes them feel this way? I think I haven't focused enough on that, but have rather placated her desire to STOP feeling bad. I want to make her feel good, and now I'm not in a relationship where I can do that.